Motherhood

Motherhood is the most thankless, selfless, yet purposeful job in existence. At any given time you are smiling, crying, laughing, frowning, drowning, hiding, screaming, whispering, overwhelmed, underprepared, overtired, failing and on the brink of insanity. You feel worthless and broken, sure you've ruined it all. Positive you have not given anything worth a fucking damn to those tiny humans that grew way too freaking fast! Positive that everything was for naught. Positive they can't survive out there because your love wasn't enough. That what you had to work with, wasn't enough. That they are harboring a deep seated hate for all your imperfections you tried so fucking hard not to show (especially your use of the F-bomb). Your anger and frustrations and lack of patience and inability to hold on just 10 more minutes until they were in bed or because you just didn't walk away soon enough. Because you lost it way too many times. Because you really are bat-shit-crazy and because you really are just human and not the superhero they needed you to be. Because you forgot the permission slip, again. Because you forgot to wash their favorite jeans, again. Because you forgot it was red, purple, yellow or sea-foam green or whatever freaking color day at school and didn't buy them something to wear, again. You forgot a thousand times and then you forgot again. As my good friend Stephanie would say, you can’t get your self-worth from this job. No words have ever rung truer. At the end of the day, you have to look at what you did do, not what you didn’t do. You gave them life and hope and love. You gave them faith and dreams. You gave them safety and a home. You gave them lullabies and thousands of good night kisses. You gave them piggy-back rides and pushed them on the swing. You played in the sand with them, splashed in puddles and made mud pies. You played hopscotch 8,367 times in a row and watched Lion King four times a day for two years straight.
 You fed them (yes, tater tots count), clothed them (although not always in clean clothes), bathed them, snuggled them, kissed away the pain, and always, always loved them. You drove them here and there and everywhere. You encouraged them to be fearless, to do their best, to be real, to be proud, to be confident, to believe in themselves and to believe in goodness. You taught them

My brood 💙

compassion, respect and kindness. You pushed them to excel at their hobbies and talents. You stayed up countless nights when they were sick, you carried them back to bed, you dried their tears, you comforted them after a bad dream, let them take over your bed or slept with them in theirs. You listened to their excitement over something you really didn’t give a crap about. You taught them to turn up the music and dance, sing and laugh. You took them adventuring and didn't lose them (well, maybe for a few minutes). You taught them to be brave, smart, strong, and resilient. You let them live to see another day. Now what was it that you didn’t get right? The next time you are having an emotionally charged motherhood breakdown, remember…

You gave them every freaking bit of yourself! Everything!

You rock!

You are a star!

Sandra Murdoch-Becker, Copyright May 10, 2017 ©️

Dear Teacher....

I came across this email from almost 3 years ago, June of 2014. It was the letter I wrote to the teachers, staff & administrators at the therapeutic day school Maggie attended. It was sent to them after her last day of school there. She transitioned back into district in time for junior high. I was sobbing as I read it. I thought I should share it as a thank you to all educators, administrators and support staff because even if no one tells you, YOU make a difference! NEVER forget it! 💜 Thank you for all you do!

June, 2014

Dear S.E.A.L. Administrators, Teachers and Staff,

There is nothing we could build, write, buy or make for you that would ever show our appreciation for the impact you have made in the life of our Maggie!  This chapter may be coming to a close, but there are so many more chapters to come.  No matter how many adjectives we think of, there are not enough to describe or express the range of emotion and gratitude we are feeling. We can call every single one of you magnificent, fantastic, spectacular, grand, marvelous, outstanding, sensational, etc. and it does no justice for your abilities and dedication. A million “Thank You’s” would never cover it! Everyone in your school community had a part in Maggie’s triumph’s!

This was not a road we ever wanted to travel.  It was never a place we even considered we would be. What made this journey the hardest was the people that gave up on Maggie that brought us to you.  We had serious doubts about S.E.A.L.  No one really had anything positive or negative to say about what we were embarking on.  We came in very scared on this journey. What started as a bitter trip has brought us to a sweet, yet sad, curve on this journey.

Maggie came to you out of sync, scared, angry and ready for a fight.  This has been a 3½-year crusade that I can honestly, without a doubt say you won, she won and we won!  Do you realize you won?  Do you look at it that way?  You did!!  On so many levels!  You won her trust, you won her respect, you won her appreciation, and you won her love!  This VICTORY is yours and I felt you needed to know it!  You NEEDED to hear it!

We hope that you never doubt what you do!  We hope you realize what an impact you make in the lives of special needs children.  We hope you see the success that you are!  What you did for Maggie is nothing short of amazing; you helped her find confidence, compassion, patience and understanding.  You helped her find comfort in her ability to control herself and recognize her emotions and to express them. You taught her both academically and emotionally.  You taught her to communicate, to ignore and to tolerate. You taught her as a whole person, not her disability!  You taught us, also!  You gave her more than we ever expected.  You gave her a community to be a part of.  You gave her strength and hope!  You never doubted her ability!  YOU molded her success!!

As we continue to blaze this trail with Maggie, we hope you keep her in your thoughts. We have a long way to go, with twists and turns and ups and downs, but I pray that everything you have taught and given her will keep her moving forward. I’m so VERY scared for her and sometimes doubt my decision to move her, but I know you are all there to fall back on if we need you! For that security, I am so thankful!  

We know she/we will NEVER forget you.  You are all a part of her life story! How awesome is that?  Magnificent Maggie Takes on Junior High….  (to be continued)! 

Gratefully,

The Becker Family

Copyright January, 2017
Sandra Murdoch-Becker
mycommonsensicallife.blogspot.com

Self Doubt

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, staring at my FASFA email and clicking ignore on my phone from the online admissions office wondering what the hell I think I'm doing. How can I possibly believe I can accomplish a full time program (even online), take care of kids, a house, an apartment, volunteer, take on another student loan and still breathe. I haven't been in a classroom since 1997. I was working full time, carrying a part time class load, pregnant, no kids at home, I was nineteen years younger and I couldn't handle it. I never went back and I only had one kid. Now I have four at home. One with special needs and an attitude, one who knows it all and has an attitude, one sick with lyme (who doesn't want to take care of herself) and has an attitude and the youngest one who is always bored, needs help, is hungry and has an attitude. I'm just a Mom. Does my brain even have the capacity and focus to absorb a whole new world of knowledge? Do I have the ability to organize and schedule the time to do this? Will I be able to selfishly put my needs above their chaotic, dramatic, trivial BS (because I will, of course, always be there for the big, important stuff)? So, in a house full of chaos...how the frick am I going to do this?

Breathe! 
What would I tell my kids?

You got this!
You're smart!
It'll be a breeze!
You will figure out a way, you always do!
You rock!
Get out your calendar and write out your week.
Stay positive!
Take a moment and find your center, rebalance!
Turn on some music.
Prioritize.
Go have a good cry and get back to it!
It doesn't matter if you fail. It only matters if you've tried your best.
I believe in you!
I'm proud of you!
You're the brightest star out there. Now go freaking shine!💫

It's easy to encourage your kids, you truly believe in them and their abilities...convincing myself that my self doubt is unjustified is a much deeper struggle.
Here goes nothing! 💜

I Can...

I wish I could turn my kids brains off for one moment. Stop the constant motion of their thoughts so they could only feel from their heart and soul. So they could truly see themselves from a different realm. Not the eyes of others but their own mind's eye. I want them to realize that who they once were, before technology, society and conforming took over their brains IS exactly who they truly are. The fun, confident, loving, caring and compassionate beings that existed when they were small is buried in their depths and only they can bring themselves back. They are in a constant place of worry and anxiety over what their peers say about them, what their teachers and coaches think about them and school in general. They once had an immense power in their confidence which brought them success in all of their talents and it saddens me to see them struggling in areas they shouldn't even be concerned with as children and young adults. No matter how much I try and guide them and inspire them, it's ultimately up to them to break the illusions and make the changes. It doesn't help that they're so damn stubborn and closed-minded. They are always right and Mom is wrong. I miss their magic, imagination and determination that once filled our days. I'm sad to constantly hear, "I can't..." instead of "I can...". My hope is that somewhere along their path they can be mindful, at peace and find the love of life they possessed when they were small...that they find their, "I CAN..." again!

For the Love of an Addict

To love an addict is the most emotionally draining relationship to carry.
Do you know one?
A family member, friend, spouse, or a co-worker?
Are you one?
What's your part in the relationship?
Maybe your lucky enough to be an audience member. 
Fortunate, you only have to sit and pass your judgement on the act playing out in your distant vision.
Maybe you're the dealer or the drink provider, the devil himself.
Maybe you are simply the enabler who thinks they are helping, supporting.

The biggest question I ask myself multiple times a day is, "Am I enabling or supporting?".
I often wonder if they are one in the same.
Is it possible to even be supportive without enabling?
Everyone's perspective of it is different.
What one views as being supportive can be viewed by another as being the enabler, and so the opposite also holds true.
It's definitely a Catch 22.
It's been a life long controversy in my head.
I've never put it on paper, never talked about it with another human, and never asked about it.
Just sat and argued with myself in the corners of my day and cried.
I've been lectured about it, but never asked how I feel about it or how I've lived with it.

I've carried on many conversations with the rising sun and the night sky about it.
Their beauty never gave me answers but always lifted my soul for a moment or two.
It got me through many days.
The thought of my loved ones always in the back of my head.
Often wondering how did they even get here?
How do they not love themselves enough when they obviously have so many that love them?
I never understood it.
How could I? I'm not an addict. I'm the enabler. The supporter. The comforter.
The one who doesn't get it.
The one sitting on the outside.

It's a burden to love, just as the addiction is a burden.
I wasted so much time trying to understand their choices.
Trying to be in their heads.
I never even had the urge to try any of it, how could I understand it?
So much energy wasted on the wondering and the what if's!
It is heartbreaking to know they don't love....couldn't love themselves enough to quit.
Their lives incomplete without it.
Like the need for a cup of coffee or a good book.
The need for their poison more important than anything or anyone in the physical world.
Maybe they were just waiting for death to come knocking.
Trust me, I'm not judging. Just thinking it through.
Still wasting time on wondering.



It hurts on this side (in case you wondered).
I've been raging mad, brought to my knees with sadness and cried tears that didn't matter.
I've spend much time in exhaustive worry.
Scared of the worst images my mind could conjure.
Overwhelmed with feelings one should not have to feel.
Conquered by the fear.
There is no winning here.
People just don't talk about it.

So, we've warned our children.
It's a dominant force in our lives.
They all know it's there and it's a risk to make this choice.
It could engulf them.
Or, as it was with me, it may not be appealing.
I pray this to be true.
I pray for them eternally that they won't know.
That they won't be the addict.
That they won't have to know the duties of the supportive enabler.

I've watched addiction. I've watched recovery. They are both a fight that never ends.

Dance the Dance

The world is going to throw us situations that hurt us, anger us and sometimes knock us down. It's all in how we choose to dance the dance that makes the difference in how it affects us. Sometimes we can just feel it and let it go.  Sometimes we feel it and hold on for a bit.  Sometimes the dance is insanely long, drawn out and makes us hate the dance. The hate turns to resentment, bitterness and hardening of the heart. I've been here too many times to count. Too many times to waste my time trying to recall after all the time wasted in that state. It's a long trip back to loving the dance.

Right now, in this moment, I'm sad and just trying to dance through it with forgiveness. I'm trying really hard to dance this one with dignity and grace! I want the frustration to dissolve; my sense of calm to return. Unfortunately, I'm not dancing this one alone and we're all trying to stay in sync while dancing to a different tune. Each has his own steps to complete before the music ends and it's looking more like a mosh pit here than a ballet.  Although mosh pits can be an adventure, I'm getting a little old for the chaos involved. Ahhh, but the chaos brings change, so bring on the mosh pit!

 

We'll dance the dance and be better parents, a better family because of it. I hope the others involved will see this. Next time we will dance with more compassion and understanding. I hope that everyone learns from it. I've never claimed to be perfect and never will. I have plenty of faults and mistakes that I have to dance through. I have learned however, that if I allow situations to exist without speaking up, the behaviors are reinforced. Not just by the originator of the circumstance, but by those that observed it.

 

So, dance the dance and do it with a smile, a sense of peace, forgiveness, thankfulness and love! 

More than she knows....

If only for a moment our children could see how we see them, how others see them....they would feel, see and accomplish miraculous things, their fears would become non-existant!

Staring through the rain,

Annabelle Becker sees sunshine,

where others can only imagine darkness.

She dreams of powerful music

to ease her through life's open doors,

As she rides a carousel elephant,

among the star showers in her head.

She dreams of bigger places

than her hometown,

She knows not what takes her there,

just that she doesn't stay here.

There's something out there,

in the shadows of her path,

She's destined to discover.

Annabelle can fly beyond

the worlds vision

Painting or playing...

   -the unseen

   -the unheard

   -the unimaginable

She's the girl in the mirror,

The confident reflection,

of her own perfection.

The one every girl secretly

wants to be like.

Her wings have broken the cocoon.

She's the girl that doesn't know

her own value,

The one that will inspire and amaze this world

with her talent,

If she'll just stop, close her eyes

and see! 

Sandra Murdoch-Becker

Copyright October 8, 2015 

Summer's Gone

Summer vacation here & gone

   not enough time...

      for layin' in the sun,

         watching clouds breeze by,

             or chasin' fire flies.

Another school year crept up too fast.

My kids,
growing and moving at the speed of light.
My eyes & brain unable to fathom
their yearly transformations.

They're excited, nervous, anxious

moving up a grade, new school, college bound.

Yet, if they only knew

that I feel the same...

for them, not me, as they face the new year.

Tears well up in my eyes as they start this yearly journey

   new friends, old friends, maybe an enemy

      teachers and classes, some they love, some not so much.

Homework, quizzes & tests, papers & projects.

Hopeful they'll cope, scared they'll choke.

Pacing and waiting for their day to end...

"How did it go?"

"Did you ace your test?"

My worry usually proven unnecessary

    but occasionally perfectly warranted.

I will stress away the year,

     things will end exactly as they should.

Everyone will have grown,

       I will have aged, too much.

Next thing you know another summer break,

    around the corner.

The process inevitable!

Thirteen

I wrote this 4 years ago when Annabelle was graduating from 8th grade. Never typed it out.  I found it today folded up, scribbled on wide rule lined paper shoved in a box. As she finishes her last day of High School today, it couldn't have been a stronger sign telling me to put it out there....

She's thirteen going on twenty,

Doesn't have a need for her Mother.

She thinks she's in control.

Got it all covered now,

Boys, friends, school...

She knows it all.

My Baby isn't a baby any more,

She's heading for the stars,

Zooming beyond the moon,

Breaking her Mother's heart,

But making her so proud.

She's dancing through life

on a silver lined cloud.

Social butterfly, wings spread wide,

Artist, musician, athlete.

Running every direction...

Totally cool (unlike me)! 

Moving at the speed of light.

No time to look back.

Dominating this game called life.

In a camera's flash...

Leaving behind stories and memories

in her dust.

Searching....

         


          As a parent with a house full of kids, I often wonder what the heck I am doing!  Really.  I do. I have to literally stop in my tracks and realize that my frustration is adding to the kids frustration, that is in turn just totally ticking me off and making everything worse. So, I'm searching...for joy and happiness and love and laughter, now, in all the simple moments.  I am trying to make every effort possible to remove the negative, the frustration, the anger and just find the happy.  See, if I'm happy, the kids are happy.  There is way too much worry and intensity is this little, overcrowded, chaotic house of ours.  We need more laughter! Search for, find and remember the fun! Hysterical laughter helps too!

From My Heart

I originally posted this on Facebook in 2011......

From My Heart

October 6, 2011 at 1:27pm

I have given you my all
     and every day I find more
     that I never knew was there.
I have taken you as far
     as our money will take you
     in the medical world.
I have tried to get you beyond the scope
     but "experimental" is out of reach,
     they don't see the NEED!
I have promised you, FOREVER, I will
    help you cope...
    and I will NEVER stop fighting!

You have come so far, my sweet child,
     Oh, if you could only see what I see.
You have succeeded beyond the experts expectations
      but you only feel failure within.
You have cried and begged for another brain,
      but you are so highly intelligent
      you don't realize where you can go!

I have watched countless tears
     I couldn't wipe away
     because you couldn't let me near.
I have missed an abundance of hugs
     because you couldn't be touched.
I have missed thousands of smiles
     because you didn't want to be looked at.
I have seen countless physically, scary meltdowns
      that have left me helpless and broken,
      scared for your life!

Then magically I see these days,
      the light emitting, total radiance,
      it's in your eyes, your smile, your laugh....You are home!

I know now, I can't fix you....
      there's no fixing to be done.
God dealt us this hand
      and he will provide.
We just have to follow the path
      that will take us there.
We will show the world, as God intended,
      that you are not broken.
First, I have to show you,
      Your worth,
        Your beauty,
          Your being,
            Your love,
             Your heart....
That SCREAMS....."I am here!"

Copyright © 2011
Sandra Becker

11 Years

        Eleven Years ago, daughter number three was born.  She wasn't an easy pregnancy by any means and she has proven to be quite the adventurous, stubborn, non-stop one through these eleven years.  She has had to endure much, as have we and her siblings.  Actually, everyone that has encountered her has had to endure her quirks, more difficult ones through a large part of her time here, than easy.

       As the past four months has flown bringing us to her Birthday, she has blossomed. (I actually hate that word, "blossomed".)  It seems to be that girly word that everyone uses. She has grown, progressed, matured, flourished, evolved, blossomed.... however you want to put it, she's getting it!!

      Things have calmed at home, school has become fantastic for her social/emotional well being, she started playing the harp, and she has quit refusing to do her homework and schoolwork. Being the pessimist that I am, I'm waiting for the bomb to go off.

      She no longer seems to hate her little brother (although she does still become agitated by his existence).  She doesn't stomp around slamming doors. She hasn't destroyed a room in at least a year.  She isn't fighting with us every minute of her awake time at home.  She feels accomplished and proud!  FINALLY!  She hasn't asked for a new brain in a quite some time or wished herself dead.  She is simply, HAPPY!  The only thing we ever hoped for, for her, is happiness!

      No more meds, psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists or behavior therapists.  It was like a switch was flipped.  Don't get me wrong, we don't have perfection. There will never be perfection. Perfection is highly overrated! Her long list of diagnosis' haven't gone away, but she has learned to cope and overcome.  She is conquering her demons and finding strength in her abilities.  She has found positivity in adversity.  She discovered self confidence!

       I couldn't be prouder of the young girl that our Maggie has become.  I can't wait to see what she will continue to accomplish and throw in our path's!  Through every mountain we've had to climb and hole we've had to dig out of there has always been hope and love!  Yes, a lot of tears and why's and wanting to give up.  Yet, we never stopped hoping, we never stopped loving. 

      Magnificent Maggie will be blazing a new trail in the next 6 months when she enters Junior High.  Back to district, new friends, new adventures and new goals to achieve!  I can't wait to see where this journey will lead.......

     

Memories of the Birthday that Wasn't

I wrote this 2 years ago on my 40th Birthday and have added a couple of things, but for the most part, it remains the memories of an 11 year old, heart broken girl on her birthday.  

          29 years ago on my 11th birthday I was awoken to the news of my Grandma Murdoch's passing.  As a child, I was torn on whether or not I should go to school.  I did after all have candy to pass out.  I decided to stay home and ate the candy myself.  I don't recall if I shared it with my 4 brothers.  More than likely not, since I don't have a memory of it.  I was quite angry that my Grandmother chose my day to die.  I couldn't imagine a more horrific reason to not want to celebrate my birthday ever again.  Not to mention that the days following would have NOTHING to do with me.  Quite a selfish little brat I was, huh?  I recall lots of relatives appearing, family friends stopping by, the planning of the wake/funeral and wanting so badly to be a part, yet keeping to myself.  I don't remember if there was a happy birthday sang or mom's famous chocolate sheet cake made.  How could she do this to me?  No more shopping trips or lunches out.  No more movies (she introduced me to Little Orphan Annie and E.T.) or trips to Marshall Fields to visit her while she worked. They had the BEST chocolate cookies. No more spending the night, Halloween visits, or Christmas Eve dinners.  No more Saturday evening masses sitting in the front pew or surprise visits to get me out of yard work that she felt the boys should be doing.  No more Birthday PRESENTS!  Well, apparently just one more!   Someone appeared with a box (not sure what day) that contained a pair of purple knickers and a long sleeved white and purple shirt from, where else, Marshall Fields!  She remembered (not sure if it really did come from her, but at the time it didn't matter)!  Had she ever let me down?  So it wasn't some great piece of heirloom jewelry (that didn't matter to an 11 year old), but I wore them with pride and confidence (and EVERYONE made fun of me)! Even after they had ripped and no longer fit I didn't want to let them go! It has not gotten easier to be without her these past 29 Birthdays. I still cry over her absence, my wedding especially hard.  I walked down the aisle carrying a white hankie that my Aunt Barb purchased. The note with it read "In memory of someone who thought you were pretty special." We were able to get married at Old St. Mary's Church in Mokena where she is buried next to my Grandfather.   We played Hail Mary, Gentle Woman during the wedding, a song from her funeral mass and placed flowers at her & Grandpa's grave.  I know she has been here with me through it all, I couldn't have asked for a better Guardian Angel than God has given me.  It took me some time to realize that her passing on my birthday was a gift and not a curse.  She has brought me through a lot and the memories of Grandma curled in her chair with an afghan, a pop, her rosary and prayer book can bring a smile to my face whenever I need one. The emptiness of her absence will never cease, but knowing she was strong and happy during her years here does help.  Her love is forever felt in my heart, especially today on my 40th Birthday!

The words I wrote as an 11 year old....

"Grandma." I say and I can't hear your voice or wipe away the pain.
I see you in my dreams,
I remember some days, good and bad,
When you were well and picked me up from school,
Or when you were sick, on a Sunday after church
We would come and visit you.
I will remember that day,
The sounds of everyones pain,
It hurt, It was my birthday.
You weren't there,
No celebrations I would have
There were more important things to tend to.
I felt privileged though, believe it or not,
But also, a little cheated
God chose a good day for you to die.
I cried, sometimes still do.
I remember your face
  and that purple dress that covered up your neck.
I said good-bye,
One last time.
I miss you Grandma,
But I'll see you one day
Up there in paradise and hopefully,
  you will look the same as I remember,
When I turned eleven,
On my Birthday,
The day God took you away!

This year would have been Grandma's 100th Birthday.

Copyright © 10/15/2011
Sandra Becker

You Don't Know...

                 

                         I am the Mom next to, behind or in front of you in the church pew.  I can hear the aggravation in your breathing.  I can feel your stares.  I can see your side way glances and your eye rolls. I have listened to your whispers about my child not participating properly in the mass.  I can see the look of horror in your eyes when my child does not receive communion or dances/runs/skips back to the pew on the rare occasion that my child can tolerate communion.  Then I see the gasps when my child returns chomping and/or gagging because it wasn't exactly what my child could tolerate that day.  Believe me, I know that my child's books/crayons/movements/talking are not appropriate for church (especially for her age)!  I am trying to teach my child to be a part of this giving and loving community.  Yes, my child leaves to go to the bathroom and 10 minutes later to get a drink of water.  Why does this bother you? No, my child can't sit still.  Yes, my child talks.  Yes, my child is disruptive.  Yes, my child crawls under the pews.  Yes, my child bounces her legs, shaking the whole pew.  Yes, my child chomps on gum.  I go through mass witnessing your actions on top of my child's actions and I get irritated, frustrated, emotional. I reprimand the best I can without making a bigger scene and I get more looks and frustrated whispers.  I suck back tears through most of the mass.  I leave in a much worse place than I was when I walked into this Church of God. The one place where we should be accepted! You are suppose to be my Christian Brothers & Sisters.  My child does not do these things to disrespect you or God.  My child does these things because, well, because it CANNOT be controlled.  My child is special needs.  My child has more than one diagnosis: PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified) an autism diagnosis, GAD (General Anxiety Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), and Impulse Control Disorder.  There are more, but we quit searching for another diagnosis to focus more on helping our child! My child looks "normal".   To most, my child appears spoiled, disrespectful and in need of discipline.
                                                                                                                                                              The reality is.... 

•  my child's maturity is lacking by at least 2 years, which makes socialization difficult and usually not appropriate. 
• my child's sensory system is so unregulated that sitting still is impossible, chewing on gum a must, climbing around needed, leaving for the bathroom a much needed "break".
• my child doesn't understand that what she does effects everyone else.
• my child has oral sensory sensitivities which make receiving Communion a huge challenge, not to mention many foods!
• my child is in a constant "fight" with the body and the brain!
• my child NEEDS your patience and understanding!

                Please, I beg of you, the next time you see a child "acting out" keep in mind what could possibly be going on.  Keep your whispers and eye rolls to yourself.  Dig deep and find some understanding. Don't judge the child or the parent.  Offer help if you can. Most importantly say a prayer for that child, the siblings, and the parents, every day is a struggle! 

2012 Revelations

2012 brought me a lot of,  shall we say, 'revelations'! Things I have always known, but have really hit the mind (and heart) with power this year....

             Forgiving, especially those who have never really asked for forgiveness, is heart wrenching difficult.

              There are those that will never really 'get' your special needs child and looking beyond those people is proving more and more difficult as the years pass.

              Anxiety and fear can and will eventually ruin you and the relationships of everyone you hold dear.

               I yell way too much! 

              My wonderful children pick up my most horrible habits and never seem to show my most positive attributes!

              It is harder for some, than others, to let you have your own opinion.  They find it hard to look past it without arguing their point or to try to change your mind.  I am not easily swayed one way or the other. Others surprised me in being able to do this and it makes me appreciate their friendship even more! We are all entitled to our own views!

              Friends are not forever ~ LOVE is!

              Some of my best friends are friends I have never met, haven't seen in 20 plus years, or have only met briefly.  We share our lives through pictures and posts and they tend to be the most caring and supportive people I have the honor of knowing! 

               I spend way too much time on the phone with my real life friends (you know who you are)! The select few who really know me and really get me!

              My parents are getting old and I don't like it!

               I enjoy my immediate & extended family (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins) immensely, but do not get to spend nearly enough time with them.
  
              Being judgmental is human nature.  Not being judgmental proves difficult.

             The strongest, most educated, most beautiful, etc. is not always the winner!

              My morals will always beat out the popular idea, even if they are not always the most commonsensical to others.

              I am more sensitive than I am strong!

              It is very important to laugh at yourself!
   
              Everyone has a breaking point!

              Feeling broken does not make you any less of a human being!

              There are some peoples shoes I NEVER want to walk in and some I wish I could just to give them a break!

              Listening is better than any advice you could ever give.

              Laughing really is the best medicine, but a good cry is cleansing for the soul!

              Everything really does happen for a reason.  

              People cross paths! Some stay, some go, but all have an effect on your life!

              Tragedy brings people together.

               Angels exist.

              My Husband really does complete me!

              I love my children with all my heart and soul, but I am not a very good role model.  I am thankful they have people in their lives that are.

              Things we want don't always come to us and those we avoid seem to run smack into us!

              There will NEVER be enough time, so don't waste what you have.

               Always try!

               Be yourself, not who others see you as.

               God carries me more than I carry myself!

Although these are not all of them, they are the ones that really made an impact on my life this year.  Add some of yours in the comments below!

May you have a Happy, Peaceful & Successful 2013!  

               


  

Remember Thanksgiving?

Year after year Christmas gets its start earlier and earlier. This year it began before Halloween. Maybe it’s because of the recession, but really do we need to see Christmas before Halloween? It’s the retailer’s way of saying “You had better start your shopping before time runs out!” I have come to the conclusion that two very important factors are being forgotten: 1) Thanksgiving is a month before Christmas and 2) Christmas is the Christian celebration of the Birth of Jesus Christ, not a celebration of retail shopping! Okay, even if you aren’t a Christian and don’t celebrate Christmas as Jesus’ Birthday, it still has more meaning to it than buying ugly sweaters and unwanted doodads (we can save this subject for another time)! Too often people are forgetting these factors. Can we please put aside the Christmas decorations and the shopping and remember Thanksgiving this year??? We have a lot to be Thankful for in this World. I for one am thankful that I had this opportunity to share my thoughts with everyone who reads this.

It was a week before Thanksgiving and preparations had already started!

Decorations crowded the stores and the season shown in everyone’s smiles.

The air was brisk, as children prayed for snow.

Traffic was backed up every street corner I turned.

The Turkey’s thawing in the refrigerator,

The china and crystal have been cleaned.

The House is in tip, top shape, for the guests we will be greeting.

Not one cobweb can be seen, fluttering from the ceiling.

Grandma’s eyes are gleaming, while Grandpa is fast asleep in front of the TV.

Finally with one flip of the switch, THE CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS UP????

WHAT?

CHRISTMAS TREE?

What happened to Thanksgiving?

You know, turkey and stuffing, family and friends, a little football on the television!

Thanking our creator and each other, for what we truly love and have!

Thanking…Thanksgiving!!

They go hand in hand!

Have we forgotten this holiday that’s so important to our lives?

Can we not set one short season aside to say THANK YOU?

Thank you that we are alive?

Or have the presents, the trees, the lights and the hype of Christmas become so much that we have forgotten, not only Thanksgiving, but that it’s not presents but the Birth of Jesus Christ, that Christmas is about?

Thanksgiving has been forgotten much earlier this year…

The trees are up,

Christmas Carols are being blared.

Santa Clause has already come to town, weeks ago apparently!

So since people have forgotten to prepare for Thanksgiving this year

Here are the thanks that are in my heart….

Thank you for my life, health, family and friends!

The food that will be at my table when others will have none!

Thank you for my husband’s job and our home!

Thank you for my community that will share with those that have no one!

Thank you for my country, great land of liberty, and those that are protecting

us far from home!

Thank you for not letting me forget that Thanksgiving is a meaningful time of

our autumn season!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING and thank you for being you, my friends and family!

Copyright © November 12, 2009

Sandie Becker

My Parents

This was my Commemorative Speech from my college public speaking class. Some of it may be a "little" exaggerated, but for the most part it really hits on what life in the Murdoch household was like! 

Mom & Dad, every day should be Mother's & Father's day for the hell you have lived through having us kids! Love you both!

My Parents

My Parents!  Mom and Dad!  Who are they?  I am really not sure.  I have known them for 20 years and I still have not figured them out.  I watched them raise five kids, including myself, and am still watching them raise another.  I am really surprised they are still alive.  After all, we have put them through hell more than a dozen times and have given them plenty of opportunities to drop dead from a heart attack.  My parents have probably seen more stationary from schools than the schools knew they had.  They received notices for detentions, suspensions, progress reports, and letters from teachers.  So, they scolded us, cursed us, grounded us, starved us, took the car away from us and have even forbidden us to breathe.  Nothing worked.  Yet, they never gave us away.  They watched us terrorize their home, put holes in the walls; more holes than anyone could ever count, break each others bones, cut each others hair and on a good day they would sit back and watch the five of us in a pile screaming and punching, trying to hurt whoever got in the way.  Sometimes even drawing blood.  Yet, Mom and Dad, stood by us through everything.  They gave us money when we were broke and still do.  They were there through all our troubles,  boyfriends, girlfriends, our first encounter with alcohol, smoking, and drugs.  Through broken friendships, problems at school and even death.  They always had a word of advice, which of course, we never listened to.  Oh, by the way, no matter what my parents say they are not always right!  Sometimes I really wonder if they are even human at all!

Our parents brought us into this world and we all knew they could have taken us out of it!  I am the only girl out of five kids, and the only normal one!  I was not the worst of us kids, but I did my share of not so smart things.  I started the bathroom garbage on fire and I crashed the snowmobile into the neighbors house.  Fortunately, we can now sit back and laugh at the holes in the walls, the fire, the crash, and the time Rich threw Dave into the bathtub and busted the tile surround down. Yes, all of us lived through this!

Mom and Dad even took us on vacations, believe it or not!  Long drives in the station wagon with five kids fighting in the back.  We went on camping trips to a place called nowhere!  You know, "Where we going Dad?"  "Nowhere!  Now leave me alone!"  You never know what could happen on a trip like this, and if it could happen, it did.  Bee stings, poison ivy, scraped knee, raccoons stealing food out of the coolers, sunburns, stepping on a rock, the gutsy little fish nibbling on you while you were swimming, the boat overturning and so much more!  The soft-shell turtle that Dad thought was a log and scaring each other with fish heads!  Hard to believe they put up with us through all of this and still took us camping again!  Of course, we never thought us kids would come back from these trips alive!

We were always crying because of this or that; my new box of crayolas that melted all over the dash of the car, a broke toy, or because of a bump on the head.  There was always those stormy nights when we fit seven people in my parents bed and of course those agonizing screams from a bad dream or a monster under the bed!  Tears were shed for everything, big or little, as long as it made Mom and Dad miserable.  Talk about making them miserable, I must not forget the time our gerbil got out of the cage and made its way to our parents bed!  I won't get into details, but you can imagine what happened after that.  It all seams unreal that they never took us out back into the woods and shot every one of us!

They took care of us when we were sick, with only one complaint:  "Quit throwing up, I'm running out of towels."  We were always too scared to get up and run to the bathroom and even if we did, we never made it.  They were even there through the five of us having chicken pox!

You know those little phases that everyone goes through when they are growing up?  Well, my parents put up with those too.  One night after a long confidential meeting in their bedroom, Rich and Dave announced to Mom and Dad they were running away.  Mom bundled them up because it was the dead of winter, and sent them on their way.  Needless to say, it was dark and they came back in a hurry asking for a ride.  After minutes of begging and getting no where, they decided to stay until morning.  Mom said it was now or never.  So, life in the Murdoch house went on as always!

My parents have seen it all!  They are still here, hopefully to see a whole lot more.  I guess they'll always be raising us kids in their own little way.  Teaching us right from wrong and all of life's little mysteries.  One day they'll be sitting back laughing as we try to do the same with our kids.  They always said "Wait until you have kids, you'll see!"  Of course, we all swore our kids would be angels, unlike the terrors we were, and if they weren't then they would be spending an awful lot of time at Grandma & Grandpa's house!  Some day we will all learn exactly what they meant!

So the question remains;  Who are my parents?  I still haven't figured it out!  Superhuman?  Maybe not, but I do know that they are terrific parents that really love us a lot!

I should note, that after I got married they up and left for Arizona, something we were all pretty shocked by!  Our kids ARE all terrors and they really don't get to spend nearly enough time with Grammie & Papa!  :)  I'm sure they are having a good laugh at our expense!

Another Milestone....

            Tomorrow will mark the end of Lilly's fifth year at Eisenhower Academy.  They have a ceremony called Fifth Grade Farewell before they move on to Junior High.  Eisenhower has been an incredible experience for Lilly and has really helped her grow academically and as a person.  Lilly completed first through fifth grade on high honors, every quarter, all five years.  I am, we are, so incredibly proud of her!  As we celebrate this amazing milestone though, I am also completely broken!  Crying for Maggie!  That she will NEVER have this opportunity!  That I was not able to heal her to a point that she could accomplish this or that she could have the chance to even try!  So often, I feel like such a complete failure in everything I have tried for her!  I had to accept a long time ago, that even though her IQ is through the roof, that she probably was not going to be given the opportunities that Annabelle & Lilly have had.  It doesn't mean I don't fight every day to get her there!  It most definitely does not mean that it doesn't break my heart! Over and over, again!  As her Mother, it devastates me!  I watch those days of complete and total "normalcy" between Maggie, Lilly and Annabelle, where they are equal!  Where Maggie's brilliance shines through with her sisters!  I ask, why not every day?  What are we missing?  It is painstaking!  She has missed out on the academic cultivation that Eisenhower could have given her, going to the same school as her sisters, the incredible music program Dist 86 offers and the friendship of kids in the same area!  I feel there is so much more for her, like she is being held back when she should be excelling!  It exhausts me! As we search for a preschool that is a right fit for Murdoch, the same feelings hit.  I am so thankful that our other children don't have the same struggles that Maggie has, but I know I will feel the same as Murdoch begins hitting his milestones!  It will be a continuous vicious cycle.  As I sit in Eisenhower's Gym tomorrow, I will beam with pride and excitement for Lilly!  I will keep it about her, but I guarantee there will be tears of both joy, for Lilly, and sadness, for Maggie!


 

A Day In The Life of...

...PDD-NOS, Sensory Processing Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, ADHD & Impulse Control Disorder!

It isn't right!

The craziness,

The chaos!

Jumping...screaming

Crying...laughing

Bumping...rolling

Pounding...hitting

IT'S ALL WRONG!

Too tired....can't sleep,

Too loud...too quiet

Turn it up...turn it down

SHUT UP!  Please?

Too soft...too crunchy

It smells...it doesn't

Icky...yummy

I DON'T LIKE THAT!

It hurts...it tickles

Hug me....squeeze me

Carry me...put me down

LEAVE ME ALONE!

Too hot...too cold

Too itchy...too soft

Too short...too long

Too loose...to tight

IT DOESN'T FIT RIGHT!

SCHOOL'S STUPID!

I CAN'T DO IT!

IT'S DISGUSTING!

YOU'RE HURTING ME!

MY BRAIN HATES ME!

MAKE IT GO AWAY!

ARGH!

MOMMY?

I LOVE YOU!

In the midst of the chaos, there is greatness! It is just my wish that the greatness would rescind the chaos! ~ Sandra Becker

* Almost four years since I originally posted this and I can tell you there is hope and the greatness does eventually rescind the chaos...and it's BEAUTIFUL!!

 

 

Another Birthday

Maggie turned 9 today.  Yesterday we celebrated with her siblings and one of her Uncles, an Aunt and two of her cousins.  It was a good day for her.  She received a new bike from us and a doll from her cousins that she had been wanting.  However, for the past 2 months have been spent telling her she cannot have a slumber birthday party.  She has one friend she could invite and her cousin who is 4 yrs the younger.  When she was in first grade we were able to have a swimming party at the park districts indoor pool for her with all the girls from her class.  This was the year she spent in an inclusion classroom and had really grown as far as attending school went.  She had a very disciplined teacher and a special education teacher that had gone to a seminar to understand her primary diagnosis, Sensory Processing Disorder.  She was doing INCREDIBLE in this classroom. She had an absolutely wonderful time.  She was, well, a normal kid on this day.  She was a normal 7 year old.  The stimulation didn't bother her, her auditory was on track, her maturity and social skills were both completely age appropriate.  This day was nothing short of MIRACULOUS.  By the time she entered 2nd grade a lot had changed at her school and change is not a good thing for Maggie!  After a rough start, classroom changes and med changes we eventually had to remove her from her school to an out of district school.  She spends her days in a classroom with other children that have diagnosed behavior, emotional, neurological and mental impairments and disabilities.  These children are all there from various school districts surrounding the school, and they are ALL boys.  You can't exactly have a princess party with a group of boys or a slumber party for that matter.  It has proven heartbreaking for me to continually tell her no.  To try and reason with her.  To try and reassure her.  I honestly thought that having the day off of school for her birthday would be considered awesome to her.  Not so much!  It isn't that she wants to be at school, but it has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster ride today.  She was sure that she was having a party even though we had not invited anyone over and there were no invitations.  She was sure that even though I had said no several dozen times over the past 2 months that there was in fact going to be a slumber party.  She is in fact devastated by it all!  Another birthday of feeling like a complete failure as a parent!  Another day of not having a clue how to make it all better.  Just another birthday!