11 Years

        Eleven Years ago, daughter number three was born.  She wasn't an easy pregnancy by any means and she has proven to be quite the adventurous, stubborn, non-stop one through these eleven years.  She has had to endure much, as have we and her siblings.  Actually, everyone that has encountered her has had to endure her quirks, more difficult ones through a large part of her time here, than easy.

       As the past four months has flown bringing us to her Birthday, she has blossomed. (I actually hate that word, "blossomed".)  It seems to be that girly word that everyone uses. She has grown, progressed, matured, flourished, evolved, blossomed.... however you want to put it, she's getting it!!

      Things have calmed at home, school has become fantastic for her social/emotional well being, she started playing the harp, and she has quit refusing to do her homework and schoolwork. Being the pessimist that I am, I'm waiting for the bomb to go off.

      She no longer seems to hate her little brother (although she does still become agitated by his existence).  She doesn't stomp around slamming doors. She hasn't destroyed a room in at least a year.  She isn't fighting with us every minute of her awake time at home.  She feels accomplished and proud!  FINALLY!  She hasn't asked for a new brain in a quite some time or wished herself dead.  She is simply, HAPPY!  The only thing we ever hoped for, for her, is happiness!

      No more meds, psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists or behavior therapists.  It was like a switch was flipped.  Don't get me wrong, we don't have perfection. There will never be perfection. Perfection is highly overrated! Her long list of diagnosis' haven't gone away, but she has learned to cope and overcome.  She is conquering her demons and finding strength in her abilities.  She has found positivity in adversity.  She discovered self confidence!

       I couldn't be prouder of the young girl that our Maggie has become.  I can't wait to see what she will continue to accomplish and throw in our path's!  Through every mountain we've had to climb and hole we've had to dig out of there has always been hope and love!  Yes, a lot of tears and why's and wanting to give up.  Yet, we never stopped hoping, we never stopped loving. 

      Magnificent Maggie will be blazing a new trail in the next 6 months when she enters Junior High.  Back to district, new friends, new adventures and new goals to achieve!  I can't wait to see where this journey will lead.......

     

Memories of the Birthday that Wasn't

I wrote this 2 years ago on my 40th Birthday and have added a couple of things, but for the most part, it remains the memories of an 11 year old, heart broken girl on her birthday.  

          29 years ago on my 11th birthday I was awoken to the news of my Grandma Murdoch's passing.  As a child, I was torn on whether or not I should go to school.  I did after all have candy to pass out.  I decided to stay home and ate the candy myself.  I don't recall if I shared it with my 4 brothers.  More than likely not, since I don't have a memory of it.  I was quite angry that my Grandmother chose my day to die.  I couldn't imagine a more horrific reason to not want to celebrate my birthday ever again.  Not to mention that the days following would have NOTHING to do with me.  Quite a selfish little brat I was, huh?  I recall lots of relatives appearing, family friends stopping by, the planning of the wake/funeral and wanting so badly to be a part, yet keeping to myself.  I don't remember if there was a happy birthday sang or mom's famous chocolate sheet cake made.  How could she do this to me?  No more shopping trips or lunches out.  No more movies (she introduced me to Little Orphan Annie and E.T.) or trips to Marshall Fields to visit her while she worked. They had the BEST chocolate cookies. No more spending the night, Halloween visits, or Christmas Eve dinners.  No more Saturday evening masses sitting in the front pew or surprise visits to get me out of yard work that she felt the boys should be doing.  No more Birthday PRESENTS!  Well, apparently just one more!   Someone appeared with a box (not sure what day) that contained a pair of purple knickers and a long sleeved white and purple shirt from, where else, Marshall Fields!  She remembered (not sure if it really did come from her, but at the time it didn't matter)!  Had she ever let me down?  So it wasn't some great piece of heirloom jewelry (that didn't matter to an 11 year old), but I wore them with pride and confidence (and EVERYONE made fun of me)! Even after they had ripped and no longer fit I didn't want to let them go! It has not gotten easier to be without her these past 29 Birthdays. I still cry over her absence, my wedding especially hard.  I walked down the aisle carrying a white hankie that my Aunt Barb purchased. The note with it read "In memory of someone who thought you were pretty special." We were able to get married at Old St. Mary's Church in Mokena where she is buried next to my Grandfather.   We played Hail Mary, Gentle Woman during the wedding, a song from her funeral mass and placed flowers at her & Grandpa's grave.  I know she has been here with me through it all, I couldn't have asked for a better Guardian Angel than God has given me.  It took me some time to realize that her passing on my birthday was a gift and not a curse.  She has brought me through a lot and the memories of Grandma curled in her chair with an afghan, a pop, her rosary and prayer book can bring a smile to my face whenever I need one. The emptiness of her absence will never cease, but knowing she was strong and happy during her years here does help.  Her love is forever felt in my heart, especially today on my 40th Birthday!

The words I wrote as an 11 year old....

"Grandma." I say and I can't hear your voice or wipe away the pain.
I see you in my dreams,
I remember some days, good and bad,
When you were well and picked me up from school,
Or when you were sick, on a Sunday after church
We would come and visit you.
I will remember that day,
The sounds of everyones pain,
It hurt, It was my birthday.
You weren't there,
No celebrations I would have
There were more important things to tend to.
I felt privileged though, believe it or not,
But also, a little cheated
God chose a good day for you to die.
I cried, sometimes still do.
I remember your face
  and that purple dress that covered up your neck.
I said good-bye,
One last time.
I miss you Grandma,
But I'll see you one day
Up there in paradise and hopefully,
  you will look the same as I remember,
When I turned eleven,
On my Birthday,
The day God took you away!

This year would have been Grandma's 100th Birthday.

Copyright © 10/15/2011
Sandra Becker