Motherhood

Motherhood is the most thankless, selfless, yet purposeful job in existence. At any given time you are smiling, crying, laughing, frowning, drowning, hiding, screaming, whispering, overwhelmed, underprepared, overtired, failing and on the brink of insanity. You feel worthless and broken, sure you've ruined it all. Positive you have not given anything worth a fucking damn to those tiny humans that grew way too freaking fast! Positive that everything was for naught. Positive they can't survive out there because your love wasn't enough. That what you had to work with, wasn't enough. That they are harboring a deep seated hate for all your imperfections you tried so fucking hard not to show (especially your use of the F-bomb). Your anger and frustrations and lack of patience and inability to hold on just 10 more minutes until they were in bed or because you just didn't walk away soon enough. Because you lost it way too many times. Because you really are bat-shit-crazy and because you really are just human and not the superhero they needed you to be. Because you forgot the permission slip, again. Because you forgot to wash their favorite jeans, again. Because you forgot it was red, purple, yellow or sea-foam green or whatever freaking color day at school and didn't buy them something to wear, again. You forgot a thousand times and then you forgot again. As my good friend Stephanie would say, you can’t get your self-worth from this job. No words have ever rung truer. At the end of the day, you have to look at what you did do, not what you didn’t do. You gave them life and hope and love. You gave them faith and dreams. You gave them safety and a home. You gave them lullabies and thousands of good night kisses. You gave them piggy-back rides and pushed them on the swing. You played in the sand with them, splashed in puddles and made mud pies. You played hopscotch 8,367 times in a row and watched Lion King four times a day for two years straight.
 You fed them (yes, tater tots count), clothed them (although not always in clean clothes), bathed them, snuggled them, kissed away the pain, and always, always loved them. You drove them here and there and everywhere. You encouraged them to be fearless, to do their best, to be real, to be proud, to be confident, to believe in themselves and to believe in goodness. You taught them

My brood 💙

compassion, respect and kindness. You pushed them to excel at their hobbies and talents. You stayed up countless nights when they were sick, you carried them back to bed, you dried their tears, you comforted them after a bad dream, let them take over your bed or slept with them in theirs. You listened to their excitement over something you really didn’t give a crap about. You taught them to turn up the music and dance, sing and laugh. You took them adventuring and didn't lose them (well, maybe for a few minutes). You taught them to be brave, smart, strong, and resilient. You let them live to see another day. Now what was it that you didn’t get right? The next time you are having an emotionally charged motherhood breakdown, remember…

You gave them every freaking bit of yourself! Everything!

You rock!

You are a star!

Sandra Murdoch-Becker, Copyright May 10, 2017 ©️

LIFE

2016 didn't suck....

I am grateful for every gift, every moment, every memory, every lesson I have been blessed with. I celebrate and treasure every joy, sadness, adventure, and tranquil occasion I have been able to experience. The good and the bad that I have encountered has shaped me. Mostly, I am beyond grateful for every soul I have met on this journey through life. Thank you for your light and love and the lessons you brought to me. ~smb 💖

I'm really surprised at the number of friends and family saying good riddance to 2016. Seriously, did all of it suck? Did the entire year deserve the label of 'Suckiest Year Ever'? I can't say that. I can say that parts of it sucked, most definitely, but doesn't every year have those moments? My 2016 was truly a year of transformation for me. As the realization hit that the kids are getting older and I was being used way too much by them, I knew changes had to occur. Time to evolve for this stay at home mom. I had to, for my own well being, take time for me. Find my self-worth that I hadn't even realized was missing. I had lost my center, my balance, my sanity, who I was at my core and didn't even realize it. I found solace under the sky in the clouds, stars, sun and moon, even in the winter. I was so focused on raising this house full of kids, dealing with diagnosis after diagnosis, chaos (theirs and mine), drama, school, IEP's, extra curricular activities, volunteering, therapies, research on a never ending basis, and then all the normal household crap that went with it. Up at 5, bed at midnight; my days were long and sleep, I convinced myself, was unnecessary. The apartment (drink) was a huge thorn in my side this year with too much to remodel, a new roof and gutters and empty, income-less apartments. Yet, even through that, I found opportunity for growth and the motivation to just take off with four kids through 10 states for over two weeks. It was an empowering, beautiful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything! I found my inner child that I buried trying too hard to be landlord, mom and wife. We visited family and friends, made memories and found so much awe and beauty throughout the trip that will last us a lifetime! We met strangers with hearts of gold, collected more rocks than I can count, irritated the hell out of each other, laughed until our stomaches hurt, stared at the night skies and reveled in the beauty of seeing stars in a completely darkened state. The sunsets while driving, the rise of a full moon against the backdrop of mountains and the numerous cloud formations and rain storms were unforgettable and drew so much emotion. Visiting Sedona and driving through the mountains was definitely one of my favorite parts and the perfect spot to distract myself from the fact that I just left my parents house (it's always traumatic for me to leave them). I found myself breathless, in tears, longing to stay forever among the glorious red mountains with a never-ending sky. I don't know why I thought a quick stop was going to be enough to take it all in. The drive through Utah along the Colorado River and through the Rockies to Glenwood Springs and eventually to the Denver area drew the same strong emotions. I could stay in the mountains forever. The driving aspect of this trip brought a lot of time to reflect on myself. It gave me a lot of time to rip apart the layers and examine what was in my depths. All the stuff I tend to push back and ignore.

I realized, that on my journey, I tend to draw the right people into my path. The timing may not always seem to be right, but there is always a reason or a lesson or a new/rekindled friendship to be found. I have become much more conscious this year of the little things. Of the things I have always taken for granted. Gratitude became a huge part of my life. Gratitude of all those little things and big things!  I decided to take the compliments of others a little more to heart instead of brushing them off as if they were crazy and didn't see who I really was. I began enjoying the moments as they happened instead of stressing over what still needed to be done. I began to love who I was instead of searching and trying for societal perfection. Perfection, after all, is only one's perception. I embraced my weirdness (more so than I already did) as my uniqueness. I quit giving credit to the insults, whether they were my own or from others. I let go of a huge part of myself that I never should have been holding onto. I got angry, I got mad, I held onto some hate that I shouldn't have. I was hurt and hurt others in return, but in the end I had to forgive myself and them because we only ever have this moment and to spend any amount of time in negativity is counterproductive of our purpose! I chose to spread as much kindness as I could and found the happiness within myself that I so desperately needed. I found beauty in my flaws that led me on the path of self love. I finally realized, 45 years too late, that it isn't up to me to make others happy, nor would I ever accomplish that.  Happiness is a choice, your own choice! I discovered the only person I truly needed was myself. We can only love another as deeply as we love ourselves...so I did a ton of self-loving! I've worked hard this year spreading love in any possible way I could, although I didn't always succeed. But, that's the beauty of awakening to a new day...you get to try again. There is no perfection here, I never wanted there to be. I just wanted to be the real me.

I for one am wrapping up 2016 with a pretty little bow and placing it on the shelf as a huge accomplishment, a trophy of sorts. Overall, I found it to be a beautiful year. I know we all felt loss this year in a big way with the deaths of many music, actor/actress and literary icons. We had personal loss of family and friends. They all were emotional and heartbreaking losses. I tend to look at it this way though...they left behind a legacy of beautiful music, movies, books and memories. Through the experiences we will hold close what each one meant to us and most of us will share that with generations to come. These souls are still close by because we valued them so much. They will impact many lives, and those not yet born.

I already began unwrapping 2017 and decided to embark on expanding my purpose beyond being the lady in the brick house on Raynor Avenue with all those kids. I accepted a part time job and will start school full time and in the process, will more than likely lose the rest of my mind and that's okay. I will work my way through it as I always do. I plan to find the magic, beauty and love in everything I can. I plan to follow my dreams, accomplish my goals and triumph over my self-doubt. I plan to have fun in the madness, chaos and crazy dynamic that is my kids. I plan to stay excited and continue adventuring (even if it's just at the grocery store). I plan to continue dancing and singing (even though Maggie reminds me constantly that I don't sing in tune). I plan to continue finding some time for silence and keep my soul free from the confines I tend to place on it. I plan to go freaking SHINE and AMAZE myself!  I HOPE and WISH all of you do the same!

Have a Happy, Prosperous, Beautiful full of Magic & Love 2017!
💋

Copyright December, 2017 ©

I found myself...

I found myself in the morning glow of the sunrise
and in the vibrant colors of the sunset.

I found myself in the new day
and in the onset of night.

I found myself in the wonders of the moon
and in the wishes on shooting stars.

I found myself on the highest mountain
and in the lowest valley.

I found myself in the darkest storms
and in the gentlest rains.

I found myself in the depths of the universe
and in the surface of the earth.

I found myself in the pounding ocean waves

and in the calm of a pond.

I found myself in the thickest mud
and in the softest grass.

I found myself in the murkiest of waters
and in the clearest skies. 

I found myself in the blackest night
and in the sunniest day.

I found myself in the ugliness of the world
and in the beauty of nature.

I found myself in my most negative thoughts
and in my happiest moments.

I found myself in anger
and in kindness.

I found myself in the fights
and in the apologies.

I found myself in the most chaotic situations
and in the calmest corners.

I found myself in insults
and in compliments.

I found myself in failure
and in success.

I found myself in arguments
and in silence.

I found myself in the memories of the deceased
and in the words of the living.

I found myself in broken promises
and in dreams.

I found myself in the music
and in the lyrics.

I found myself in my sadness
and in my happiness.

I found myself in my wanderings
and in my stillness.

I found myself in hatred
and in love.

I found myself nowhere
and everywhere.

I found myself in my soul...
        not in your perception.


Sandra Murdoch-Becker
Copyright © 2016 All Rights Reserved