For the Love of an Addict

To love an addict is the most emotionally draining relationship to carry.
Do you know one?
A family member, friend, spouse, or a co-worker?
Are you one?
What's your part in the relationship?
Maybe your lucky enough to be an audience member. 
Fortunate, you only have to sit and pass your judgement on the act playing out in your distant vision.
Maybe you're the dealer or the drink provider, the devil himself.
Maybe you are simply the enabler who thinks they are helping, supporting.

The biggest question I ask myself multiple times a day is, "Am I enabling or supporting?".
I often wonder if they are one in the same.
Is it possible to even be supportive without enabling?
Everyone's perspective of it is different.
What one views as being supportive can be viewed by another as being the enabler, and so the opposite also holds true.
It's definitely a Catch 22.
It's been a life long controversy in my head.
I've never put it on paper, never talked about it with another human, and never asked about it.
Just sat and argued with myself in the corners of my day and cried.
I've been lectured about it, but never asked how I feel about it or how I've lived with it.

I've carried on many conversations with the rising sun and the night sky about it.
Their beauty never gave me answers but always lifted my soul for a moment or two.
It got me through many days.
The thought of my loved ones always in the back of my head.
Often wondering how did they even get here?
How do they not love themselves enough when they obviously have so many that love them?
I never understood it.
How could I? I'm not an addict. I'm the enabler. The supporter. The comforter.
The one who doesn't get it.
The one sitting on the outside.

It's a burden to love, just as the addiction is a burden.
I wasted so much time trying to understand their choices.
Trying to be in their heads.
I never even had the urge to try any of it, how could I understand it?
So much energy wasted on the wondering and the what if's!
It is heartbreaking to know they don't love....couldn't love themselves enough to quit.
Their lives incomplete without it.
Like the need for a cup of coffee or a good book.
The need for their poison more important than anything or anyone in the physical world.
Maybe they were just waiting for death to come knocking.
Trust me, I'm not judging. Just thinking it through.
Still wasting time on wondering.



It hurts on this side (in case you wondered).
I've been raging mad, brought to my knees with sadness and cried tears that didn't matter.
I've spend much time in exhaustive worry.
Scared of the worst images my mind could conjure.
Overwhelmed with feelings one should not have to feel.
Conquered by the fear.
There is no winning here.
People just don't talk about it.

So, we've warned our children.
It's a dominant force in our lives.
They all know it's there and it's a risk to make this choice.
It could engulf them.
Or, as it was with me, it may not be appealing.
I pray this to be true.
I pray for them eternally that they won't know.
That they won't be the addict.
That they won't have to know the duties of the supportive enabler.

I've watched addiction. I've watched recovery. They are both a fight that never ends.

Searching....

         


          As a parent with a house full of kids, I often wonder what the heck I am doing!  Really.  I do. I have to literally stop in my tracks and realize that my frustration is adding to the kids frustration, that is in turn just totally ticking me off and making everything worse. So, I'm searching...for joy and happiness and love and laughter, now, in all the simple moments.  I am trying to make every effort possible to remove the negative, the frustration, the anger and just find the happy.  See, if I'm happy, the kids are happy.  There is way too much worry and intensity is this little, overcrowded, chaotic house of ours.  We need more laughter! Search for, find and remember the fun! Hysterical laughter helps too!

Charity

Sometimes we are the receiver.  Sometimes we are the giver.  Either way, it brings happiness, joy and love!

           The definition of charitable or charity do not really need explanation.  The thing that needs explaining is how the needs of others should NEVER be questioned or judged.  What one is in need of may seem unnecessary to you or I, but it isn't our need.  If you don't feel a giving heart for that cause, then don't give.  It is not ours to say if someone else should give. It is that simple. We all have our own causes and our own need.  Be passionate about yours, don't bring judgement to another.  The power of social media has given us all an opportunity to spread good will in our community and across the globe.  Take advantage of it! Giving a dollar or even a benevolent smile can change the world, don't think for a second that it doesn't make a difference. It does! It gives opportunity and encouragement where there was none. 

           Don't be ashamed of charity offered to you or having to ask for it.  That is what we are all here for. To give and to receive. It's a fairly simple, commonsensical concept. Get it out of your head that you're too good to receive it, just be grateful for the blessing. Get it out of your head that you don't need to give, it hardens the heart. Being stubborn or greedy will get you nowhere in life.

"When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is BLESSED." 

~ Maya Angelou ~

Memories of the Birthday that Wasn't

I wrote this 2 years ago on my 40th Birthday and have added a couple of things, but for the most part, it remains the memories of an 11 year old, heart broken girl on her birthday.  

          29 years ago on my 11th birthday I was awoken to the news of my Grandma Murdoch's passing.  As a child, I was torn on whether or not I should go to school.  I did after all have candy to pass out.  I decided to stay home and ate the candy myself.  I don't recall if I shared it with my 4 brothers.  More than likely not, since I don't have a memory of it.  I was quite angry that my Grandmother chose my day to die.  I couldn't imagine a more horrific reason to not want to celebrate my birthday ever again.  Not to mention that the days following would have NOTHING to do with me.  Quite a selfish little brat I was, huh?  I recall lots of relatives appearing, family friends stopping by, the planning of the wake/funeral and wanting so badly to be a part, yet keeping to myself.  I don't remember if there was a happy birthday sang or mom's famous chocolate sheet cake made.  How could she do this to me?  No more shopping trips or lunches out.  No more movies (she introduced me to Little Orphan Annie and E.T.) or trips to Marshall Fields to visit her while she worked. They had the BEST chocolate cookies. No more spending the night, Halloween visits, or Christmas Eve dinners.  No more Saturday evening masses sitting in the front pew or surprise visits to get me out of yard work that she felt the boys should be doing.  No more Birthday PRESENTS!  Well, apparently just one more!   Someone appeared with a box (not sure what day) that contained a pair of purple knickers and a long sleeved white and purple shirt from, where else, Marshall Fields!  She remembered (not sure if it really did come from her, but at the time it didn't matter)!  Had she ever let me down?  So it wasn't some great piece of heirloom jewelry (that didn't matter to an 11 year old), but I wore them with pride and confidence (and EVERYONE made fun of me)! Even after they had ripped and no longer fit I didn't want to let them go! It has not gotten easier to be without her these past 29 Birthdays. I still cry over her absence, my wedding especially hard.  I walked down the aisle carrying a white hankie that my Aunt Barb purchased. The note with it read "In memory of someone who thought you were pretty special." We were able to get married at Old St. Mary's Church in Mokena where she is buried next to my Grandfather.   We played Hail Mary, Gentle Woman during the wedding, a song from her funeral mass and placed flowers at her & Grandpa's grave.  I know she has been here with me through it all, I couldn't have asked for a better Guardian Angel than God has given me.  It took me some time to realize that her passing on my birthday was a gift and not a curse.  She has brought me through a lot and the memories of Grandma curled in her chair with an afghan, a pop, her rosary and prayer book can bring a smile to my face whenever I need one. The emptiness of her absence will never cease, but knowing she was strong and happy during her years here does help.  Her love is forever felt in my heart, especially today on my 40th Birthday!

The words I wrote as an 11 year old....

"Grandma." I say and I can't hear your voice or wipe away the pain.
I see you in my dreams,
I remember some days, good and bad,
When you were well and picked me up from school,
Or when you were sick, on a Sunday after church
We would come and visit you.
I will remember that day,
The sounds of everyones pain,
It hurt, It was my birthday.
You weren't there,
No celebrations I would have
There were more important things to tend to.
I felt privileged though, believe it or not,
But also, a little cheated
God chose a good day for you to die.
I cried, sometimes still do.
I remember your face
  and that purple dress that covered up your neck.
I said good-bye,
One last time.
I miss you Grandma,
But I'll see you one day
Up there in paradise and hopefully,
  you will look the same as I remember,
When I turned eleven,
On my Birthday,
The day God took you away!

This year would have been Grandma's 100th Birthday.

Copyright © 10/15/2011
Sandra Becker

The Reunion

            I never put much stock in the number that is my age. Hitting 30 and even 40 never concerned me too awful much.  After all, you only become a day older than you were the day before your birthday.  Your age is just a number and cannot measure the life you live.  However, death is a different story!  Two losses in the last week have hit me pretty hard.  This has left me pondering, as those numbers keep adding up, the age of those around me are also adding up.  Unfortunately with every passing second comes the chance meeting with death, for all ages.  Acceptance of age is one thing.  Acceptance of death, a whole different thing!

          With death comes sorrow and all the thoughts of the should haves and would haves.  I can honestly say that the only regret I have with the recent loss in our family is that I wish we had more time to visit.  I feel very blessed with what time we did have.  Very blessed that my Uncle Fritz was able to visit this past summer with Aunt Becky for our Miller Family Reunion.  I will treasure the time they spent here!  The memories are forever and bring some contentment at this time!  These memories of Uncle Fritz will mean everything with each passing day!  The heartbreak is never easy and it is always helpful to have the support of family friends while grieving. 

           As prayers & condolences flooded FaceBook after Uncle Fritz's passing on Friday night, there were many words that brought peace.  Unfortunately, no words could take away the sorrow.  When my Uncle Jim posted yesterday, there was a barrage of condolences on his status, but one in particular stopped my flood of tears and actually brought a smile to my face.  One comment that made me stop and rethink death all together!  I don't know this person, but credit is due to Dinah Torres-Quinones (a friend of Uncle Jim's) for the following words she wrote: 

"I have prayed for your brother and his family and am so sorry to hear that he has passed. I pray now that you will all find comfort in your wonderful memories and in a truth I hold on to daily after my father passed, Fritz is not in your past but instead he has transitioned into your future! What a glorious reunion in heaven to look forward to. May your family be surrounded by the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit and in time that your mourning be turned to joy."  

What an incredible, faithful thought!  We all say when someone dies "Some day we will see them in Heaven", but how many of us look forward to it?  We anticipate life events like a graduation, marriage, family get togethers or the birth of a baby.  How many of us anticipate the reunion in heaven?  Why not?  

          Ultimately, our faith is suppose to prepare us for the journey to our death.  This life was never the true goal that God set for us.  Our earthly life is to live faithfully, to learn and give of ourselves for the benefit of others.  To HELP those less fortunate.  We are here as preparation for eternal life in Heaven.  This life tests us on a constant basis and when God calls us, we go!  So now, as Dinah said, we have a reunion to look forward to, with Uncle Fritz and so many others that God has called along the way!  

(As it turns out, Dinah shares her words of wisdom in a blog.  Check it out here:
http://dinahsdailydose.wordpress.com/)

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

You Don't Know...

                 

                         I am the Mom next to, behind or in front of you in the church pew.  I can hear the aggravation in your breathing.  I can feel your stares.  I can see your side way glances and your eye rolls. I have listened to your whispers about my child not participating properly in the mass.  I can see the look of horror in your eyes when my child does not receive communion or dances/runs/skips back to the pew on the rare occasion that my child can tolerate communion.  Then I see the gasps when my child returns chomping and/or gagging because it wasn't exactly what my child could tolerate that day.  Believe me, I know that my child's books/crayons/movements/talking are not appropriate for church (especially for her age)!  I am trying to teach my child to be a part of this giving and loving community.  Yes, my child leaves to go to the bathroom and 10 minutes later to get a drink of water.  Why does this bother you? No, my child can't sit still.  Yes, my child talks.  Yes, my child is disruptive.  Yes, my child crawls under the pews.  Yes, my child bounces her legs, shaking the whole pew.  Yes, my child chomps on gum.  I go through mass witnessing your actions on top of my child's actions and I get irritated, frustrated, emotional. I reprimand the best I can without making a bigger scene and I get more looks and frustrated whispers.  I suck back tears through most of the mass.  I leave in a much worse place than I was when I walked into this Church of God. The one place where we should be accepted! You are suppose to be my Christian Brothers & Sisters.  My child does not do these things to disrespect you or God.  My child does these things because, well, because it CANNOT be controlled.  My child is special needs.  My child has more than one diagnosis: PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified) an autism diagnosis, GAD (General Anxiety Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), and Impulse Control Disorder.  There are more, but we quit searching for another diagnosis to focus more on helping our child! My child looks "normal".   To most, my child appears spoiled, disrespectful and in need of discipline.
                                                                                                                                                              The reality is.... 

•  my child's maturity is lacking by at least 2 years, which makes socialization difficult and usually not appropriate. 
• my child's sensory system is so unregulated that sitting still is impossible, chewing on gum a must, climbing around needed, leaving for the bathroom a much needed "break".
• my child doesn't understand that what she does effects everyone else.
• my child has oral sensory sensitivities which make receiving Communion a huge challenge, not to mention many foods!
• my child is in a constant "fight" with the body and the brain!
• my child NEEDS your patience and understanding!

                Please, I beg of you, the next time you see a child "acting out" keep in mind what could possibly be going on.  Keep your whispers and eye rolls to yourself.  Dig deep and find some understanding. Don't judge the child or the parent.  Offer help if you can. Most importantly say a prayer for that child, the siblings, and the parents, every day is a struggle! 

2012 Revelations

2012 brought me a lot of,  shall we say, 'revelations'! Things I have always known, but have really hit the mind (and heart) with power this year....

             Forgiving, especially those who have never really asked for forgiveness, is heart wrenching difficult.

              There are those that will never really 'get' your special needs child and looking beyond those people is proving more and more difficult as the years pass.

              Anxiety and fear can and will eventually ruin you and the relationships of everyone you hold dear.

               I yell way too much! 

              My wonderful children pick up my most horrible habits and never seem to show my most positive attributes!

              It is harder for some, than others, to let you have your own opinion.  They find it hard to look past it without arguing their point or to try to change your mind.  I am not easily swayed one way or the other. Others surprised me in being able to do this and it makes me appreciate their friendship even more! We are all entitled to our own views!

              Friends are not forever ~ LOVE is!

              Some of my best friends are friends I have never met, haven't seen in 20 plus years, or have only met briefly.  We share our lives through pictures and posts and they tend to be the most caring and supportive people I have the honor of knowing! 

               I spend way too much time on the phone with my real life friends (you know who you are)! The select few who really know me and really get me!

              My parents are getting old and I don't like it!

               I enjoy my immediate & extended family (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins) immensely, but do not get to spend nearly enough time with them.
  
              Being judgmental is human nature.  Not being judgmental proves difficult.

             The strongest, most educated, most beautiful, etc. is not always the winner!

              My morals will always beat out the popular idea, even if they are not always the most commonsensical to others.

              I am more sensitive than I am strong!

              It is very important to laugh at yourself!
   
              Everyone has a breaking point!

              Feeling broken does not make you any less of a human being!

              There are some peoples shoes I NEVER want to walk in and some I wish I could just to give them a break!

              Listening is better than any advice you could ever give.

              Laughing really is the best medicine, but a good cry is cleansing for the soul!

              Everything really does happen for a reason.  

              People cross paths! Some stay, some go, but all have an effect on your life!

              Tragedy brings people together.

               Angels exist.

              My Husband really does complete me!

              I love my children with all my heart and soul, but I am not a very good role model.  I am thankful they have people in their lives that are.

              Things we want don't always come to us and those we avoid seem to run smack into us!

              There will NEVER be enough time, so don't waste what you have.

               Always try!

               Be yourself, not who others see you as.

               God carries me more than I carry myself!

Although these are not all of them, they are the ones that really made an impact on my life this year.  Add some of yours in the comments below!

May you have a Happy, Peaceful & Successful 2013!  

               


  

My Parents

This was my Commemorative Speech from my college public speaking class. Some of it may be a "little" exaggerated, but for the most part it really hits on what life in the Murdoch household was like! 

Mom & Dad, every day should be Mother's & Father's day for the hell you have lived through having us kids! Love you both!

My Parents

My Parents!  Mom and Dad!  Who are they?  I am really not sure.  I have known them for 20 years and I still have not figured them out.  I watched them raise five kids, including myself, and am still watching them raise another.  I am really surprised they are still alive.  After all, we have put them through hell more than a dozen times and have given them plenty of opportunities to drop dead from a heart attack.  My parents have probably seen more stationary from schools than the schools knew they had.  They received notices for detentions, suspensions, progress reports, and letters from teachers.  So, they scolded us, cursed us, grounded us, starved us, took the car away from us and have even forbidden us to breathe.  Nothing worked.  Yet, they never gave us away.  They watched us terrorize their home, put holes in the walls; more holes than anyone could ever count, break each others bones, cut each others hair and on a good day they would sit back and watch the five of us in a pile screaming and punching, trying to hurt whoever got in the way.  Sometimes even drawing blood.  Yet, Mom and Dad, stood by us through everything.  They gave us money when we were broke and still do.  They were there through all our troubles,  boyfriends, girlfriends, our first encounter with alcohol, smoking, and drugs.  Through broken friendships, problems at school and even death.  They always had a word of advice, which of course, we never listened to.  Oh, by the way, no matter what my parents say they are not always right!  Sometimes I really wonder if they are even human at all!

Our parents brought us into this world and we all knew they could have taken us out of it!  I am the only girl out of five kids, and the only normal one!  I was not the worst of us kids, but I did my share of not so smart things.  I started the bathroom garbage on fire and I crashed the snowmobile into the neighbors house.  Fortunately, we can now sit back and laugh at the holes in the walls, the fire, the crash, and the time Rich threw Dave into the bathtub and busted the tile surround down. Yes, all of us lived through this!

Mom and Dad even took us on vacations, believe it or not!  Long drives in the station wagon with five kids fighting in the back.  We went on camping trips to a place called nowhere!  You know, "Where we going Dad?"  "Nowhere!  Now leave me alone!"  You never know what could happen on a trip like this, and if it could happen, it did.  Bee stings, poison ivy, scraped knee, raccoons stealing food out of the coolers, sunburns, stepping on a rock, the gutsy little fish nibbling on you while you were swimming, the boat overturning and so much more!  The soft-shell turtle that Dad thought was a log and scaring each other with fish heads!  Hard to believe they put up with us through all of this and still took us camping again!  Of course, we never thought us kids would come back from these trips alive!

We were always crying because of this or that; my new box of crayolas that melted all over the dash of the car, a broke toy, or because of a bump on the head.  There was always those stormy nights when we fit seven people in my parents bed and of course those agonizing screams from a bad dream or a monster under the bed!  Tears were shed for everything, big or little, as long as it made Mom and Dad miserable.  Talk about making them miserable, I must not forget the time our gerbil got out of the cage and made its way to our parents bed!  I won't get into details, but you can imagine what happened after that.  It all seams unreal that they never took us out back into the woods and shot every one of us!

They took care of us when we were sick, with only one complaint:  "Quit throwing up, I'm running out of towels."  We were always too scared to get up and run to the bathroom and even if we did, we never made it.  They were even there through the five of us having chicken pox!

You know those little phases that everyone goes through when they are growing up?  Well, my parents put up with those too.  One night after a long confidential meeting in their bedroom, Rich and Dave announced to Mom and Dad they were running away.  Mom bundled them up because it was the dead of winter, and sent them on their way.  Needless to say, it was dark and they came back in a hurry asking for a ride.  After minutes of begging and getting no where, they decided to stay until morning.  Mom said it was now or never.  So, life in the Murdoch house went on as always!

My parents have seen it all!  They are still here, hopefully to see a whole lot more.  I guess they'll always be raising us kids in their own little way.  Teaching us right from wrong and all of life's little mysteries.  One day they'll be sitting back laughing as we try to do the same with our kids.  They always said "Wait until you have kids, you'll see!"  Of course, we all swore our kids would be angels, unlike the terrors we were, and if they weren't then they would be spending an awful lot of time at Grandma & Grandpa's house!  Some day we will all learn exactly what they meant!

So the question remains;  Who are my parents?  I still haven't figured it out!  Superhuman?  Maybe not, but I do know that they are terrific parents that really love us a lot!

I should note, that after I got married they up and left for Arizona, something we were all pretty shocked by!  Our kids ARE all terrors and they really don't get to spend nearly enough time with Grammie & Papa!  :)  I'm sure they are having a good laugh at our expense!

Another Milestone....

            Tomorrow will mark the end of Lilly's fifth year at Eisenhower Academy.  They have a ceremony called Fifth Grade Farewell before they move on to Junior High.  Eisenhower has been an incredible experience for Lilly and has really helped her grow academically and as a person.  Lilly completed first through fifth grade on high honors, every quarter, all five years.  I am, we are, so incredibly proud of her!  As we celebrate this amazing milestone though, I am also completely broken!  Crying for Maggie!  That she will NEVER have this opportunity!  That I was not able to heal her to a point that she could accomplish this or that she could have the chance to even try!  So often, I feel like such a complete failure in everything I have tried for her!  I had to accept a long time ago, that even though her IQ is through the roof, that she probably was not going to be given the opportunities that Annabelle & Lilly have had.  It doesn't mean I don't fight every day to get her there!  It most definitely does not mean that it doesn't break my heart! Over and over, again!  As her Mother, it devastates me!  I watch those days of complete and total "normalcy" between Maggie, Lilly and Annabelle, where they are equal!  Where Maggie's brilliance shines through with her sisters!  I ask, why not every day?  What are we missing?  It is painstaking!  She has missed out on the academic cultivation that Eisenhower could have given her, going to the same school as her sisters, the incredible music program Dist 86 offers and the friendship of kids in the same area!  I feel there is so much more for her, like she is being held back when she should be excelling!  It exhausts me! As we search for a preschool that is a right fit for Murdoch, the same feelings hit.  I am so thankful that our other children don't have the same struggles that Maggie has, but I know I will feel the same as Murdoch begins hitting his milestones!  It will be a continuous vicious cycle.  As I sit in Eisenhower's Gym tomorrow, I will beam with pride and excitement for Lilly!  I will keep it about her, but I guarantee there will be tears of both joy, for Lilly, and sadness, for Maggie!


 

Patience Please

Here is a past post I wrote that was only published on Facebook.  It gives you a little background and the reasons for a lot of my craziness. 
                 

                      There came a time when Annabelle was 4 and Lilly was newborn and I was begging God on a daily basis for patience.  Where is it?  I can't do this!  Hello?  Are you listening God?  Nothing.  I battled and battled daily not to explode and couldn't understand why God wasn't helping me.  I spent the first year of Annabelle's life home with her and thoroughly enjoyed it, and was now again three years later doing it again with Lilly.  Only this time was much different.  I had a very active 4 year old to deal with as well as Lilly as a baby.  I was sleep deprived and overwhelmed in every aspect of my life.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to work, but WOW was this hard!!  I was still praying 15 times a day for patience and still didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.   A year later I found out I was pregnant again.  I was very excited for another chance to have a boy!  In Camron's mind we were done having kids so it was a bit of a shock to him!  Of course things got harder. I had literally just finished nursing Lilly, Annabelle was turning 5 and starting Kindergarten in a couple months, I was exhausted.  God, where is that patience I keep asking for?  Again, nothing!  Daily tribulations continued.  I fought myself to stay in control and continued on with life!  Maggie came along 4 months before Lilly's 2nd birthday.  Seemingly perfect!  Perfect APGAR, perfect face, 10 fingers, 10 toes!  She nursed, she slept....Life was good, except for that patience thing!  As time went on and the girls got older, I really was in need of patience.  Begging God, PLEASE SEND ME SOME PATIENCE!  NOTHING!  As Maggie got older we noticed little things didn't seem right, she wouldn't respond when talked to, but her hearing tested fine, her vocabulary was slim at best, but improved quickly after mention to the pediatrician, eye contact was little, she would NEVER EVER wear clothes, pulled her diapers off constantly, would rip pony tails out of her hair, and was impossible to potty train, constantly fighting with her sisters.  I needed that patience more than ever now!  Maggie started preschool in September after her 4th Birthday on February 20.  We didn't get very far into it when the teacher was complaining daily, Maggie won't listen, Maggie won't share, Maggie is screaming at us, Maggie is hitting staff.  I took her to the Pediatrician and he immediately said Sensory Processing Disorder.  I said "What?"  We went and had her evaluated with an Occupational Therapist, Physical Therapist and Speech Therapist.  They felt she only needed OT.  It was an hourly struggle with Maggie.  Her brain couldn't process her senses properly basically causing a traffic jam of signals to the brain.  The poor girl was in total chaos all the time.  I read books, researched on the web, changed her diet, but it did very little for her.  PATIENCE WHERE ARE YOU?  What?  I'm pregnant again?  Um, God, I asked for patience not another baby!  Thank God it was a boy!  Murdoch was born June, 2008.  Psst God, where is that patience?  We have struggled as a family through the past 4 years and added ADHD, General Anxiety Disorder, Impulse Control Disorder and even have an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis.  We have tried so many things and so many things are out there that could help, but insurance won't cover them because they are experimental and we would have been out on the street long ago had we tried to pay out of pocket.  In the mean time I learned you had to take things minute by minute with Maggie because her senses could change in a nanosecond.    I would hear from friends & family what a great Mom I was and how incredibly PATIENT I was.  I would say "Are you crazy?"!  I still felt on the edge, I was losing my mind.  My whole sense of self was out the window a long time ago.  God help me, I thought!  Then it hit me the other night as I was standing outside in the frigid winter cold watching it snow (yes I was hiding from the kids), He answered me the day Maggie was born!  God gave me Maggie and every bit of her quirks to show me that I had it all along.  He was saying "Hey Sandie, you already have the patience, you just have to dig down inside and find it!"  I didn't have a choice with Maggie.  Maggie couldn't stand for impatience, it would just set her off and make things worse.  It took me a while to figure this out, and I still lose it once in awhile, but I am a better and more patient mom because of Maggie! Annabelle & Lilly both also deal with some of the same sensory issues that Maggie does, just not to the same extreme & they both have ADHD. Patience is not an easy thing with 3 girls, especially 3 who all have disorders!  I guess some of those people are right, I am patient.  So I no longer ask God "Why would you trust me with a child with so many difficulties?"  I know why, I asked God for patience!