Dear Teacher....

I came across this email from almost 3 years ago, June of 2014. It was the letter I wrote to the teachers, staff & administrators at the therapeutic day school Maggie attended. It was sent to them after her last day of school there. She transitioned back into district in time for junior high. I was sobbing as I read it. I thought I should share it as a thank you to all educators, administrators and support staff because even if no one tells you, YOU make a difference! NEVER forget it! 💜 Thank you for all you do!

June, 2014

Dear S.E.A.L. Administrators, Teachers and Staff,

There is nothing we could build, write, buy or make for you that would ever show our appreciation for the impact you have made in the life of our Maggie!  This chapter may be coming to a close, but there are so many more chapters to come.  No matter how many adjectives we think of, there are not enough to describe or express the range of emotion and gratitude we are feeling. We can call every single one of you magnificent, fantastic, spectacular, grand, marvelous, outstanding, sensational, etc. and it does no justice for your abilities and dedication. A million “Thank You’s” would never cover it! Everyone in your school community had a part in Maggie’s triumph’s!

This was not a road we ever wanted to travel.  It was never a place we even considered we would be. What made this journey the hardest was the people that gave up on Maggie that brought us to you.  We had serious doubts about S.E.A.L.  No one really had anything positive or negative to say about what we were embarking on.  We came in very scared on this journey. What started as a bitter trip has brought us to a sweet, yet sad, curve on this journey.

Maggie came to you out of sync, scared, angry and ready for a fight.  This has been a 3½-year crusade that I can honestly, without a doubt say you won, she won and we won!  Do you realize you won?  Do you look at it that way?  You did!!  On so many levels!  You won her trust, you won her respect, you won her appreciation, and you won her love!  This VICTORY is yours and I felt you needed to know it!  You NEEDED to hear it!

We hope that you never doubt what you do!  We hope you realize what an impact you make in the lives of special needs children.  We hope you see the success that you are!  What you did for Maggie is nothing short of amazing; you helped her find confidence, compassion, patience and understanding.  You helped her find comfort in her ability to control herself and recognize her emotions and to express them. You taught her both academically and emotionally.  You taught her to communicate, to ignore and to tolerate. You taught her as a whole person, not her disability!  You taught us, also!  You gave her more than we ever expected.  You gave her a community to be a part of.  You gave her strength and hope!  You never doubted her ability!  YOU molded her success!!

As we continue to blaze this trail with Maggie, we hope you keep her in your thoughts. We have a long way to go, with twists and turns and ups and downs, but I pray that everything you have taught and given her will keep her moving forward. I’m so VERY scared for her and sometimes doubt my decision to move her, but I know you are all there to fall back on if we need you! For that security, I am so thankful!  

We know she/we will NEVER forget you.  You are all a part of her life story! How awesome is that?  Magnificent Maggie Takes on Junior High….  (to be continued)! 

Gratefully,

The Becker Family

Copyright January, 2017
Sandra Murdoch-Becker
mycommonsensicallife.blogspot.com

Be

Just trying,
wanting to be.
Can you silence the negativity?
For a moment?
Let me be?
Searching the infinite path
between the illusion and the cosmos
for my place...
so I can just be.

Breathing,
in...
out...
ridding myself of the unanswerable's.
Sitting in the early morning dark,
waiting for the rise,
listening for silence.
Trembling hands
grasping my coffee,
awestruck.
Peace in my Soul.
Chaos in my Mind.
Evolving.
Trying to release
the anxiety of this world.
Breaking through the conditioning,
the ignorance,
finding, making new choices.
Breathing it all in.
Letting my Soul
guide me through the new terrain.
Exploring,
discovering,
needing the divine.
Just
be.


Sandra M Becker
My Commonsensical Life
Copyright © 1/2017

2016 didn't suck....

I am grateful for every gift, every moment, every memory, every lesson I have been blessed with. I celebrate and treasure every joy, sadness, adventure, and tranquil occasion I have been able to experience. The good and the bad that I have encountered has shaped me. Mostly, I am beyond grateful for every soul I have met on this journey through life. Thank you for your light and love and the lessons you brought to me. ~smb 💖

I'm really surprised at the number of friends and family saying good riddance to 2016. Seriously, did all of it suck? Did the entire year deserve the label of 'Suckiest Year Ever'? I can't say that. I can say that parts of it sucked, most definitely, but doesn't every year have those moments? My 2016 was truly a year of transformation for me. As the realization hit that the kids are getting older and I was being used way too much by them, I knew changes had to occur. Time to evolve for this stay at home mom. I had to, for my own well being, take time for me. Find my self-worth that I hadn't even realized was missing. I had lost my center, my balance, my sanity, who I was at my core and didn't even realize it. I found solace under the sky in the clouds, stars, sun and moon, even in the winter. I was so focused on raising this house full of kids, dealing with diagnosis after diagnosis, chaos (theirs and mine), drama, school, IEP's, extra curricular activities, volunteering, therapies, research on a never ending basis, and then all the normal household crap that went with it. Up at 5, bed at midnight; my days were long and sleep, I convinced myself, was unnecessary. The apartment (drink) was a huge thorn in my side this year with too much to remodel, a new roof and gutters and empty, income-less apartments. Yet, even through that, I found opportunity for growth and the motivation to just take off with four kids through 10 states for over two weeks. It was an empowering, beautiful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything! I found my inner child that I buried trying too hard to be landlord, mom and wife. We visited family and friends, made memories and found so much awe and beauty throughout the trip that will last us a lifetime! We met strangers with hearts of gold, collected more rocks than I can count, irritated the hell out of each other, laughed until our stomaches hurt, stared at the night skies and reveled in the beauty of seeing stars in a completely darkened state. The sunsets while driving, the rise of a full moon against the backdrop of mountains and the numerous cloud formations and rain storms were unforgettable and drew so much emotion. Visiting Sedona and driving through the mountains was definitely one of my favorite parts and the perfect spot to distract myself from the fact that I just left my parents house (it's always traumatic for me to leave them). I found myself breathless, in tears, longing to stay forever among the glorious red mountains with a never-ending sky. I don't know why I thought a quick stop was going to be enough to take it all in. The drive through Utah along the Colorado River and through the Rockies to Glenwood Springs and eventually to the Denver area drew the same strong emotions. I could stay in the mountains forever. The driving aspect of this trip brought a lot of time to reflect on myself. It gave me a lot of time to rip apart the layers and examine what was in my depths. All the stuff I tend to push back and ignore.

I realized, that on my journey, I tend to draw the right people into my path. The timing may not always seem to be right, but there is always a reason or a lesson or a new/rekindled friendship to be found. I have become much more conscious this year of the little things. Of the things I have always taken for granted. Gratitude became a huge part of my life. Gratitude of all those little things and big things!  I decided to take the compliments of others a little more to heart instead of brushing them off as if they were crazy and didn't see who I really was. I began enjoying the moments as they happened instead of stressing over what still needed to be done. I began to love who I was instead of searching and trying for societal perfection. Perfection, after all, is only one's perception. I embraced my weirdness (more so than I already did) as my uniqueness. I quit giving credit to the insults, whether they were my own or from others. I let go of a huge part of myself that I never should have been holding onto. I got angry, I got mad, I held onto some hate that I shouldn't have. I was hurt and hurt others in return, but in the end I had to forgive myself and them because we only ever have this moment and to spend any amount of time in negativity is counterproductive of our purpose! I chose to spread as much kindness as I could and found the happiness within myself that I so desperately needed. I found beauty in my flaws that led me on the path of self love. I finally realized, 45 years too late, that it isn't up to me to make others happy, nor would I ever accomplish that.  Happiness is a choice, your own choice! I discovered the only person I truly needed was myself. We can only love another as deeply as we love ourselves...so I did a ton of self-loving! I've worked hard this year spreading love in any possible way I could, although I didn't always succeed. But, that's the beauty of awakening to a new day...you get to try again. There is no perfection here, I never wanted there to be. I just wanted to be the real me.

I for one am wrapping up 2016 with a pretty little bow and placing it on the shelf as a huge accomplishment, a trophy of sorts. Overall, I found it to be a beautiful year. I know we all felt loss this year in a big way with the deaths of many music, actor/actress and literary icons. We had personal loss of family and friends. They all were emotional and heartbreaking losses. I tend to look at it this way though...they left behind a legacy of beautiful music, movies, books and memories. Through the experiences we will hold close what each one meant to us and most of us will share that with generations to come. These souls are still close by because we valued them so much. They will impact many lives, and those not yet born.

I already began unwrapping 2017 and decided to embark on expanding my purpose beyond being the lady in the brick house on Raynor Avenue with all those kids. I accepted a part time job and will start school full time and in the process, will more than likely lose the rest of my mind and that's okay. I will work my way through it as I always do. I plan to find the magic, beauty and love in everything I can. I plan to follow my dreams, accomplish my goals and triumph over my self-doubt. I plan to have fun in the madness, chaos and crazy dynamic that is my kids. I plan to stay excited and continue adventuring (even if it's just at the grocery store). I plan to continue dancing and singing (even though Maggie reminds me constantly that I don't sing in tune). I plan to continue finding some time for silence and keep my soul free from the confines I tend to place on it. I plan to go freaking SHINE and AMAZE myself!  I HOPE and WISH all of you do the same!

Have a Happy, Prosperous, Beautiful full of Magic & Love 2017!
💋

Copyright December, 2017 ©

Sacred Ground #istandwithstandingrock

These were my thoughts in 1994 at the age of 23. At 45 I think about the damage that has been done in the last 22 years. I pulled this out of a notebook to type it up and the only thing that kept going through my brain was how we are so much worse off. In 22 years we couldn't have done better? If I felt this way when I was 23...what do I think now? I have been crying for days at the videos and stories being posted regarding Standing Rock. I am so sad and heartbroken for the Native people. I am proud of the protectors. I Stand with Standing Rock! I am ashamed of this countries supposed leaders and law enforcement.

I found myself...

I found myself in the morning glow of the sunrise
and in the vibrant colors of the sunset.

I found myself in the new day
and in the onset of night.

I found myself in the wonders of the moon
and in the wishes on shooting stars.

I found myself on the highest mountain
and in the lowest valley.

I found myself in the darkest storms
and in the gentlest rains.

I found myself in the depths of the universe
and in the surface of the earth.

I found myself in the pounding ocean waves

and in the calm of a pond.

I found myself in the thickest mud
and in the softest grass.

I found myself in the murkiest of waters
and in the clearest skies. 

I found myself in the blackest night
and in the sunniest day.

I found myself in the ugliness of the world
and in the beauty of nature.

I found myself in my most negative thoughts
and in my happiest moments.

I found myself in anger
and in kindness.

I found myself in the fights
and in the apologies.

I found myself in the most chaotic situations
and in the calmest corners.

I found myself in insults
and in compliments.

I found myself in failure
and in success.

I found myself in arguments
and in silence.

I found myself in the memories of the deceased
and in the words of the living.

I found myself in broken promises
and in dreams.

I found myself in the music
and in the lyrics.

I found myself in my sadness
and in my happiness.

I found myself in my wanderings
and in my stillness.

I found myself in hatred
and in love.

I found myself nowhere
and everywhere.

I found myself in my soul...
        not in your perception.


Sandra Murdoch-Becker
Copyright © 2016 All Rights Reserved

I Can...

I wish I could turn my kids brains off for one moment. Stop the constant motion of their thoughts so they could only feel from their heart and soul. So they could truly see themselves from a different realm. Not the eyes of others but their own mind's eye. I want them to realize that who they once were, before technology, society and conforming took over their brains IS exactly who they truly are. The fun, confident, loving, caring and compassionate beings that existed when they were small is buried in their depths and only they can bring themselves back. They are in a constant place of worry and anxiety over what their peers say about them, what their teachers and coaches think about them and school in general. They once had an immense power in their confidence which brought them success in all of their talents and it saddens me to see them struggling in areas they shouldn't even be concerned with as children and young adults. No matter how much I try and guide them and inspire them, it's ultimately up to them to break the illusions and make the changes. It doesn't help that they're so damn stubborn and closed-minded. They are always right and Mom is wrong. I miss their magic, imagination and determination that once filled our days. I'm sad to constantly hear, "I can't..." instead of "I can...". My hope is that somewhere along their path they can be mindful, at peace and find the love of life they possessed when they were small...that they find their, "I CAN..." again!