Motherhood

Motherhood is the most thankless, selfless, yet purposeful job in existence. At any given time you are smiling, crying, laughing, frowning, drowning, hiding, screaming, whispering, overwhelmed, underprepared, overtired, failing and on the brink of insanity. You feel worthless and broken, sure you've ruined it all. Positive you have not given anything worth a fucking damn to those tiny humans that grew way too freaking fast! Positive that everything was for naught. Positive they can't survive out there because your love wasn't enough. That what you had to work with, wasn't enough. That they are harboring a deep seated hate for all your imperfections you tried so fucking hard not to show (especially your use of the F-bomb). Your anger and frustrations and lack of patience and inability to hold on just 10 more minutes until they were in bed or because you just didn't walk away soon enough. Because you lost it way too many times. Because you really are bat-shit-crazy and because you really are just human and not the superhero they needed you to be. Because you forgot the permission slip, again. Because you forgot to wash their favorite jeans, again. Because you forgot it was red, purple, yellow or sea-foam green or whatever freaking color day at school and didn't buy them something to wear, again. You forgot a thousand times and then you forgot again. As my good friend Stephanie would say, you can’t get your self-worth from this job. No words have ever rung truer. At the end of the day, you have to look at what you did do, not what you didn’t do. You gave them life and hope and love. You gave them faith and dreams. You gave them safety and a home. You gave them lullabies and thousands of good night kisses. You gave them piggy-back rides and pushed them on the swing. You played in the sand with them, splashed in puddles and made mud pies. You played hopscotch 8,367 times in a row and watched Lion King four times a day for two years straight.
 You fed them (yes, tater tots count), clothed them (although not always in clean clothes), bathed them, snuggled them, kissed away the pain, and always, always loved them. You drove them here and there and everywhere. You encouraged them to be fearless, to do their best, to be real, to be proud, to be confident, to believe in themselves and to believe in goodness. You taught them

My brood 💙

compassion, respect and kindness. You pushed them to excel at their hobbies and talents. You stayed up countless nights when they were sick, you carried them back to bed, you dried their tears, you comforted them after a bad dream, let them take over your bed or slept with them in theirs. You listened to their excitement over something you really didn’t give a crap about. You taught them to turn up the music and dance, sing and laugh. You took them adventuring and didn't lose them (well, maybe for a few minutes). You taught them to be brave, smart, strong, and resilient. You let them live to see another day. Now what was it that you didn’t get right? The next time you are having an emotionally charged motherhood breakdown, remember…

You gave them every freaking bit of yourself! Everything!

You rock!

You are a star!

Sandra Murdoch-Becker, Copyright May 10, 2017 ©️

2016 didn't suck....

I am grateful for every gift, every moment, every memory, every lesson I have been blessed with. I celebrate and treasure every joy, sadness, adventure, and tranquil occasion I have been able to experience. The good and the bad that I have encountered has shaped me. Mostly, I am beyond grateful for every soul I have met on this journey through life. Thank you for your light and love and the lessons you brought to me. ~smb 💖

I'm really surprised at the number of friends and family saying good riddance to 2016. Seriously, did all of it suck? Did the entire year deserve the label of 'Suckiest Year Ever'? I can't say that. I can say that parts of it sucked, most definitely, but doesn't every year have those moments? My 2016 was truly a year of transformation for me. As the realization hit that the kids are getting older and I was being used way too much by them, I knew changes had to occur. Time to evolve for this stay at home mom. I had to, for my own well being, take time for me. Find my self-worth that I hadn't even realized was missing. I had lost my center, my balance, my sanity, who I was at my core and didn't even realize it. I found solace under the sky in the clouds, stars, sun and moon, even in the winter. I was so focused on raising this house full of kids, dealing with diagnosis after diagnosis, chaos (theirs and mine), drama, school, IEP's, extra curricular activities, volunteering, therapies, research on a never ending basis, and then all the normal household crap that went with it. Up at 5, bed at midnight; my days were long and sleep, I convinced myself, was unnecessary. The apartment (drink) was a huge thorn in my side this year with too much to remodel, a new roof and gutters and empty, income-less apartments. Yet, even through that, I found opportunity for growth and the motivation to just take off with four kids through 10 states for over two weeks. It was an empowering, beautiful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything! I found my inner child that I buried trying too hard to be landlord, mom and wife. We visited family and friends, made memories and found so much awe and beauty throughout the trip that will last us a lifetime! We met strangers with hearts of gold, collected more rocks than I can count, irritated the hell out of each other, laughed until our stomaches hurt, stared at the night skies and reveled in the beauty of seeing stars in a completely darkened state. The sunsets while driving, the rise of a full moon against the backdrop of mountains and the numerous cloud formations and rain storms were unforgettable and drew so much emotion. Visiting Sedona and driving through the mountains was definitely one of my favorite parts and the perfect spot to distract myself from the fact that I just left my parents house (it's always traumatic for me to leave them). I found myself breathless, in tears, longing to stay forever among the glorious red mountains with a never-ending sky. I don't know why I thought a quick stop was going to be enough to take it all in. The drive through Utah along the Colorado River and through the Rockies to Glenwood Springs and eventually to the Denver area drew the same strong emotions. I could stay in the mountains forever. The driving aspect of this trip brought a lot of time to reflect on myself. It gave me a lot of time to rip apart the layers and examine what was in my depths. All the stuff I tend to push back and ignore.

I realized, that on my journey, I tend to draw the right people into my path. The timing may not always seem to be right, but there is always a reason or a lesson or a new/rekindled friendship to be found. I have become much more conscious this year of the little things. Of the things I have always taken for granted. Gratitude became a huge part of my life. Gratitude of all those little things and big things!  I decided to take the compliments of others a little more to heart instead of brushing them off as if they were crazy and didn't see who I really was. I began enjoying the moments as they happened instead of stressing over what still needed to be done. I began to love who I was instead of searching and trying for societal perfection. Perfection, after all, is only one's perception. I embraced my weirdness (more so than I already did) as my uniqueness. I quit giving credit to the insults, whether they were my own or from others. I let go of a huge part of myself that I never should have been holding onto. I got angry, I got mad, I held onto some hate that I shouldn't have. I was hurt and hurt others in return, but in the end I had to forgive myself and them because we only ever have this moment and to spend any amount of time in negativity is counterproductive of our purpose! I chose to spread as much kindness as I could and found the happiness within myself that I so desperately needed. I found beauty in my flaws that led me on the path of self love. I finally realized, 45 years too late, that it isn't up to me to make others happy, nor would I ever accomplish that.  Happiness is a choice, your own choice! I discovered the only person I truly needed was myself. We can only love another as deeply as we love ourselves...so I did a ton of self-loving! I've worked hard this year spreading love in any possible way I could, although I didn't always succeed. But, that's the beauty of awakening to a new day...you get to try again. There is no perfection here, I never wanted there to be. I just wanted to be the real me.

I for one am wrapping up 2016 with a pretty little bow and placing it on the shelf as a huge accomplishment, a trophy of sorts. Overall, I found it to be a beautiful year. I know we all felt loss this year in a big way with the deaths of many music, actor/actress and literary icons. We had personal loss of family and friends. They all were emotional and heartbreaking losses. I tend to look at it this way though...they left behind a legacy of beautiful music, movies, books and memories. Through the experiences we will hold close what each one meant to us and most of us will share that with generations to come. These souls are still close by because we valued them so much. They will impact many lives, and those not yet born.

I already began unwrapping 2017 and decided to embark on expanding my purpose beyond being the lady in the brick house on Raynor Avenue with all those kids. I accepted a part time job and will start school full time and in the process, will more than likely lose the rest of my mind and that's okay. I will work my way through it as I always do. I plan to find the magic, beauty and love in everything I can. I plan to follow my dreams, accomplish my goals and triumph over my self-doubt. I plan to have fun in the madness, chaos and crazy dynamic that is my kids. I plan to stay excited and continue adventuring (even if it's just at the grocery store). I plan to continue dancing and singing (even though Maggie reminds me constantly that I don't sing in tune). I plan to continue finding some time for silence and keep my soul free from the confines I tend to place on it. I plan to go freaking SHINE and AMAZE myself!  I HOPE and WISH all of you do the same!

Have a Happy, Prosperous, Beautiful full of Magic & Love 2017!
💋

Copyright December, 2017 ©

More than she knows....

If only for a moment our children could see how we see them, how others see them....they would feel, see and accomplish miraculous things, their fears would become non-existant!

Staring through the rain,

Annabelle Becker sees sunshine,

where others can only imagine darkness.

She dreams of powerful music

to ease her through life's open doors,

As she rides a carousel elephant,

among the star showers in her head.

She dreams of bigger places

than her hometown,

She knows not what takes her there,

just that she doesn't stay here.

There's something out there,

in the shadows of her path,

She's destined to discover.

Annabelle can fly beyond

the worlds vision

Painting or playing...

   -the unseen

   -the unheard

   -the unimaginable

She's the girl in the mirror,

The confident reflection,

of her own perfection.

The one every girl secretly

wants to be like.

Her wings have broken the cocoon.

She's the girl that doesn't know

her own value,

The one that will inspire and amaze this world

with her talent,

If she'll just stop, close her eyes

and see! 

Sandra Murdoch-Becker

Copyright October 8, 2015 

Farewell to Bri

fare·well

ˌferˈwel/

exclamation

exclamation: farewell

1.

used to express good wishes on parting.

(NOT Goodbye)

"Some people live more in twenty years than others do in Eighty. It's not the time that matters but the PERSON."
                         ~ The Doctor


     I scribbled a thousand thoughts on paper, rearranged them, crossed them out and wrote more...none of them were adequate. There are not enough adjectives in the languages of the world, not enough musical notes, song lyrics, church hymns, or Dr. Who Quotes to appropriately describe Brianna Lynn.

     Brianna IS a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, girlfriend, friend, a child of God....even in death this remains. Her love, our love does not waiver.  She exists for all of us, forever....that bright beautiful soul is here, always.  The truest form of Brianna never dies.  Let her bring you peace.  She will blow your tears dry.  She will listen when you call. She will touch you gently when you need it.  She will be your protector.  She will give you courage. Feel it?  BELIEVE, have FAITH! She is forever the light in our darkness.  Our souls are pure energy. Energy has no beginning and no end. It can never be destroyed. It just changes form. She is all the stars in the sky, the lightening in the storm, the moon peaking through the clouds, the beauty of a rainbow, the dancing of a butterfly in flight, and the sunshine when you need it most.

     Brianna was excellent at keeping us on our toes - high alert status!  She carried that stubbornness with grace! Always ready for the fight, always getting her way. However, she would turn in a heartbeat and give anything you needed...the shirt from her back, the shoes from her feet, a much needed hug and OH, that smile or the one raised brow smirk! She was fun, artsy, goofy and loved to laugh. She was kindness; she was beauty in every sense of the word - but especially from the heart! She loved fiercely...her friends, her animals, her man, her family!

     But...God had a plan - it wasn't ours. No preparation...we deny, we get angry, we mourn, we regret, we question with the "What if's?". We wonder with the "I should have's?". We know though...none of it would have changed anything. Now we have moments of her life to keep us company, to keep her close. Pictures on paper, memories in the mind...we can hear her laughter, her tears, her joy, her anger, her voice; we can feel her love. That will never fade.  I am comforted by the last memory I have of Bri. I can stand at my kitchen window, whenever I want, I can look into my backyard and I can see her sitting with Jason, holding hands, smiling.  I will have that forever. She may have left this world, but know that she left us happy! These moments in her life, that are a part of our lives, is what we will cherish, hold dearest in our hearts, in the depths of our Souls. Then, when our time is here, we will have that reunion, a new moment with Brianna in heavenly eternity (where she is more than likely running the show)!

"Realize deeply, that the present moment is all you ever have!" ~ Eckhart Tolle 

 

Thirteen

I wrote this 4 years ago when Annabelle was graduating from 8th grade. Never typed it out.  I found it today folded up, scribbled on wide rule lined paper shoved in a box. As she finishes her last day of High School today, it couldn't have been a stronger sign telling me to put it out there....

She's thirteen going on twenty,

Doesn't have a need for her Mother.

She thinks she's in control.

Got it all covered now,

Boys, friends, school...

She knows it all.

My Baby isn't a baby any more,

She's heading for the stars,

Zooming beyond the moon,

Breaking her Mother's heart,

But making her so proud.

She's dancing through life

on a silver lined cloud.

Social butterfly, wings spread wide,

Artist, musician, athlete.

Running every direction...

Totally cool (unlike me)! 

Moving at the speed of light.

No time to look back.

Dominating this game called life.

In a camera's flash...

Leaving behind stories and memories

in her dust.

Searching....

         


          As a parent with a house full of kids, I often wonder what the heck I am doing!  Really.  I do. I have to literally stop in my tracks and realize that my frustration is adding to the kids frustration, that is in turn just totally ticking me off and making everything worse. So, I'm searching...for joy and happiness and love and laughter, now, in all the simple moments.  I am trying to make every effort possible to remove the negative, the frustration, the anger and just find the happy.  See, if I'm happy, the kids are happy.  There is way too much worry and intensity is this little, overcrowded, chaotic house of ours.  We need more laughter! Search for, find and remember the fun! Hysterical laughter helps too!

Charity

Sometimes we are the receiver.  Sometimes we are the giver.  Either way, it brings happiness, joy and love!

           The definition of charitable or charity do not really need explanation.  The thing that needs explaining is how the needs of others should NEVER be questioned or judged.  What one is in need of may seem unnecessary to you or I, but it isn't our need.  If you don't feel a giving heart for that cause, then don't give.  It is not ours to say if someone else should give. It is that simple. We all have our own causes and our own need.  Be passionate about yours, don't bring judgement to another.  The power of social media has given us all an opportunity to spread good will in our community and across the globe.  Take advantage of it! Giving a dollar or even a benevolent smile can change the world, don't think for a second that it doesn't make a difference. It does! It gives opportunity and encouragement where there was none. 

           Don't be ashamed of charity offered to you or having to ask for it.  That is what we are all here for. To give and to receive. It's a fairly simple, commonsensical concept. Get it out of your head that you're too good to receive it, just be grateful for the blessing. Get it out of your head that you don't need to give, it hardens the heart. Being stubborn or greedy will get you nowhere in life.

"When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is BLESSED." 

~ Maya Angelou ~