LIFE

Self Doubt

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, staring at my FASFA email and clicking ignore on my phone from the online admissions office wondering what the hell I think I'm doing. How can I possibly believe I can accomplish a full time program (even online), take care of kids, a house, an apartment, volunteer, take on another student loan and still breathe. I haven't been in a classroom since 1997. I was working full time, carrying a part time class load, pregnant, no kids at home, I was nineteen years younger and I couldn't handle it. I never went back and I only had one kid. Now I have four at home. One with special needs and an attitude, one who knows it all and has an attitude, one sick with lyme (who doesn't want to take care of herself) and has an attitude and the youngest one who is always bored, needs help, is hungry and has an attitude. I'm just a Mom. Does my brain even have the capacity and focus to absorb a whole new world of knowledge? Do I have the ability to organize and schedule the time to do this? Will I be able to selfishly put my needs above their chaotic, dramatic, trivial BS (because I will, of course, always be there for the big, important stuff)? So, in a house full of chaos...how the frick am I going to do this?

Breathe! 
What would I tell my kids?

You got this!
You're smart!
It'll be a breeze!
You will figure out a way, you always do!
You rock!
Get out your calendar and write out your week.
Stay positive!
Take a moment and find your center, rebalance!
Turn on some music.
Prioritize.
Go have a good cry and get back to it!
It doesn't matter if you fail. It only matters if you've tried your best.
I believe in you!
I'm proud of you!
You're the brightest star out there. Now go freaking shine!💫

It's easy to encourage your kids, you truly believe in them and their abilities...convincing myself that my self doubt is unjustified is a much deeper struggle.
Here goes nothing! 💜

Regrets

Laid down a loved one
into a grave 6 feet deep,
Only to be kept company by
cold dark earth;
while the beauty of nature resides
above, in a world undeserving of her.
Regrets of words unspoken,
lost within a selfish mind.
Speaking to his soul
in the calm sky.
Cries of sorrow, visions
of lost memories, simple things
that now mean much more.
Living trapped in a hole
deep in mind and heart.
Haunting forever,
with feelings of guilt.
Words never spoken
wanting back time
to live a moment, lost
That should have occurred
with his soul, while human.




Sandra Murdoch-Becker
Copyright © 2016
All Rights Reserved 

For the Love of an Addict

To love an addict is the most emotionally draining relationship to carry.
Do you know one?
A family member, friend, spouse, or a co-worker?
Are you one?
What's your part in the relationship?
Maybe your lucky enough to be an audience member. 
Fortunate, you only have to sit and pass your judgement on the act playing out in your distant vision.
Maybe you're the dealer or the drink provider, the devil himself.
Maybe you are simply the enabler who thinks they are helping, supporting.

The biggest question I ask myself multiple times a day is, "Am I enabling or supporting?".
I often wonder if they are one in the same.
Is it possible to even be supportive without enabling?
Everyone's perspective of it is different.
What one views as being supportive can be viewed by another as being the enabler, and so the opposite also holds true.
It's definitely a Catch 22.
It's been a life long controversy in my head.
I've never put it on paper, never talked about it with another human, and never asked about it.
Just sat and argued with myself in the corners of my day and cried.
I've been lectured about it, but never asked how I feel about it or how I've lived with it.

I've carried on many conversations with the rising sun and the night sky about it.
Their beauty never gave me answers but always lifted my soul for a moment or two.
It got me through many days.
The thought of my loved ones always in the back of my head.
Often wondering how did they even get here?
How do they not love themselves enough when they obviously have so many that love them?
I never understood it.
How could I? I'm not an addict. I'm the enabler. The supporter. The comforter.
The one who doesn't get it.
The one sitting on the outside.

It's a burden to love, just as the addiction is a burden.
I wasted so much time trying to understand their choices.
Trying to be in their heads.
I never even had the urge to try any of it, how could I understand it?
So much energy wasted on the wondering and the what if's!
It is heartbreaking to know they don't love....couldn't love themselves enough to quit.
Their lives incomplete without it.
Like the need for a cup of coffee or a good book.
The need for their poison more important than anything or anyone in the physical world.
Maybe they were just waiting for death to come knocking.
Trust me, I'm not judging. Just thinking it through.
Still wasting time on wondering.



It hurts on this side (in case you wondered).
I've been raging mad, brought to my knees with sadness and cried tears that didn't matter.
I've spend much time in exhaustive worry.
Scared of the worst images my mind could conjure.
Overwhelmed with feelings one should not have to feel.
Conquered by the fear.
There is no winning here.
People just don't talk about it.

So, we've warned our children.
It's a dominant force in our lives.
They all know it's there and it's a risk to make this choice.
It could engulf them.
Or, as it was with me, it may not be appealing.
I pray this to be true.
I pray for them eternally that they won't know.
That they won't be the addict.
That they won't have to know the duties of the supportive enabler.

I've watched addiction. I've watched recovery. They are both a fight that never ends.

Dance the Dance

The world is going to throw us situations that hurt us, anger us and sometimes knock us down. It's all in how we choose to dance the dance that makes the difference in how it affects us. Sometimes we can just feel it and let it go.  Sometimes we feel it and hold on for a bit.  Sometimes the dance is insanely long, drawn out and makes us hate the dance. The hate turns to resentment, bitterness and hardening of the heart. I've been here too many times to count. Too many times to waste my time trying to recall after all the time wasted in that state. It's a long trip back to loving the dance.

Right now, in this moment, I'm sad and just trying to dance through it with forgiveness. I'm trying really hard to dance this one with dignity and grace! I want the frustration to dissolve; my sense of calm to return. Unfortunately, I'm not dancing this one alone and we're all trying to stay in sync while dancing to a different tune. Each has his own steps to complete before the music ends and it's looking more like a mosh pit here than a ballet.  Although mosh pits can be an adventure, I'm getting a little old for the chaos involved. Ahhh, but the chaos brings change, so bring on the mosh pit!

 

We'll dance the dance and be better parents, a better family because of it. I hope the others involved will see this. Next time we will dance with more compassion and understanding. I hope that everyone learns from it. I've never claimed to be perfect and never will. I have plenty of faults and mistakes that I have to dance through. I have learned however, that if I allow situations to exist without speaking up, the behaviors are reinforced. Not just by the originator of the circumstance, but by those that observed it.

 

So, dance the dance and do it with a smile, a sense of peace, forgiveness, thankfulness and love! 

More than she knows....

If only for a moment our children could see how we see them, how others see them....they would feel, see and accomplish miraculous things, their fears would become non-existant!

Staring through the rain,

Annabelle Becker sees sunshine,

where others can only imagine darkness.

She dreams of powerful music

to ease her through life's open doors,

As she rides a carousel elephant,

among the star showers in her head.

She dreams of bigger places

than her hometown,

She knows not what takes her there,

just that she doesn't stay here.

There's something out there,

in the shadows of her path,

She's destined to discover.

Annabelle can fly beyond

the worlds vision

Painting or playing...

   -the unseen

   -the unheard

   -the unimaginable

She's the girl in the mirror,

The confident reflection,

of her own perfection.

The one every girl secretly

wants to be like.

Her wings have broken the cocoon.

She's the girl that doesn't know

her own value,

The one that will inspire and amaze this world

with her talent,

If she'll just stop, close her eyes

and see! 

Sandra Murdoch-Becker

Copyright October 8, 2015 

Summer's Gone

Summer vacation here & gone

   not enough time...

      for layin' in the sun,

         watching clouds breeze by,

             or chasin' fire flies.

Another school year crept up too fast.

My kids,
growing and moving at the speed of light.
My eyes & brain unable to fathom
their yearly transformations.

They're excited, nervous, anxious

moving up a grade, new school, college bound.

Yet, if they only knew

that I feel the same...

for them, not me, as they face the new year.

Tears well up in my eyes as they start this yearly journey

   new friends, old friends, maybe an enemy

      teachers and classes, some they love, some not so much.

Homework, quizzes & tests, papers & projects.

Hopeful they'll cope, scared they'll choke.

Pacing and waiting for their day to end...

"How did it go?"

"Did you ace your test?"

My worry usually proven unnecessary

    but occasionally perfectly warranted.

I will stress away the year,

     things will end exactly as they should.

Everyone will have grown,

       I will have aged, too much.

Next thing you know another summer break,

    around the corner.

The process inevitable!

Farewell to Bri

fare·well

ˌferˈwel/

exclamation

exclamation: farewell

1.

used to express good wishes on parting.

(NOT Goodbye)

"Some people live more in twenty years than others do in Eighty. It's not the time that matters but the PERSON."
                         ~ The Doctor


     I scribbled a thousand thoughts on paper, rearranged them, crossed them out and wrote more...none of them were adequate. There are not enough adjectives in the languages of the world, not enough musical notes, song lyrics, church hymns, or Dr. Who Quotes to appropriately describe Brianna Lynn.

     Brianna IS a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, girlfriend, friend, a child of God....even in death this remains. Her love, our love does not waiver.  She exists for all of us, forever....that bright beautiful soul is here, always.  The truest form of Brianna never dies.  Let her bring you peace.  She will blow your tears dry.  She will listen when you call. She will touch you gently when you need it.  She will be your protector.  She will give you courage. Feel it?  BELIEVE, have FAITH! She is forever the light in our darkness.  Our souls are pure energy. Energy has no beginning and no end. It can never be destroyed. It just changes form. She is all the stars in the sky, the lightening in the storm, the moon peaking through the clouds, the beauty of a rainbow, the dancing of a butterfly in flight, and the sunshine when you need it most.

     Brianna was excellent at keeping us on our toes - high alert status!  She carried that stubbornness with grace! Always ready for the fight, always getting her way. However, she would turn in a heartbeat and give anything you needed...the shirt from her back, the shoes from her feet, a much needed hug and OH, that smile or the one raised brow smirk! She was fun, artsy, goofy and loved to laugh. She was kindness; she was beauty in every sense of the word - but especially from the heart! She loved fiercely...her friends, her animals, her man, her family!

     But...God had a plan - it wasn't ours. No preparation...we deny, we get angry, we mourn, we regret, we question with the "What if's?". We wonder with the "I should have's?". We know though...none of it would have changed anything. Now we have moments of her life to keep us company, to keep her close. Pictures on paper, memories in the mind...we can hear her laughter, her tears, her joy, her anger, her voice; we can feel her love. That will never fade.  I am comforted by the last memory I have of Bri. I can stand at my kitchen window, whenever I want, I can look into my backyard and I can see her sitting with Jason, holding hands, smiling.  I will have that forever. She may have left this world, but know that she left us happy! These moments in her life, that are a part of our lives, is what we will cherish, hold dearest in our hearts, in the depths of our Souls. Then, when our time is here, we will have that reunion, a new moment with Brianna in heavenly eternity (where she is more than likely running the show)!

"Realize deeply, that the present moment is all you ever have!" ~ Eckhart Tolle 

 

Thirteen

I wrote this 4 years ago when Annabelle was graduating from 8th grade. Never typed it out.  I found it today folded up, scribbled on wide rule lined paper shoved in a box. As she finishes her last day of High School today, it couldn't have been a stronger sign telling me to put it out there....

She's thirteen going on twenty,

Doesn't have a need for her Mother.

She thinks she's in control.

Got it all covered now,

Boys, friends, school...

She knows it all.

My Baby isn't a baby any more,

She's heading for the stars,

Zooming beyond the moon,

Breaking her Mother's heart,

But making her so proud.

She's dancing through life

on a silver lined cloud.

Social butterfly, wings spread wide,

Artist, musician, athlete.

Running every direction...

Totally cool (unlike me)! 

Moving at the speed of light.

No time to look back.

Dominating this game called life.

In a camera's flash...

Leaving behind stories and memories

in her dust.

Searching....

         


          As a parent with a house full of kids, I often wonder what the heck I am doing!  Really.  I do. I have to literally stop in my tracks and realize that my frustration is adding to the kids frustration, that is in turn just totally ticking me off and making everything worse. So, I'm searching...for joy and happiness and love and laughter, now, in all the simple moments.  I am trying to make every effort possible to remove the negative, the frustration, the anger and just find the happy.  See, if I'm happy, the kids are happy.  There is way too much worry and intensity is this little, overcrowded, chaotic house of ours.  We need more laughter! Search for, find and remember the fun! Hysterical laughter helps too!

Charity

Sometimes we are the receiver.  Sometimes we are the giver.  Either way, it brings happiness, joy and love!

           The definition of charitable or charity do not really need explanation.  The thing that needs explaining is how the needs of others should NEVER be questioned or judged.  What one is in need of may seem unnecessary to you or I, but it isn't our need.  If you don't feel a giving heart for that cause, then don't give.  It is not ours to say if someone else should give. It is that simple. We all have our own causes and our own need.  Be passionate about yours, don't bring judgement to another.  The power of social media has given us all an opportunity to spread good will in our community and across the globe.  Take advantage of it! Giving a dollar or even a benevolent smile can change the world, don't think for a second that it doesn't make a difference. It does! It gives opportunity and encouragement where there was none. 

           Don't be ashamed of charity offered to you or having to ask for it.  That is what we are all here for. To give and to receive. It's a fairly simple, commonsensical concept. Get it out of your head that you're too good to receive it, just be grateful for the blessing. Get it out of your head that you don't need to give, it hardens the heart. Being stubborn or greedy will get you nowhere in life.

"When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is BLESSED." 

~ Maya Angelou ~

The Optimist's Creed

The Optimist's Creed, originally published as Promise Yourself, was written in 1912 by Christian D. Larson, appearing in his book Your Forces and How to Use Them. Larson was an influential New Thought Leader. His Creed has been inspirational for many.

Read it.

Memorize it.

Live it.

Transform.

2015.....

From My Heart

I originally posted this on Facebook in 2011......

From My Heart

October 6, 2011 at 1:27pm

I have given you my all
     and every day I find more
     that I never knew was there.
I have taken you as far
     as our money will take you
     in the medical world.
I have tried to get you beyond the scope
     but "experimental" is out of reach,
     they don't see the NEED!
I have promised you, FOREVER, I will
    help you cope...
    and I will NEVER stop fighting!

You have come so far, my sweet child,
     Oh, if you could only see what I see.
You have succeeded beyond the experts expectations
      but you only feel failure within.
You have cried and begged for another brain,
      but you are so highly intelligent
      you don't realize where you can go!

I have watched countless tears
     I couldn't wipe away
     because you couldn't let me near.
I have missed an abundance of hugs
     because you couldn't be touched.
I have missed thousands of smiles
     because you didn't want to be looked at.
I have seen countless physically, scary meltdowns
      that have left me helpless and broken,
      scared for your life!

Then magically I see these days,
      the light emitting, total radiance,
      it's in your eyes, your smile, your laugh....You are home!

I know now, I can't fix you....
      there's no fixing to be done.
God dealt us this hand
      and he will provide.
We just have to follow the path
      that will take us there.
We will show the world, as God intended,
      that you are not broken.
First, I have to show you,
      Your worth,
        Your beauty,
          Your being,
            Your love,
             Your heart....
That SCREAMS....."I am here!"

Copyright © 2011
Sandra Becker

11 Years

        Eleven Years ago, daughter number three was born.  She wasn't an easy pregnancy by any means and she has proven to be quite the adventurous, stubborn, non-stop one through these eleven years.  She has had to endure much, as have we and her siblings.  Actually, everyone that has encountered her has had to endure her quirks, more difficult ones through a large part of her time here, than easy.

       As the past four months has flown bringing us to her Birthday, she has blossomed. (I actually hate that word, "blossomed".)  It seems to be that girly word that everyone uses. She has grown, progressed, matured, flourished, evolved, blossomed.... however you want to put it, she's getting it!!

      Things have calmed at home, school has become fantastic for her social/emotional well being, she started playing the harp, and she has quit refusing to do her homework and schoolwork. Being the pessimist that I am, I'm waiting for the bomb to go off.

      She no longer seems to hate her little brother (although she does still become agitated by his existence).  She doesn't stomp around slamming doors. She hasn't destroyed a room in at least a year.  She isn't fighting with us every minute of her awake time at home.  She feels accomplished and proud!  FINALLY!  She hasn't asked for a new brain in a quite some time or wished herself dead.  She is simply, HAPPY!  The only thing we ever hoped for, for her, is happiness!

      No more meds, psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists or behavior therapists.  It was like a switch was flipped.  Don't get me wrong, we don't have perfection. There will never be perfection. Perfection is highly overrated! Her long list of diagnosis' haven't gone away, but she has learned to cope and overcome.  She is conquering her demons and finding strength in her abilities.  She has found positivity in adversity.  She discovered self confidence!

       I couldn't be prouder of the young girl that our Maggie has become.  I can't wait to see what she will continue to accomplish and throw in our path's!  Through every mountain we've had to climb and hole we've had to dig out of there has always been hope and love!  Yes, a lot of tears and why's and wanting to give up.  Yet, we never stopped hoping, we never stopped loving. 

      Magnificent Maggie will be blazing a new trail in the next 6 months when she enters Junior High.  Back to district, new friends, new adventures and new goals to achieve!  I can't wait to see where this journey will lead.......

     

Memories of the Birthday that Wasn't

I wrote this 2 years ago on my 40th Birthday and have added a couple of things, but for the most part, it remains the memories of an 11 year old, heart broken girl on her birthday.  

          29 years ago on my 11th birthday I was awoken to the news of my Grandma Murdoch's passing.  As a child, I was torn on whether or not I should go to school.  I did after all have candy to pass out.  I decided to stay home and ate the candy myself.  I don't recall if I shared it with my 4 brothers.  More than likely not, since I don't have a memory of it.  I was quite angry that my Grandmother chose my day to die.  I couldn't imagine a more horrific reason to not want to celebrate my birthday ever again.  Not to mention that the days following would have NOTHING to do with me.  Quite a selfish little brat I was, huh?  I recall lots of relatives appearing, family friends stopping by, the planning of the wake/funeral and wanting so badly to be a part, yet keeping to myself.  I don't remember if there was a happy birthday sang or mom's famous chocolate sheet cake made.  How could she do this to me?  No more shopping trips or lunches out.  No more movies (she introduced me to Little Orphan Annie and E.T.) or trips to Marshall Fields to visit her while she worked. They had the BEST chocolate cookies. No more spending the night, Halloween visits, or Christmas Eve dinners.  No more Saturday evening masses sitting in the front pew or surprise visits to get me out of yard work that she felt the boys should be doing.  No more Birthday PRESENTS!  Well, apparently just one more!   Someone appeared with a box (not sure what day) that contained a pair of purple knickers and a long sleeved white and purple shirt from, where else, Marshall Fields!  She remembered (not sure if it really did come from her, but at the time it didn't matter)!  Had she ever let me down?  So it wasn't some great piece of heirloom jewelry (that didn't matter to an 11 year old), but I wore them with pride and confidence (and EVERYONE made fun of me)! Even after they had ripped and no longer fit I didn't want to let them go! It has not gotten easier to be without her these past 29 Birthdays. I still cry over her absence, my wedding especially hard.  I walked down the aisle carrying a white hankie that my Aunt Barb purchased. The note with it read "In memory of someone who thought you were pretty special." We were able to get married at Old St. Mary's Church in Mokena where she is buried next to my Grandfather.   We played Hail Mary, Gentle Woman during the wedding, a song from her funeral mass and placed flowers at her & Grandpa's grave.  I know she has been here with me through it all, I couldn't have asked for a better Guardian Angel than God has given me.  It took me some time to realize that her passing on my birthday was a gift and not a curse.  She has brought me through a lot and the memories of Grandma curled in her chair with an afghan, a pop, her rosary and prayer book can bring a smile to my face whenever I need one. The emptiness of her absence will never cease, but knowing she was strong and happy during her years here does help.  Her love is forever felt in my heart, especially today on my 40th Birthday!

The words I wrote as an 11 year old....

"Grandma." I say and I can't hear your voice or wipe away the pain.
I see you in my dreams,
I remember some days, good and bad,
When you were well and picked me up from school,
Or when you were sick, on a Sunday after church
We would come and visit you.
I will remember that day,
The sounds of everyones pain,
It hurt, It was my birthday.
You weren't there,
No celebrations I would have
There were more important things to tend to.
I felt privileged though, believe it or not,
But also, a little cheated
God chose a good day for you to die.
I cried, sometimes still do.
I remember your face
  and that purple dress that covered up your neck.
I said good-bye,
One last time.
I miss you Grandma,
But I'll see you one day
Up there in paradise and hopefully,
  you will look the same as I remember,
When I turned eleven,
On my Birthday,
The day God took you away!

This year would have been Grandma's 100th Birthday.

Copyright © 10/15/2011
Sandra Becker

My Parents

This was my Commemorative Speech from my college public speaking class. Some of it may be a "little" exaggerated, but for the most part it really hits on what life in the Murdoch household was like! 

Mom & Dad, every day should be Mother's & Father's day for the hell you have lived through having us kids! Love you both!

My Parents

My Parents!  Mom and Dad!  Who are they?  I am really not sure.  I have known them for 20 years and I still have not figured them out.  I watched them raise five kids, including myself, and am still watching them raise another.  I am really surprised they are still alive.  After all, we have put them through hell more than a dozen times and have given them plenty of opportunities to drop dead from a heart attack.  My parents have probably seen more stationary from schools than the schools knew they had.  They received notices for detentions, suspensions, progress reports, and letters from teachers.  So, they scolded us, cursed us, grounded us, starved us, took the car away from us and have even forbidden us to breathe.  Nothing worked.  Yet, they never gave us away.  They watched us terrorize their home, put holes in the walls; more holes than anyone could ever count, break each others bones, cut each others hair and on a good day they would sit back and watch the five of us in a pile screaming and punching, trying to hurt whoever got in the way.  Sometimes even drawing blood.  Yet, Mom and Dad, stood by us through everything.  They gave us money when we were broke and still do.  They were there through all our troubles,  boyfriends, girlfriends, our first encounter with alcohol, smoking, and drugs.  Through broken friendships, problems at school and even death.  They always had a word of advice, which of course, we never listened to.  Oh, by the way, no matter what my parents say they are not always right!  Sometimes I really wonder if they are even human at all!

Our parents brought us into this world and we all knew they could have taken us out of it!  I am the only girl out of five kids, and the only normal one!  I was not the worst of us kids, but I did my share of not so smart things.  I started the bathroom garbage on fire and I crashed the snowmobile into the neighbors house.  Fortunately, we can now sit back and laugh at the holes in the walls, the fire, the crash, and the time Rich threw Dave into the bathtub and busted the tile surround down. Yes, all of us lived through this!

Mom and Dad even took us on vacations, believe it or not!  Long drives in the station wagon with five kids fighting in the back.  We went on camping trips to a place called nowhere!  You know, "Where we going Dad?"  "Nowhere!  Now leave me alone!"  You never know what could happen on a trip like this, and if it could happen, it did.  Bee stings, poison ivy, scraped knee, raccoons stealing food out of the coolers, sunburns, stepping on a rock, the gutsy little fish nibbling on you while you were swimming, the boat overturning and so much more!  The soft-shell turtle that Dad thought was a log and scaring each other with fish heads!  Hard to believe they put up with us through all of this and still took us camping again!  Of course, we never thought us kids would come back from these trips alive!

We were always crying because of this or that; my new box of crayolas that melted all over the dash of the car, a broke toy, or because of a bump on the head.  There was always those stormy nights when we fit seven people in my parents bed and of course those agonizing screams from a bad dream or a monster under the bed!  Tears were shed for everything, big or little, as long as it made Mom and Dad miserable.  Talk about making them miserable, I must not forget the time our gerbil got out of the cage and made its way to our parents bed!  I won't get into details, but you can imagine what happened after that.  It all seams unreal that they never took us out back into the woods and shot every one of us!

They took care of us when we were sick, with only one complaint:  "Quit throwing up, I'm running out of towels."  We were always too scared to get up and run to the bathroom and even if we did, we never made it.  They were even there through the five of us having chicken pox!

You know those little phases that everyone goes through when they are growing up?  Well, my parents put up with those too.  One night after a long confidential meeting in their bedroom, Rich and Dave announced to Mom and Dad they were running away.  Mom bundled them up because it was the dead of winter, and sent them on their way.  Needless to say, it was dark and they came back in a hurry asking for a ride.  After minutes of begging and getting no where, they decided to stay until morning.  Mom said it was now or never.  So, life in the Murdoch house went on as always!

My parents have seen it all!  They are still here, hopefully to see a whole lot more.  I guess they'll always be raising us kids in their own little way.  Teaching us right from wrong and all of life's little mysteries.  One day they'll be sitting back laughing as we try to do the same with our kids.  They always said "Wait until you have kids, you'll see!"  Of course, we all swore our kids would be angels, unlike the terrors we were, and if they weren't then they would be spending an awful lot of time at Grandma & Grandpa's house!  Some day we will all learn exactly what they meant!

So the question remains;  Who are my parents?  I still haven't figured it out!  Superhuman?  Maybe not, but I do know that they are terrific parents that really love us a lot!

I should note, that after I got married they up and left for Arizona, something we were all pretty shocked by!  Our kids ARE all terrors and they really don't get to spend nearly enough time with Grammie & Papa!  :)  I'm sure they are having a good laugh at our expense!

Another Milestone....

            Tomorrow will mark the end of Lilly's fifth year at Eisenhower Academy.  They have a ceremony called Fifth Grade Farewell before they move on to Junior High.  Eisenhower has been an incredible experience for Lilly and has really helped her grow academically and as a person.  Lilly completed first through fifth grade on high honors, every quarter, all five years.  I am, we are, so incredibly proud of her!  As we celebrate this amazing milestone though, I am also completely broken!  Crying for Maggie!  That she will NEVER have this opportunity!  That I was not able to heal her to a point that she could accomplish this or that she could have the chance to even try!  So often, I feel like such a complete failure in everything I have tried for her!  I had to accept a long time ago, that even though her IQ is through the roof, that she probably was not going to be given the opportunities that Annabelle & Lilly have had.  It doesn't mean I don't fight every day to get her there!  It most definitely does not mean that it doesn't break my heart! Over and over, again!  As her Mother, it devastates me!  I watch those days of complete and total "normalcy" between Maggie, Lilly and Annabelle, where they are equal!  Where Maggie's brilliance shines through with her sisters!  I ask, why not every day?  What are we missing?  It is painstaking!  She has missed out on the academic cultivation that Eisenhower could have given her, going to the same school as her sisters, the incredible music program Dist 86 offers and the friendship of kids in the same area!  I feel there is so much more for her, like she is being held back when she should be excelling!  It exhausts me! As we search for a preschool that is a right fit for Murdoch, the same feelings hit.  I am so thankful that our other children don't have the same struggles that Maggie has, but I know I will feel the same as Murdoch begins hitting his milestones!  It will be a continuous vicious cycle.  As I sit in Eisenhower's Gym tomorrow, I will beam with pride and excitement for Lilly!  I will keep it about her, but I guarantee there will be tears of both joy, for Lilly, and sadness, for Maggie!


 

Anybody There?

This, by the way, is not meant in any way to make any of our friends feel bad.  It is merely meant for others to know they are not alone!  It may even bring some awareness to others.

I often times ponder what happened to all those awesome friendships we had before kids.  Well, really there was never a "before we had kids"!  Cam Jr. was there from day 1, he was 2 when Camron and I started dating.  Now, granted, he wasn't a 24/7 child for us, but he was just easy!  We could take him anywhere with us and he was happy.  Hanging out at the park, playing pool, going to friends, camping, fishing, canoeing, cooking out, it didn't matter.  He was a constant to our weekends.  We could take him to the car shows and boat shows, things like that.  Eventually though our friends just started to dropped off, some because their lives got busy with their own families.  Some because the older the kids got, the harder it was to go elsewhere and actually count on having a good time. It was actually pretty simple to take Annabelle & Lilly out of the house.  With a four year difference between them, Annabelle was self sufficient and pretty mature for the little 4 year old that she was.  There is a 9 year difference between Cam Jr. and Annabelle, so when he was with us, he actually was very helpful.  It wasn't until Lilly turned 1 and I found out I was pregnant that it became difficult.  Of course!  I was constantly fatigued, and maybe it just became habit, but I didn't want to go anywhere!  Maggie came along when Lilly was just 20 months old.  We really didn't have many difficulties with her early on, but it was just simply hard to get out of the house in an organized, non chaotic manner that didn't stress me out.  Most of our friends already had kids, most of them older than ours, and they had their routines.  It seemed we were always headed to someones, for something.  Eventually it got to the point that I was just declining the invites because it was difficult to get out.  We were NEVER on time, EVER!  The older Maggie got, the harder the hits.  People just didn't get that it would be so much easier for them to come to us.  We didn't know what was going on with her.  We just knew it was hard.  A kind of hard that made it grueling and exhausting just to think about it.  No one really understood!  I always felt I was under judgement.  I was actually told once that I made everything more difficult than I needed to.  Murdoch came along when Maggie was 5,  just 9 months into our discoveries of her alphabet soup of diagnosis'.  We tried to put the invites out for our friends to come here and it was always "But we have more room.  Come over here!"  The difficulties, especially with Maggie, grew more and more frustrating.  I can't tell you how many times I had to go off on my own to release the tears, recompose myself, and come back with a smile.  I cry now at the very thought of those days.  You couldn't take your eyes off of her.  There were times that I thought things were going well while we were out and I would relax a bit, but someone would always come back with "Maggie is...."  or we simply wouldn't be able to find her.  We didn't enjoy being out and the other kids had to suffer because of it.  I would be naive to say it didn't affect them.  I know that it still does.  It's not like I can just pack them up and run out with them on my own.  They feed off each other way too much, then everyone is frustrated, angry or crying.  You can't take them into a store or to the mall.  It is either take one of them or leave them all.  The only places we go together now is to gatherings at relatives and to church.  Thank God church is only an hour long, because it is arduous!  Holidays have become much easier with Maggie, but her maturity is still lacking.  She does things socially that you would expect out of a 6 or 7 year old and she is almost 9.  Things that people often times question and children don't understand.  Did you know that there is actually a diagnosis of Impulse Control Disorder?  Maggie is the epitome of Impulse Control Disorder.  She seriously cannot help herself.  Of course, I have been told that I make excuses for her also.  So, who really knows!  I always thought that I would spend my weekends with my friends and their families hanging out.  Kids playing together, some great adult conversation (that I so desperately need), and some compassion and understanding to boot!  That hasn't worked out so great for us!  Friends are few and far between these days.  Even though Belle is old enough to babysit,  we really can't expect her to be able to handle the chaos that the younger ones dish out, just so we can go hang out with friends.  I know, deep down, that the most important thing is, that we have gained so much more through our children, but I miss our friends!

"You ain't suppose to be sick!"

Originally posted on Wednesday, December 16, 2009 at 9:41am on my Facebook

This is an old one, but pretty funny!

After 6 days of feeling like total crap, still playing Super Mom, not sleeping well and trying to actually get some shopping done for Christmas I decided, at 4:50 last night, when I should have been making dinner to lay down on the couch. I was done, exhausted and just couldn't handle being upright any longer. Annabelle was doing her homework in the front room, Lilly, Maggie and Murdoch were in the TV room with me, Camron wasn't home from work yet and Cam Jr had left for work. It wasn't exactly a peaceful doze, but it was good enough! Around 6:00 p.m. I had this conversation with Lilly and Maggie:

Twig: Mom what's for dinner?
Me: Nothing!
Twig: What?
Me: Nothing!
Maggie: Why not?
Me: Because I'm sick.
Twig (In dramatic Twiggy fashion): You're just going to let us starve?!
Me: Yes!
Maggie: You're not sick!
Me: I'm not?
Maggie: You ain't suppose to be sick!
Me: But I am.
Twig (again in dramatic Twiggy fashion): So, really you're just gonna let us starve?!
Me: Yes!
Maggie: Are you sure your sick?
Twig: I can't believe you!
Me: Go call your Dad!

Twiggy returned a couple minutes later with the phone:

Twig: Here, it's Dad!
Me: Hello.
Dad: What's wrong?
Me: What did she tell you?
Dad: That you WON'T make them dinner.

I, of course, laughed!

I went on to tell Camron the whole conversation and as he laughed his way through it, Twig was still in dramatic fashion going on about how I'm gonna let them starve and then Annabelle finally chimes in "So I don't have to make them anything right?". Gotta love it! In the end no one starved to death, they all got something to eat as Super Mom came to the rescue with corn dogs, tater tots, grilled cheese, veggie burgers, and peas!