Motherhood

Motherhood is the most thankless, selfless, yet purposeful job in existence. At any given time you are smiling, crying, laughing, frowning, drowning, hiding, screaming, whispering, overwhelmed, underprepared, overtired, failing and on the brink of insanity. You feel worthless and broken, sure you've ruined it all. Positive you have not given anything worth a fucking damn to those tiny humans that grew way too freaking fast! Positive that everything was for naught. Positive they can't survive out there because your love wasn't enough. That what you had to work with, wasn't enough. That they are harboring a deep seated hate for all your imperfections you tried so fucking hard not to show (especially your use of the F-bomb). Your anger and frustrations and lack of patience and inability to hold on just 10 more minutes until they were in bed or because you just didn't walk away soon enough. Because you lost it way too many times. Because you really are bat-shit-crazy and because you really are just human and not the superhero they needed you to be. Because you forgot the permission slip, again. Because you forgot to wash their favorite jeans, again. Because you forgot it was red, purple, yellow or sea-foam green or whatever freaking color day at school and didn't buy them something to wear, again. You forgot a thousand times and then you forgot again. As my good friend Stephanie would say, you can’t get your self-worth from this job. No words have ever rung truer. At the end of the day, you have to look at what you did do, not what you didn’t do. You gave them life and hope and love. You gave them faith and dreams. You gave them safety and a home. You gave them lullabies and thousands of good night kisses. You gave them piggy-back rides and pushed them on the swing. You played in the sand with them, splashed in puddles and made mud pies. You played hopscotch 8,367 times in a row and watched Lion King four times a day for two years straight.
 You fed them (yes, tater tots count), clothed them (although not always in clean clothes), bathed them, snuggled them, kissed away the pain, and always, always loved them. You drove them here and there and everywhere. You encouraged them to be fearless, to do their best, to be real, to be proud, to be confident, to believe in themselves and to believe in goodness. You taught them

My brood 💙

compassion, respect and kindness. You pushed them to excel at their hobbies and talents. You stayed up countless nights when they were sick, you carried them back to bed, you dried their tears, you comforted them after a bad dream, let them take over your bed or slept with them in theirs. You listened to their excitement over something you really didn’t give a crap about. You taught them to turn up the music and dance, sing and laugh. You took them adventuring and didn't lose them (well, maybe for a few minutes). You taught them to be brave, smart, strong, and resilient. You let them live to see another day. Now what was it that you didn’t get right? The next time you are having an emotionally charged motherhood breakdown, remember…

You gave them every freaking bit of yourself! Everything!

You rock!

You are a star!

Sandra Murdoch-Becker, Copyright May 10, 2017 ©️

Self Doubt

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, staring at my FASFA email and clicking ignore on my phone from the online admissions office wondering what the hell I think I'm doing. How can I possibly believe I can accomplish a full time program (even online), take care of kids, a house, an apartment, volunteer, take on another student loan and still breathe. I haven't been in a classroom since 1997. I was working full time, carrying a part time class load, pregnant, no kids at home, I was nineteen years younger and I couldn't handle it. I never went back and I only had one kid. Now I have four at home. One with special needs and an attitude, one who knows it all and has an attitude, one sick with lyme (who doesn't want to take care of herself) and has an attitude and the youngest one who is always bored, needs help, is hungry and has an attitude. I'm just a Mom. Does my brain even have the capacity and focus to absorb a whole new world of knowledge? Do I have the ability to organize and schedule the time to do this? Will I be able to selfishly put my needs above their chaotic, dramatic, trivial BS (because I will, of course, always be there for the big, important stuff)? So, in a house full of chaos...how the frick am I going to do this?

Breathe! 
What would I tell my kids?

You got this!
You're smart!
It'll be a breeze!
You will figure out a way, you always do!
You rock!
Get out your calendar and write out your week.
Stay positive!
Take a moment and find your center, rebalance!
Turn on some music.
Prioritize.
Go have a good cry and get back to it!
It doesn't matter if you fail. It only matters if you've tried your best.
I believe in you!
I'm proud of you!
You're the brightest star out there. Now go freaking shine!💫

It's easy to encourage your kids, you truly believe in them and their abilities...convincing myself that my self doubt is unjustified is a much deeper struggle.
Here goes nothing! 💜