2016 didn't suck....

I am grateful for every gift, every moment, every memory, every lesson I have been blessed with. I celebrate and treasure every joy, sadness, adventure, and tranquil occasion I have been able to experience. The good and the bad that I have encountered has shaped me. Mostly, I am beyond grateful for every soul I have met on this journey through life. Thank you for your light and love and the lessons you brought to me. ~smb 💖

I'm really surprised at the number of friends and family saying good riddance to 2016. Seriously, did all of it suck? Did the entire year deserve the label of 'Suckiest Year Ever'? I can't say that. I can say that parts of it sucked, most definitely, but doesn't every year have those moments? My 2016 was truly a year of transformation for me. As the realization hit that the kids are getting older and I was being used way too much by them, I knew changes had to occur. Time to evolve for this stay at home mom. I had to, for my own well being, take time for me. Find my self-worth that I hadn't even realized was missing. I had lost my center, my balance, my sanity, who I was at my core and didn't even realize it. I found solace under the sky in the clouds, stars, sun and moon, even in the winter. I was so focused on raising this house full of kids, dealing with diagnosis after diagnosis, chaos (theirs and mine), drama, school, IEP's, extra curricular activities, volunteering, therapies, research on a never ending basis, and then all the normal household crap that went with it. Up at 5, bed at midnight; my days were long and sleep, I convinced myself, was unnecessary. The apartment (drink) was a huge thorn in my side this year with too much to remodel, a new roof and gutters and empty, income-less apartments. Yet, even through that, I found opportunity for growth and the motivation to just take off with four kids through 10 states for over two weeks. It was an empowering, beautiful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything! I found my inner child that I buried trying too hard to be landlord, mom and wife. We visited family and friends, made memories and found so much awe and beauty throughout the trip that will last us a lifetime! We met strangers with hearts of gold, collected more rocks than I can count, irritated the hell out of each other, laughed until our stomaches hurt, stared at the night skies and reveled in the beauty of seeing stars in a completely darkened state. The sunsets while driving, the rise of a full moon against the backdrop of mountains and the numerous cloud formations and rain storms were unforgettable and drew so much emotion. Visiting Sedona and driving through the mountains was definitely one of my favorite parts and the perfect spot to distract myself from the fact that I just left my parents house (it's always traumatic for me to leave them). I found myself breathless, in tears, longing to stay forever among the glorious red mountains with a never-ending sky. I don't know why I thought a quick stop was going to be enough to take it all in. The drive through Utah along the Colorado River and through the Rockies to Glenwood Springs and eventually to the Denver area drew the same strong emotions. I could stay in the mountains forever. The driving aspect of this trip brought a lot of time to reflect on myself. It gave me a lot of time to rip apart the layers and examine what was in my depths. All the stuff I tend to push back and ignore.

I realized, that on my journey, I tend to draw the right people into my path. The timing may not always seem to be right, but there is always a reason or a lesson or a new/rekindled friendship to be found. I have become much more conscious this year of the little things. Of the things I have always taken for granted. Gratitude became a huge part of my life. Gratitude of all those little things and big things!  I decided to take the compliments of others a little more to heart instead of brushing them off as if they were crazy and didn't see who I really was. I began enjoying the moments as they happened instead of stressing over what still needed to be done. I began to love who I was instead of searching and trying for societal perfection. Perfection, after all, is only one's perception. I embraced my weirdness (more so than I already did) as my uniqueness. I quit giving credit to the insults, whether they were my own or from others. I let go of a huge part of myself that I never should have been holding onto. I got angry, I got mad, I held onto some hate that I shouldn't have. I was hurt and hurt others in return, but in the end I had to forgive myself and them because we only ever have this moment and to spend any amount of time in negativity is counterproductive of our purpose! I chose to spread as much kindness as I could and found the happiness within myself that I so desperately needed. I found beauty in my flaws that led me on the path of self love. I finally realized, 45 years too late, that it isn't up to me to make others happy, nor would I ever accomplish that.  Happiness is a choice, your own choice! I discovered the only person I truly needed was myself. We can only love another as deeply as we love ourselves...so I did a ton of self-loving! I've worked hard this year spreading love in any possible way I could, although I didn't always succeed. But, that's the beauty of awakening to a new day...you get to try again. There is no perfection here, I never wanted there to be. I just wanted to be the real me.

I for one am wrapping up 2016 with a pretty little bow and placing it on the shelf as a huge accomplishment, a trophy of sorts. Overall, I found it to be a beautiful year. I know we all felt loss this year in a big way with the deaths of many music, actor/actress and literary icons. We had personal loss of family and friends. They all were emotional and heartbreaking losses. I tend to look at it this way though...they left behind a legacy of beautiful music, movies, books and memories. Through the experiences we will hold close what each one meant to us and most of us will share that with generations to come. These souls are still close by because we valued them so much. They will impact many lives, and those not yet born.

I already began unwrapping 2017 and decided to embark on expanding my purpose beyond being the lady in the brick house on Raynor Avenue with all those kids. I accepted a part time job and will start school full time and in the process, will more than likely lose the rest of my mind and that's okay. I will work my way through it as I always do. I plan to find the magic, beauty and love in everything I can. I plan to follow my dreams, accomplish my goals and triumph over my self-doubt. I plan to have fun in the madness, chaos and crazy dynamic that is my kids. I plan to stay excited and continue adventuring (even if it's just at the grocery store). I plan to continue dancing and singing (even though Maggie reminds me constantly that I don't sing in tune). I plan to continue finding some time for silence and keep my soul free from the confines I tend to place on it. I plan to go freaking SHINE and AMAZE myself!  I HOPE and WISH all of you do the same!

Have a Happy, Prosperous, Beautiful full of Magic & Love 2017!
💋

Copyright December, 2017 ©

Dance with the Devil

I’ve danced with the devil
on my own turf,
in the pinnacle of my life.

Image Credit: Neokur.com

He tugged at me
ever so gently.
I withdrew,
momentarily,
my choice,
my own.
How does one compel another, precisely?
Even the devil cannot force his prey to choose him.
Thoughts are only that of the soul which beckons them.
The one who revels in the dance
attracts the immorality (if that's a thing you believe in).
This power, his coercion and twisting tactics,
are powerless without ones desire.
The devil, however one sees him, will offer duress
in a pretty package with a bow.
Do you untie the bow?
The imprisonment (or is it freedom)
is yours for the choosing.

~ Sandra Murdoch Becker
Copyright © February, 2016

Self Doubt

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, staring at my FASFA email and clicking ignore on my phone from the online admissions office wondering what the hell I think I'm doing. How can I possibly believe I can accomplish a full time program (even online), take care of kids, a house, an apartment, volunteer, take on another student loan and still breathe. I haven't been in a classroom since 1997. I was working full time, carrying a part time class load, pregnant, no kids at home, I was nineteen years younger and I couldn't handle it. I never went back and I only had one kid. Now I have four at home. One with special needs and an attitude, one who knows it all and has an attitude, one sick with lyme (who doesn't want to take care of herself) and has an attitude and the youngest one who is always bored, needs help, is hungry and has an attitude. I'm just a Mom. Does my brain even have the capacity and focus to absorb a whole new world of knowledge? Do I have the ability to organize and schedule the time to do this? Will I be able to selfishly put my needs above their chaotic, dramatic, trivial BS (because I will, of course, always be there for the big, important stuff)? So, in a house full of chaos...how the frick am I going to do this?

Breathe! 
What would I tell my kids?

You got this!
You're smart!
It'll be a breeze!
You will figure out a way, you always do!
You rock!
Get out your calendar and write out your week.
Stay positive!
Take a moment and find your center, rebalance!
Turn on some music.
Prioritize.
Go have a good cry and get back to it!
It doesn't matter if you fail. It only matters if you've tried your best.
I believe in you!
I'm proud of you!
You're the brightest star out there. Now go freaking shine!💫

It's easy to encourage your kids, you truly believe in them and their abilities...convincing myself that my self doubt is unjustified is a much deeper struggle.
Here goes nothing! 💜

Discover

Walk on a moonbeam.
Sleep near a stream.
Jump rope in a schoolyard
set motionless by time,
deserted by its prey,
after years of play.

Sing to the birds,
plant them a tree.
Spend time with nature,
climb in her freedom.
Remember it forever,
take care of our Mother.

Picnic by a creek,
seek for reality.
Run threw a field,
pick daisies in the breeze
on a lazy day
for your own pleasures within.

Sit in the night,
gaze at the star light.
Think of how it use to be
when the Earth was free
to grow all it needed,
with no one to hurt her feelings.

Sandra Murdoch
Copyright 1994©

Sacred Ground #istandwithstandingrock

These were my thoughts in 1994 at the age of 23. At 45 I think about the damage that has been done in the last 22 years. I pulled this out of a notebook to type it up and the only thing that kept going through my brain was how we are so much worse off. In 22 years we couldn't have done better? If I felt this way when I was 23...what do I think now? I have been crying for days at the videos and stories being posted regarding Standing Rock. I am so sad and heartbroken for the Native people. I am proud of the protectors. I Stand with Standing Rock! I am ashamed of this countries supposed leaders and law enforcement.

Daybreak

Making love with nature
beneath the autumn sky.
Leaning on the birch tree
that reaches its arms so high.

Late blooming flowers
smelling sweet as fresh baked pie,
hidden by a gang of ferns,
growing wildly on the hillside.

I sit above the bluegrass prairie
overlooking what was the night sky
where the stars danced
and the moon smiled.

Silence is soon to be woken
by the rising suns rays
as the song of birds
reach mountain tops
and Mother's creatures awake.

The rhythm of a gentle breeze
and a buzzing swarm of bee's
gently puts me off to sleep
underneath the glowing birch tree
while nature begins its day
without missing a beat.



Sandra Murdoch-Becker
Copyright © 2016 

I found myself...

I found myself in the morning glow of the sunrise
and in the vibrant colors of the sunset.

I found myself in the new day
and in the onset of night.

I found myself in the wonders of the moon
and in the wishes on shooting stars.

I found myself on the highest mountain
and in the lowest valley.

I found myself in the darkest storms
and in the gentlest rains.

I found myself in the depths of the universe
and in the surface of the earth.

I found myself in the pounding ocean waves

and in the calm of a pond.

I found myself in the thickest mud
and in the softest grass.

I found myself in the murkiest of waters
and in the clearest skies. 

I found myself in the blackest night
and in the sunniest day.

I found myself in the ugliness of the world
and in the beauty of nature.

I found myself in my most negative thoughts
and in my happiest moments.

I found myself in anger
and in kindness.

I found myself in the fights
and in the apologies.

I found myself in the most chaotic situations
and in the calmest corners.

I found myself in insults
and in compliments.

I found myself in failure
and in success.

I found myself in arguments
and in silence.

I found myself in the memories of the deceased
and in the words of the living.

I found myself in broken promises
and in dreams.

I found myself in the music
and in the lyrics.

I found myself in my sadness
and in my happiness.

I found myself in my wanderings
and in my stillness.

I found myself in hatred
and in love.

I found myself nowhere
and everywhere.

I found myself in my soul...
        not in your perception.


Sandra Murdoch-Becker
Copyright © 2016 All Rights Reserved

Regrets

Laid down a loved one
into a grave 6 feet deep,
Only to be kept company by
cold dark earth;
while the beauty of nature resides
above, in a world undeserving of her.
Regrets of words unspoken,
lost within a selfish mind.
Speaking to his soul
in the calm sky.
Cries of sorrow, visions
of lost memories, simple things
that now mean much more.
Living trapped in a hole
deep in mind and heart.
Haunting forever,
with feelings of guilt.
Words never spoken
wanting back time
to live a moment, lost
That should have occurred
with his soul, while human.




Sandra Murdoch-Becker
Copyright © 2016
All Rights Reserved 

I Can...

I wish I could turn my kids brains off for one moment. Stop the constant motion of their thoughts so they could only feel from their heart and soul. So they could truly see themselves from a different realm. Not the eyes of others but their own mind's eye. I want them to realize that who they once were, before technology, society and conforming took over their brains IS exactly who they truly are. The fun, confident, loving, caring and compassionate beings that existed when they were small is buried in their depths and only they can bring themselves back. They are in a constant place of worry and anxiety over what their peers say about them, what their teachers and coaches think about them and school in general. They once had an immense power in their confidence which brought them success in all of their talents and it saddens me to see them struggling in areas they shouldn't even be concerned with as children and young adults. No matter how much I try and guide them and inspire them, it's ultimately up to them to break the illusions and make the changes. It doesn't help that they're so damn stubborn and closed-minded. They are always right and Mom is wrong. I miss their magic, imagination and determination that once filled our days. I'm sad to constantly hear, "I can't..." instead of "I can...". My hope is that somewhere along their path they can be mindful, at peace and find the love of life they possessed when they were small...that they find their, "I CAN..." again!

Eyes

Eyes in the distance
Hidden by the night.
Sitting on a bench,
in the deserted park.
Keeping warm with day old
news, another mans trash.
Praying for a miracle, dreaming
of another way, another day.
Cursing the rain clouds
praising the warmth of the sun's rays.
Begging for a torn and worn coat
frightened for life.

Eyes that see more than
You and I, ignored by society.
Considered a disease, unwanted
in this self-concerned world.
Offering a service for change,
just enough to feed himself.
Sleeping in an alley, amongst
a mountain of trash.
Hiding all his pain with gifted spirits,
just another day, no change.
No, he hasn't seen the world,
but his eyes know much more.

Time is not Real

* It appears I wasn't such a dimwit in my teens. It's a shame I didn't truly understand what I was writing about.


A figment of the human mind,
an illusion set by man.
It never was significant,
time is not real.
The future is clear,
yet to be created.
The past is no more,
it cannot be recreated.
The present always is.
Tomorrow never comes.
Today is always here.
The reality is,
time is not real,
you only have now.
Time;
just another deception
from the depth of the
        human mind.


 

Sandra Murdoch-Becker, Copyright 1987

King of 22nd Street

The King of 22nd Street
stands idle in the rain.
A bottle in his right hand,
a cane in the left.

Collecting money on the corner,
to buy himself a crown.
Sitting to rest on a crate,
believed to be his throne.

He screams in the night,
"I'm the King of 22nd Street,
got a problem?
You have to answer to me."

The Kingdom turns their backs on him,
some sit and stare.
Lights go out,
22nd Street is bare.

The King bows his head,
tears streaming down his face.
He's down on his luck,
with a bottle of Jack,
lost in a world of pain.





Sandra Murdoch-Becker, Copyright 1994

For the Love of an Addict

To love an addict is the most emotionally draining relationship to carry.
Do you know one?
A family member, friend, spouse, or a co-worker?
Are you one?
What's your part in the relationship?
Maybe your lucky enough to be an audience member. 
Fortunate, you only have to sit and pass your judgement on the act playing out in your distant vision.
Maybe you're the dealer or the drink provider, the devil himself.
Maybe you are simply the enabler who thinks they are helping, supporting.

The biggest question I ask myself multiple times a day is, "Am I enabling or supporting?".
I often wonder if they are one in the same.
Is it possible to even be supportive without enabling?
Everyone's perspective of it is different.
What one views as being supportive can be viewed by another as being the enabler, and so the opposite also holds true.
It's definitely a Catch 22.
It's been a life long controversy in my head.
I've never put it on paper, never talked about it with another human, and never asked about it.
Just sat and argued with myself in the corners of my day and cried.
I've been lectured about it, but never asked how I feel about it or how I've lived with it.

I've carried on many conversations with the rising sun and the night sky about it.
Their beauty never gave me answers but always lifted my soul for a moment or two.
It got me through many days.
The thought of my loved ones always in the back of my head.
Often wondering how did they even get here?
How do they not love themselves enough when they obviously have so many that love them?
I never understood it.
How could I? I'm not an addict. I'm the enabler. The supporter. The comforter.
The one who doesn't get it.
The one sitting on the outside.

It's a burden to love, just as the addiction is a burden.
I wasted so much time trying to understand their choices.
Trying to be in their heads.
I never even had the urge to try any of it, how could I understand it?
So much energy wasted on the wondering and the what if's!
It is heartbreaking to know they don't love....couldn't love themselves enough to quit.
Their lives incomplete without it.
Like the need for a cup of coffee or a good book.
The need for their poison more important than anything or anyone in the physical world.
Maybe they were just waiting for death to come knocking.
Trust me, I'm not judging. Just thinking it through.
Still wasting time on wondering.



It hurts on this side (in case you wondered).
I've been raging mad, brought to my knees with sadness and cried tears that didn't matter.
I've spend much time in exhaustive worry.
Scared of the worst images my mind could conjure.
Overwhelmed with feelings one should not have to feel.
Conquered by the fear.
There is no winning here.
People just don't talk about it.

So, we've warned our children.
It's a dominant force in our lives.
They all know it's there and it's a risk to make this choice.
It could engulf them.
Or, as it was with me, it may not be appealing.
I pray this to be true.
I pray for them eternally that they won't know.
That they won't be the addict.
That they won't have to know the duties of the supportive enabler.

I've watched addiction. I've watched recovery. They are both a fight that never ends.

Have you ever listened to the tree's?

I sat, Indian style on the back deck paying special attention to the unseasonably warm November night, originally just wanting to gaze at the sky. I wasn't expecting the quick, engulfing dense fog or the heaviness of the moisture that began surrounding me. Comfortable in my sweatshirt & yoga pants, I never did catch a glimpse of the night sky. I could scarcely see the tree that was only 25 feet in front of me. It became eerily creepy on this fall night. The surrounding traffic noise was practically non-existent and my sense of hearing on heightened alert because of the rapid change in the visibility.

It became apparent that the trees, still heavy with leaves, were dropping them at a fairly quick rate. I can only assume it was because of the heaviness of the fog. The sound was a fairly relaxing beat, seemingly on purpose. You could here them floating to the ground one after another with pause between. Like a planned rhythm from the percussion's of a symphony. The largest tree on the right, the lead and the three smaller playing in from the left. Some floating to the roof, a heavier sound than those hitting the ground and then the swoosh of the leaves falling to the tarp covered play-set gliding eventually to the slide. Still noting the lack of visibility. I had a faint light coming from the kitchen window, but for the most part could no longer see the path to the door. The fog even more dense now and the tree's apparently enjoying their song, were almost teasing me with their antics. I sat wishing I could witness the leaves sound creation but grateful to have experienced the synchronous vibration of the night. The one tree sitting bare of leaves (I'm sure feeling left out), with a double trunk that twists into each other,  joined in with a barely noticeable movement. Like the sound of an embrace that you would miss unless you were truly paying attention. An appreciative sigh.

The chill eventually got to me and I meandered back to the house with a grateful grin and a calm heart, still listening as the tree's continued their song. I stepped inside, absorbing the warmth but longing to listen to the trees for eternity. 

Sandra Murdoch-Becker

Copyright November, 2015

Dance the Dance

The world is going to throw us situations that hurt us, anger us and sometimes knock us down. It's all in how we choose to dance the dance that makes the difference in how it affects us. Sometimes we can just feel it and let it go.  Sometimes we feel it and hold on for a bit.  Sometimes the dance is insanely long, drawn out and makes us hate the dance. The hate turns to resentment, bitterness and hardening of the heart. I've been here too many times to count. Too many times to waste my time trying to recall after all the time wasted in that state. It's a long trip back to loving the dance.

Right now, in this moment, I'm sad and just trying to dance through it with forgiveness. I'm trying really hard to dance this one with dignity and grace! I want the frustration to dissolve; my sense of calm to return. Unfortunately, I'm not dancing this one alone and we're all trying to stay in sync while dancing to a different tune. Each has his own steps to complete before the music ends and it's looking more like a mosh pit here than a ballet.  Although mosh pits can be an adventure, I'm getting a little old for the chaos involved. Ahhh, but the chaos brings change, so bring on the mosh pit!

 

We'll dance the dance and be better parents, a better family because of it. I hope the others involved will see this. Next time we will dance with more compassion and understanding. I hope that everyone learns from it. I've never claimed to be perfect and never will. I have plenty of faults and mistakes that I have to dance through. I have learned however, that if I allow situations to exist without speaking up, the behaviors are reinforced. Not just by the originator of the circumstance, but by those that observed it.

 

So, dance the dance and do it with a smile, a sense of peace, forgiveness, thankfulness and love!