Dance with the Devil

I’ve danced with the devil
on my own turf,
in the pinnacle of my life.

Image Credit: Neokur.com

He tugged at me
ever so gently.
I withdrew,
momentarily,
my choice,
my own.
How does one compel another, precisely?
Even the devil cannot force his prey to choose him.
Thoughts are only that of the soul which beckons them.
The one who revels in the dance
attracts the immorality (if that's a thing you believe in).
This power, his coercion and twisting tactics,
are powerless without ones desire.
The devil, however one sees him, will offer duress
in a pretty package with a bow.
Do you untie the bow?
The imprisonment (or is it freedom)
is yours for the choosing.

~ Sandra Murdoch Becker
Copyright © February, 2016

Self Doubt

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, staring at my FASFA email and clicking ignore on my phone from the online admissions office wondering what the hell I think I'm doing. How can I possibly believe I can accomplish a full time program (even online), take care of kids, a house, an apartment, volunteer, take on another student loan and still breathe. I haven't been in a classroom since 1997. I was working full time, carrying a part time class load, pregnant, no kids at home, I was nineteen years younger and I couldn't handle it. I never went back and I only had one kid. Now I have four at home. One with special needs and an attitude, one who knows it all and has an attitude, one sick with lyme (who doesn't want to take care of herself) and has an attitude and the youngest one who is always bored, needs help, is hungry and has an attitude. I'm just a Mom. Does my brain even have the capacity and focus to absorb a whole new world of knowledge? Do I have the ability to organize and schedule the time to do this? Will I be able to selfishly put my needs above their chaotic, dramatic, trivial BS (because I will, of course, always be there for the big, important stuff)? So, in a house full of chaos...how the frick am I going to do this?

Breathe! 
What would I tell my kids?

You got this!
You're smart!
It'll be a breeze!
You will figure out a way, you always do!
You rock!
Get out your calendar and write out your week.
Stay positive!
Take a moment and find your center, rebalance!
Turn on some music.
Prioritize.
Go have a good cry and get back to it!
It doesn't matter if you fail. It only matters if you've tried your best.
I believe in you!
I'm proud of you!
You're the brightest star out there. Now go freaking shine!💫

It's easy to encourage your kids, you truly believe in them and their abilities...convincing myself that my self doubt is unjustified is a much deeper struggle.
Here goes nothing! 💜

Discover

Walk on a moonbeam.
Sleep near a stream.
Jump rope in a schoolyard
set motionless by time,
deserted by its prey,
after years of play.

Sing to the birds,
plant them a tree.
Spend time with nature,
climb in her freedom.
Remember it forever,
take care of our Mother.

Picnic by a creek,
seek for reality.
Run threw a field,
pick daisies in the breeze
on a lazy day
for your own pleasures within.

Sit in the night,
gaze at the star light.
Think of how it use to be
when the Earth was free
to grow all it needed,
with no one to hurt her feelings.

Sandra Murdoch
Copyright 1994©

Sacred Ground #istandwithstandingrock

These were my thoughts in 1994 at the age of 23. At 45 I think about the damage that has been done in the last 22 years. I pulled this out of a notebook to type it up and the only thing that kept going through my brain was how we are so much worse off. In 22 years we couldn't have done better? If I felt this way when I was 23...what do I think now? I have been crying for days at the videos and stories being posted regarding Standing Rock. I am so sad and heartbroken for the Native people. I am proud of the protectors. I Stand with Standing Rock! I am ashamed of this countries supposed leaders and law enforcement.

Daybreak

Making love with nature
beneath the autumn sky.
Leaning on the birch tree
that reaches its arms so high.

Late blooming flowers
smelling sweet as fresh baked pie,
hidden by a gang of ferns,
growing wildly on the hillside.

I sit above the bluegrass prairie
overlooking what was the night sky
where the stars danced
and the moon smiled.

Silence is soon to be woken
by the rising suns rays
as the song of birds
reach mountain tops
and Mother's creatures awake.

The rhythm of a gentle breeze
and a buzzing swarm of bee's
gently puts me off to sleep
underneath the glowing birch tree
while nature begins its day
without missing a beat.



Sandra Murdoch-Becker
Copyright © 2016 

I found myself...

I found myself in the morning glow of the sunrise
and in the vibrant colors of the sunset.

I found myself in the new day
and in the onset of night.

I found myself in the wonders of the moon
and in the wishes on shooting stars.

I found myself on the highest mountain
and in the lowest valley.

I found myself in the darkest storms
and in the gentlest rains.

I found myself in the depths of the universe
and in the surface of the earth.

I found myself in the pounding ocean waves

and in the calm of a pond.

I found myself in the thickest mud
and in the softest grass.

I found myself in the murkiest of waters
and in the clearest skies. 

I found myself in the blackest night
and in the sunniest day.

I found myself in the ugliness of the world
and in the beauty of nature.

I found myself in my most negative thoughts
and in my happiest moments.

I found myself in anger
and in kindness.

I found myself in the fights
and in the apologies.

I found myself in the most chaotic situations
and in the calmest corners.

I found myself in insults
and in compliments.

I found myself in failure
and in success.

I found myself in arguments
and in silence.

I found myself in the memories of the deceased
and in the words of the living.

I found myself in broken promises
and in dreams.

I found myself in the music
and in the lyrics.

I found myself in my sadness
and in my happiness.

I found myself in my wanderings
and in my stillness.

I found myself in hatred
and in love.

I found myself nowhere
and everywhere.

I found myself in my soul...
        not in your perception.


Sandra Murdoch-Becker
Copyright © 2016 All Rights Reserved

Regrets

Laid down a loved one
into a grave 6 feet deep,
Only to be kept company by
cold dark earth;
while the beauty of nature resides
above, in a world undeserving of her.
Regrets of words unspoken,
lost within a selfish mind.
Speaking to his soul
in the calm sky.
Cries of sorrow, visions
of lost memories, simple things
that now mean much more.
Living trapped in a hole
deep in mind and heart.
Haunting forever,
with feelings of guilt.
Words never spoken
wanting back time
to live a moment, lost
That should have occurred
with his soul, while human.




Sandra Murdoch-Becker
Copyright © 2016
All Rights Reserved