Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Lack of words....
My words elude me. Daily. I sit to write or type and they're missing. I dream them, watch them, hear them as I walk, drive, mow the lawn, paint, make lunches, give baths and then, POOF, gone. They seem brilliant at the time, almost not me. Definitely not me. I go to place them on paper and I've lost them, forever. Elusive ideas and thoughts, brilliantly meant for only me! Dammit! You would have really liked some of them!
Thursday, September 4, 2014
My shoes...
My shoes are dirty
Though spirited and strong
So far from home
not yet defeated.
They continue the path
and eventually wander off
looking for something anew
amongst the tree's or even the roadside.
Something magical
to bring back home.
Yet, there is an endless expanse awaiting.
My shoes, no one knows
a place for only me
you can try them
but you won't feel or see as me.
They take me through my life
my journey through time
looking for adventure
sometimes, rough terrain.
Meeting new people
or recconnecting with old friends
they never tire of smiling faces.
They're tired and torn
So far from home
and nowhere near done.
They have seen some miles...
on paths of the countryside
on sidewalks of the cities
in puddles on rainy days
in the mud of flower gardens
in newly fallen snow
in piles of crunchy fall leaves
They still have great lengths to go.
My shoes won't stop
a new path they'll find
until my limbs won't go
and my heart says, enough.
They will blaze trails
into rising & setting suns
to greater lengths
than my mind thought possible
until they land back home
when my journey is done.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
From My Heart
I originally posted this on Facebook in 2011......
From My Heart
October 6, 2011 at 1:27pm
and every day I find more
that I never knew was there.
I have taken you as far
as our money will take you
in the medical world.
I have tried to get you beyond the scope
but "experimental" is out of reach,
they don't see the NEED!
I have promised you, FOREVER, I will
help you cope...
and I will NEVER stop fighting!
You have come so far, my sweet child,
Oh, if you could only see what I see.
You have succeeded beyond the experts expectations
but you only feel failure within.
You have cried and begged for another brain,
but you are so highly intelligent
you don't realize where you can go!
I have watched countless tears
I couldn't wipe away
because you couldn't let me near.
I have missed an abundance of hugs
because you couldn't be touched.
I have missed thousands of smiles
because you didn't want to be looked at.
I have seen countless physically, scary meltdowns
that have left me helpless and broken,
scared for your life!
Then magically I see these days,
the light emitting, total radiance,
it's in your eyes, your smile, your laugh....You are home!
I know now, I can't fix you....
there's no fixing to be done.
God dealt us this hand
and he will provide.
We just have to follow the path
that will take us there.
We will show the world, as God intended,
that you are not broken.
First, I have to show you,
Your worth,
Your beauty,
Your being,
Your love,
Your heart....
That SCREAMS....."I am here!"
Copyright © 2011
Sandra Becker
Thursday, February 20, 2014
11 Years
Eleven Years ago, daughter number three was born. She wasn't an easy pregnancy by any means and she has proven to be quite the adventurous, stubborn, non-stop one through these eleven years. She has had to endure much, as have we and her siblings. Actually, everyone that has encountered her has had to endure her quirks, more difficult ones through a large part of her time here, than easy.
As the past four months has flown bringing us to her Birthday, she has blossomed. (I actually hate that word, "blossomed".) It seems to be that girly word that everyone uses. She has grown, progressed, matured, flourished, evolved, blossomed.... however you want to put it, she's getting it!!
Things have calmed at home, school has become fantastic for her social/emotional well being, she started playing the harp, and she has quit refusing to do her homework and schoolwork. Being the pessimist that I am, I'm waiting for the bomb to go off.
She no longer seems to hate her little brother (although she does still become agitated by his existence). She doesn't stomp around slamming doors. She hasn't destroyed a room in at least a year. She isn't fighting with us every minute of her awake time at home. She feels accomplished and proud! FINALLY! She hasn't asked for a new brain in a quite some time or wished herself dead. She is simply, HAPPY! The only thing we ever hoped for, for her, is happiness!
No more meds, psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists or behavior therapists. It was like a switch was flipped. Don't get me wrong, we don't have perfection. There will never be perfection. Perfection is highly overrated! Her long list of diagnosis' haven't gone away, but she has learned to cope and overcome. She is conquering her demons and finding strength in her abilities. She has found positivity in adversity. She discovered self confidence!
I couldn't be prouder of the young girl that our Maggie has become. I can't wait to see what she will continue to accomplish and throw in our path's! Through every mountain we've had to climb and hole we've had to dig out of there has always been hope and love! Yes, a lot of tears and why's and wanting to give up. Yet, we never stopped hoping, we never stopped loving.
Magnificent Maggie will be blazing a new trail in the next 6 months when she enters Junior High. Back to district, new friends, new adventures and new goals to achieve! I can't wait to see where this journey will lead.......
As the past four months has flown bringing us to her Birthday, she has blossomed. (I actually hate that word, "blossomed".) It seems to be that girly word that everyone uses. She has grown, progressed, matured, flourished, evolved, blossomed.... however you want to put it, she's getting it!!
Things have calmed at home, school has become fantastic for her social/emotional well being, she started playing the harp, and she has quit refusing to do her homework and schoolwork. Being the pessimist that I am, I'm waiting for the bomb to go off.
She no longer seems to hate her little brother (although she does still become agitated by his existence). She doesn't stomp around slamming doors. She hasn't destroyed a room in at least a year. She isn't fighting with us every minute of her awake time at home. She feels accomplished and proud! FINALLY! She hasn't asked for a new brain in a quite some time or wished herself dead. She is simply, HAPPY! The only thing we ever hoped for, for her, is happiness!
No more meds, psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists or behavior therapists. It was like a switch was flipped. Don't get me wrong, we don't have perfection. There will never be perfection. Perfection is highly overrated! Her long list of diagnosis' haven't gone away, but she has learned to cope and overcome. She is conquering her demons and finding strength in her abilities. She has found positivity in adversity. She discovered self confidence!
I couldn't be prouder of the young girl that our Maggie has become. I can't wait to see what she will continue to accomplish and throw in our path's! Through every mountain we've had to climb and hole we've had to dig out of there has always been hope and love! Yes, a lot of tears and why's and wanting to give up. Yet, we never stopped hoping, we never stopped loving.
Magnificent Maggie will be blazing a new trail in the next 6 months when she enters Junior High. Back to district, new friends, new adventures and new goals to achieve! I can't wait to see where this journey will lead.......
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Memories of the Birthday that Wasn't
I wrote this 2 years ago on my 40th Birthday and have added a couple of things, but for the most part, it remains the memories of an 11 year old, heart broken girl on her birthday.
29 years ago on my 11th birthday I was awoken to the news of my Grandma Murdoch's passing. As a child, I was torn on whether or not I should go to school. I did after all have candy to pass out. I decided to stay home and ate the candy myself. I don't recall if I shared it with my 4 brothers. More than likely not, since I don't have a memory of it. I was quite angry that my Grandmother chose my day to die. I couldn't imagine a more horrific reason to not want to celebrate my birthday ever again. Not to mention that the days following would have NOTHING to do with me. Quite a selfish little brat I was, huh? I recall lots of relatives appearing, family friends stopping by, the planning of the wake/funeral and wanting so badly to be a part, yet keeping to myself. I don't remember if there was a happy birthday sang or mom's famous chocolate sheet cake made. How could she do this to me? No more shopping trips or lunches out. No more movies (she introduced me to Little Orphan Annie and E.T.) or trips to Marshall Fields to visit her while she worked. They had the BEST chocolate cookies. No more spending the night, Halloween visits, or Christmas Eve dinners. No more Saturday evening masses sitting in the front pew or surprise visits to get me out of yard work that she felt the boys should be doing. No more Birthday PRESENTS! Well, apparently just one more! Someone appeared with a box (not sure what day) that contained a pair of purple knickers and a long sleeved white and purple shirt from, where else, Marshall Fields! She remembered (not sure if it really did come from her, but at the time it didn't matter)! Had she ever let me down? So it wasn't some great piece of heirloom jewelry (that didn't matter to an 11 year old), but I wore them with pride and confidence (and EVERYONE made fun of me)! Even after they had ripped and no longer fit I didn't want to let them go! It has not gotten easier to be without her these past 29 Birthdays. I still cry over her absence, my wedding especially hard. I walked down the aisle carrying a white hankie that my Aunt Barb purchased. The note with it read "In memory of someone who thought you were pretty special." We were able to get married at Old St. Mary's Church in Mokena where she is buried next to my Grandfather. We played Hail Mary, Gentle Woman during the wedding, a song from her funeral mass and placed flowers at her & Grandpa's grave. I know she has been here with me through it all, I couldn't have asked for a better Guardian Angel than God has given me. It took me some time to realize that her passing on my birthday was a gift and not a curse. She has brought me through a lot and the memories of Grandma curled in her chair with an afghan, a pop, her rosary and prayer book can bring a smile to my face whenever I need one. The emptiness of her absence will never cease, but knowing she was strong and happy during her years here does help. Her love is forever felt in my heart, especially today on my 40th Birthday!
The words I wrote as an 11 year old....
"Grandma." I say and I can't hear your voice or wipe away the pain.
I see you in my dreams,
I remember some days, good and bad,
When you were well and picked me up from school,
Or when you were sick, on a Sunday after church
We would come and visit you.
I will remember that day,
The sounds of everyones pain,
It hurt, It was my birthday.
You weren't there,
No celebrations I would have
There were more important things to tend to.
I felt privileged though, believe it or not,
But also, a little cheated
God chose a good day for you to die.
I cried, sometimes still do.
I remember your face
and that purple dress that covered up your neck.
I said good-bye,
One last time.
I miss you Grandma,
But I'll see you one day
Up there in paradise and hopefully,
you will look the same as I remember,
When I turned eleven,
On my Birthday,
The day God took you away!
This year would have been Grandma's 100th Birthday.
Copyright © 10/15/2011
Sandra Becker
29 years ago on my 11th birthday I was awoken to the news of my Grandma Murdoch's passing. As a child, I was torn on whether or not I should go to school. I did after all have candy to pass out. I decided to stay home and ate the candy myself. I don't recall if I shared it with my 4 brothers. More than likely not, since I don't have a memory of it. I was quite angry that my Grandmother chose my day to die. I couldn't imagine a more horrific reason to not want to celebrate my birthday ever again. Not to mention that the days following would have NOTHING to do with me. Quite a selfish little brat I was, huh? I recall lots of relatives appearing, family friends stopping by, the planning of the wake/funeral and wanting so badly to be a part, yet keeping to myself. I don't remember if there was a happy birthday sang or mom's famous chocolate sheet cake made. How could she do this to me? No more shopping trips or lunches out. No more movies (she introduced me to Little Orphan Annie and E.T.) or trips to Marshall Fields to visit her while she worked. They had the BEST chocolate cookies. No more spending the night, Halloween visits, or Christmas Eve dinners. No more Saturday evening masses sitting in the front pew or surprise visits to get me out of yard work that she felt the boys should be doing. No more Birthday PRESENTS! Well, apparently just one more! Someone appeared with a box (not sure what day) that contained a pair of purple knickers and a long sleeved white and purple shirt from, where else, Marshall Fields! She remembered (not sure if it really did come from her, but at the time it didn't matter)! Had she ever let me down? So it wasn't some great piece of heirloom jewelry (that didn't matter to an 11 year old), but I wore them with pride and confidence (and EVERYONE made fun of me)! Even after they had ripped and no longer fit I didn't want to let them go! It has not gotten easier to be without her these past 29 Birthdays. I still cry over her absence, my wedding especially hard. I walked down the aisle carrying a white hankie that my Aunt Barb purchased. The note with it read "In memory of someone who thought you were pretty special." We were able to get married at Old St. Mary's Church in Mokena where she is buried next to my Grandfather. We played Hail Mary, Gentle Woman during the wedding, a song from her funeral mass and placed flowers at her & Grandpa's grave. I know she has been here with me through it all, I couldn't have asked for a better Guardian Angel than God has given me. It took me some time to realize that her passing on my birthday was a gift and not a curse. She has brought me through a lot and the memories of Grandma curled in her chair with an afghan, a pop, her rosary and prayer book can bring a smile to my face whenever I need one. The emptiness of her absence will never cease, but knowing she was strong and happy during her years here does help. Her love is forever felt in my heart, especially today on my 40th Birthday!
The words I wrote as an 11 year old....
"Grandma." I say and I can't hear your voice or wipe away the pain.
I see you in my dreams,
I remember some days, good and bad,
When you were well and picked me up from school,
Or when you were sick, on a Sunday after church
We would come and visit you.
I will remember that day,
The sounds of everyones pain,
It hurt, It was my birthday.
You weren't there,
No celebrations I would have
There were more important things to tend to.
I felt privileged though, believe it or not,
But also, a little cheated
God chose a good day for you to die.
I cried, sometimes still do.
I remember your face
and that purple dress that covered up your neck.
I said good-bye,
One last time.
I miss you Grandma,
But I'll see you one day
Up there in paradise and hopefully,
you will look the same as I remember,
When I turned eleven,
On my Birthday,
The day God took you away!
This year would have been Grandma's 100th Birthday.
Copyright © 10/15/2011
Sandra Becker
Sunday, April 14, 2013
The Reunion
I never put much stock in the number that is my age. Hitting 30 and even 40 never concerned me too awful much. After all, you only become a day older than you were the day before your birthday. Your age is just a number and cannot measure the life you live. However, death is a different story! Two losses in the last week have hit me pretty hard. This has left me pondering, as those numbers keep adding up, the age of those around me are also adding up. Unfortunately with every passing second comes the chance meeting with death, for all ages. Acceptance of age is one thing. Acceptance of death, a whole different thing!
With death comes sorrow and all the thoughts of the should haves and would haves. I can honestly say that the only regret I have with the recent loss in our family is that I wish we had more time to visit. I feel very blessed with what time we did have. Very blessed that my Uncle Fritz was able to visit this past summer with Aunt Becky for our Miller Family Reunion. I will treasure the time they spent here! The memories are forever and bring some contentment at this time! These memories of Uncle Fritz will mean everything with each passing day! The heartbreak is never easy and it is always helpful to have the support of family friends while grieving.
As prayers & condolences flooded FaceBook after Uncle Fritz's passing on Friday night, there were many words that brought peace. Unfortunately, no words could take away the sorrow. When my Uncle Jim posted yesterday, there was a barrage of condolences on his status, but one in particular stopped my flood of tears and actually brought a smile to my face. One comment that made me stop and rethink death all together! I don't know this person, but credit is due to Dinah Torres-Quinones (a friend of Uncle Jim's) for the following words she wrote:
What an incredible, faithful thought! We all say when someone dies "Some day we will see them in Heaven", but how many of us look forward to it? We anticipate life events like a graduation, marriage, family get togethers or the birth of a baby. How many of us anticipate the reunion in heaven? Why not?
Ultimately, our faith is suppose to prepare us for the journey to our death. This life was never the true goal that God set for us. Our earthly life is to live faithfully, to learn and give of ourselves for the benefit of others. To HELP those less fortunate. We are here as preparation for eternal life in Heaven. This life tests us on a constant basis and when God calls us, we go! So now, as Dinah said, we have a reunion to look forward to, with Uncle Fritz and so many others that God has called along the way!
(As it turns out, Dinah shares her words of wisdom in a blog. Check it out here:
http://dinahsdailydose.wordpress.com/)
With death comes sorrow and all the thoughts of the should haves and would haves. I can honestly say that the only regret I have with the recent loss in our family is that I wish we had more time to visit. I feel very blessed with what time we did have. Very blessed that my Uncle Fritz was able to visit this past summer with Aunt Becky for our Miller Family Reunion. I will treasure the time they spent here! The memories are forever and bring some contentment at this time! These memories of Uncle Fritz will mean everything with each passing day! The heartbreak is never easy and it is always helpful to have the support of family friends while grieving.
As prayers & condolences flooded FaceBook after Uncle Fritz's passing on Friday night, there were many words that brought peace. Unfortunately, no words could take away the sorrow. When my Uncle Jim posted yesterday, there was a barrage of condolences on his status, but one in particular stopped my flood of tears and actually brought a smile to my face. One comment that made me stop and rethink death all together! I don't know this person, but credit is due to Dinah Torres-Quinones (a friend of Uncle Jim's) for the following words she wrote:
"I
have prayed for your brother and his family and am so sorry to hear that
he has passed. I pray now that you will all find comfort in your
wonderful memories and in a truth I hold on to daily after my father
passed, Fritz is not in your past but instead
he has transitioned into your future! What a glorious reunion in
heaven to look forward to. May your family be surrounded by the sweet
presence of the Holy Spirit and in time that your mourning be turned to
joy."
What an incredible, faithful thought! We all say when someone dies "Some day we will see them in Heaven", but how many of us look forward to it? We anticipate life events like a graduation, marriage, family get togethers or the birth of a baby. How many of us anticipate the reunion in heaven? Why not?
Ultimately, our faith is suppose to prepare us for the journey to our death. This life was never the true goal that God set for us. Our earthly life is to live faithfully, to learn and give of ourselves for the benefit of others. To HELP those less fortunate. We are here as preparation for eternal life in Heaven. This life tests us on a constant basis and when God calls us, we go! So now, as Dinah said, we have a reunion to look forward to, with Uncle Fritz and so many others that God has called along the way!
(As it turns out, Dinah shares her words of wisdom in a blog. Check it out here:
http://dinahsdailydose.wordpress.com/)
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)
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