29 years ago on my 11th birthday I was awoken to the news of my Grandma Murdoch's passing. As a child, I was torn on whether or not I should go to school. I did after all have candy to pass out. I decided to stay home and ate the candy myself. I don't recall if I shared it with my 4 brothers. More than likely not, since I don't have a memory of it. I was quite angry that my Grandmother chose my day to die. I couldn't imagine a more horrific reason to not want to celebrate my birthday ever again. Not to mention that the days following would have NOTHING to do with me. Quite a selfish little brat I was, huh? I recall lots of relatives appearing, family friends stopping by, the planning of the wake/funeral and wanting so badly to be a part, yet keeping to myself. I don't remember if there was a happy birthday sang or mom's famous chocolate sheet cake made. How could she do this to me? No more shopping trips or lunches out. No more movies (she introduced me to Little Orphan Annie and E.T.) or trips to Marshall Fields to visit her while she worked. They had the BEST chocolate cookies. No more spending the night, Halloween visits, or Christmas Eve dinners. No more Saturday evening masses sitting in the front pew or surprise visits to get me out of yard work that she felt the boys should be doing. No more Birthday PRESENTS! Well, apparently just one more! Someone appeared with a box (not sure what day) that contained a pair of purple knickers and a long sleeved white and purple shirt from, where else, Marshall Fields! She remembered (not sure if it really did come from her, but at the time it didn't matter)! Had she ever let me down? So it wasn't some great piece of heirloom jewelry (that didn't matter to an 11 year old), but I wore them with pride and confidence (and EVERYONE made fun of me)! Even after they had ripped and no longer fit I didn't want to let them go! It has not gotten easier to be without her these past 29 Birthdays. I still cry over her absence, my wedding especially hard. I walked down the aisle carrying a white hankie that my Aunt Barb purchased. The note with it read "In memory of someone who thought you were pretty special." We were able to get married at Old St. Mary's Church in Mokena where she is buried next to my Grandfather. We played Hail Mary, Gentle Woman during the wedding, a song from her funeral mass and placed flowers at her & Grandpa's grave. I know she has been here with me through it all, I couldn't have asked for a better Guardian Angel than God has given me. It took me some time to realize that her passing on my birthday was a gift and not a curse. She has brought me through a lot and the memories of Grandma curled in her chair with an afghan, a pop, her rosary and prayer book can bring a smile to my face whenever I need one. The emptiness of her absence will never cease, but knowing she was strong and happy during her years here does help. Her love is forever felt in my heart, especially today on my 40th Birthday!
The words I wrote as an 11 year old....
"Grandma." I say and I can't hear your voice or wipe away the pain.
I see you in my dreams,
I remember some days, good and bad,
When you were well and picked me up from school,
Or when you were sick, on a Sunday after church
We would come and visit you.
I will remember that day,
The sounds of everyones pain,
It hurt, It was my birthday.
You weren't there,
No celebrations I would have
There were more important things to tend to.
I felt privileged though, believe it or not,
But also, a little cheated
God chose a good day for you to die.
I cried, sometimes still do.
I remember your face
and that purple dress that covered up your neck.
I said good-bye,
One last time.
I miss you Grandma,
But I'll see you one day
Up there in paradise and hopefully,
you will look the same as I remember,
When I turned eleven,
On my Birthday,
The day God took you away!
This year would have been Grandma's 100th Birthday.
Copyright © 10/15/2011
Sandra Becker
