Memories of the Birthday that Wasn't

I wrote this 2 years ago on my 40th Birthday and have added a couple of things, but for the most part, it remains the memories of an 11 year old, heart broken girl on her birthday.  

          29 years ago on my 11th birthday I was awoken to the news of my Grandma Murdoch's passing.  As a child, I was torn on whether or not I should go to school.  I did after all have candy to pass out.  I decided to stay home and ate the candy myself.  I don't recall if I shared it with my 4 brothers.  More than likely not, since I don't have a memory of it.  I was quite angry that my Grandmother chose my day to die.  I couldn't imagine a more horrific reason to not want to celebrate my birthday ever again.  Not to mention that the days following would have NOTHING to do with me.  Quite a selfish little brat I was, huh?  I recall lots of relatives appearing, family friends stopping by, the planning of the wake/funeral and wanting so badly to be a part, yet keeping to myself.  I don't remember if there was a happy birthday sang or mom's famous chocolate sheet cake made.  How could she do this to me?  No more shopping trips or lunches out.  No more movies (she introduced me to Little Orphan Annie and E.T.) or trips to Marshall Fields to visit her while she worked. They had the BEST chocolate cookies. No more spending the night, Halloween visits, or Christmas Eve dinners.  No more Saturday evening masses sitting in the front pew or surprise visits to get me out of yard work that she felt the boys should be doing.  No more Birthday PRESENTS!  Well, apparently just one more!   Someone appeared with a box (not sure what day) that contained a pair of purple knickers and a long sleeved white and purple shirt from, where else, Marshall Fields!  She remembered (not sure if it really did come from her, but at the time it didn't matter)!  Had she ever let me down?  So it wasn't some great piece of heirloom jewelry (that didn't matter to an 11 year old), but I wore them with pride and confidence (and EVERYONE made fun of me)! Even after they had ripped and no longer fit I didn't want to let them go! It has not gotten easier to be without her these past 29 Birthdays. I still cry over her absence, my wedding especially hard.  I walked down the aisle carrying a white hankie that my Aunt Barb purchased. The note with it read "In memory of someone who thought you were pretty special." We were able to get married at Old St. Mary's Church in Mokena where she is buried next to my Grandfather.   We played Hail Mary, Gentle Woman during the wedding, a song from her funeral mass and placed flowers at her & Grandpa's grave.  I know she has been here with me through it all, I couldn't have asked for a better Guardian Angel than God has given me.  It took me some time to realize that her passing on my birthday was a gift and not a curse.  She has brought me through a lot and the memories of Grandma curled in her chair with an afghan, a pop, her rosary and prayer book can bring a smile to my face whenever I need one. The emptiness of her absence will never cease, but knowing she was strong and happy during her years here does help.  Her love is forever felt in my heart, especially today on my 40th Birthday!

The words I wrote as an 11 year old....

"Grandma." I say and I can't hear your voice or wipe away the pain.
I see you in my dreams,
I remember some days, good and bad,
When you were well and picked me up from school,
Or when you were sick, on a Sunday after church
We would come and visit you.
I will remember that day,
The sounds of everyones pain,
It hurt, It was my birthday.
You weren't there,
No celebrations I would have
There were more important things to tend to.
I felt privileged though, believe it or not,
But also, a little cheated
God chose a good day for you to die.
I cried, sometimes still do.
I remember your face
  and that purple dress that covered up your neck.
I said good-bye,
One last time.
I miss you Grandma,
But I'll see you one day
Up there in paradise and hopefully,
  you will look the same as I remember,
When I turned eleven,
On my Birthday,
The day God took you away!

This year would have been Grandma's 100th Birthday.

Copyright © 10/15/2011
Sandra Becker

The Reunion

            I never put much stock in the number that is my age. Hitting 30 and even 40 never concerned me too awful much.  After all, you only become a day older than you were the day before your birthday.  Your age is just a number and cannot measure the life you live.  However, death is a different story!  Two losses in the last week have hit me pretty hard.  This has left me pondering, as those numbers keep adding up, the age of those around me are also adding up.  Unfortunately with every passing second comes the chance meeting with death, for all ages.  Acceptance of age is one thing.  Acceptance of death, a whole different thing!

          With death comes sorrow and all the thoughts of the should haves and would haves.  I can honestly say that the only regret I have with the recent loss in our family is that I wish we had more time to visit.  I feel very blessed with what time we did have.  Very blessed that my Uncle Fritz was able to visit this past summer with Aunt Becky for our Miller Family Reunion.  I will treasure the time they spent here!  The memories are forever and bring some contentment at this time!  These memories of Uncle Fritz will mean everything with each passing day!  The heartbreak is never easy and it is always helpful to have the support of family friends while grieving. 

           As prayers & condolences flooded FaceBook after Uncle Fritz's passing on Friday night, there were many words that brought peace.  Unfortunately, no words could take away the sorrow.  When my Uncle Jim posted yesterday, there was a barrage of condolences on his status, but one in particular stopped my flood of tears and actually brought a smile to my face.  One comment that made me stop and rethink death all together!  I don't know this person, but credit is due to Dinah Torres-Quinones (a friend of Uncle Jim's) for the following words she wrote: 

"I have prayed for your brother and his family and am so sorry to hear that he has passed. I pray now that you will all find comfort in your wonderful memories and in a truth I hold on to daily after my father passed, Fritz is not in your past but instead he has transitioned into your future! What a glorious reunion in heaven to look forward to. May your family be surrounded by the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit and in time that your mourning be turned to joy."  

What an incredible, faithful thought!  We all say when someone dies "Some day we will see them in Heaven", but how many of us look forward to it?  We anticipate life events like a graduation, marriage, family get togethers or the birth of a baby.  How many of us anticipate the reunion in heaven?  Why not?  

          Ultimately, our faith is suppose to prepare us for the journey to our death.  This life was never the true goal that God set for us.  Our earthly life is to live faithfully, to learn and give of ourselves for the benefit of others.  To HELP those less fortunate.  We are here as preparation for eternal life in Heaven.  This life tests us on a constant basis and when God calls us, we go!  So now, as Dinah said, we have a reunion to look forward to, with Uncle Fritz and so many others that God has called along the way!  

(As it turns out, Dinah shares her words of wisdom in a blog.  Check it out here:
http://dinahsdailydose.wordpress.com/)

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

You Don't Know...

                 

                         I am the Mom next to, behind or in front of you in the church pew.  I can hear the aggravation in your breathing.  I can feel your stares.  I can see your side way glances and your eye rolls. I have listened to your whispers about my child not participating properly in the mass.  I can see the look of horror in your eyes when my child does not receive communion or dances/runs/skips back to the pew on the rare occasion that my child can tolerate communion.  Then I see the gasps when my child returns chomping and/or gagging because it wasn't exactly what my child could tolerate that day.  Believe me, I know that my child's books/crayons/movements/talking are not appropriate for church (especially for her age)!  I am trying to teach my child to be a part of this giving and loving community.  Yes, my child leaves to go to the bathroom and 10 minutes later to get a drink of water.  Why does this bother you? No, my child can't sit still.  Yes, my child talks.  Yes, my child is disruptive.  Yes, my child crawls under the pews.  Yes, my child bounces her legs, shaking the whole pew.  Yes, my child chomps on gum.  I go through mass witnessing your actions on top of my child's actions and I get irritated, frustrated, emotional. I reprimand the best I can without making a bigger scene and I get more looks and frustrated whispers.  I suck back tears through most of the mass.  I leave in a much worse place than I was when I walked into this Church of God. The one place where we should be accepted! You are suppose to be my Christian Brothers & Sisters.  My child does not do these things to disrespect you or God.  My child does these things because, well, because it CANNOT be controlled.  My child is special needs.  My child has more than one diagnosis: PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified) an autism diagnosis, GAD (General Anxiety Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), and Impulse Control Disorder.  There are more, but we quit searching for another diagnosis to focus more on helping our child! My child looks "normal".   To most, my child appears spoiled, disrespectful and in need of discipline.
                                                                                                                                                              The reality is.... 

•  my child's maturity is lacking by at least 2 years, which makes socialization difficult and usually not appropriate. 
• my child's sensory system is so unregulated that sitting still is impossible, chewing on gum a must, climbing around needed, leaving for the bathroom a much needed "break".
• my child doesn't understand that what she does effects everyone else.
• my child has oral sensory sensitivities which make receiving Communion a huge challenge, not to mention many foods!
• my child is in a constant "fight" with the body and the brain!
• my child NEEDS your patience and understanding!

                Please, I beg of you, the next time you see a child "acting out" keep in mind what could possibly be going on.  Keep your whispers and eye rolls to yourself.  Dig deep and find some understanding. Don't judge the child or the parent.  Offer help if you can. Most importantly say a prayer for that child, the siblings, and the parents, every day is a struggle!