2012 Revelations

2012 brought me a lot of,  shall we say, 'revelations'! Things I have always known, but have really hit the mind (and heart) with power this year....

             Forgiving, especially those who have never really asked for forgiveness, is heart wrenching difficult.

              There are those that will never really 'get' your special needs child and looking beyond those people is proving more and more difficult as the years pass.

              Anxiety and fear can and will eventually ruin you and the relationships of everyone you hold dear.

               I yell way too much! 

              My wonderful children pick up my most horrible habits and never seem to show my most positive attributes!

              It is harder for some, than others, to let you have your own opinion.  They find it hard to look past it without arguing their point or to try to change your mind.  I am not easily swayed one way or the other. Others surprised me in being able to do this and it makes me appreciate their friendship even more! We are all entitled to our own views!

              Friends are not forever ~ LOVE is!

              Some of my best friends are friends I have never met, haven't seen in 20 plus years, or have only met briefly.  We share our lives through pictures and posts and they tend to be the most caring and supportive people I have the honor of knowing! 

               I spend way too much time on the phone with my real life friends (you know who you are)! The select few who really know me and really get me!

              My parents are getting old and I don't like it!

               I enjoy my immediate & extended family (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins) immensely, but do not get to spend nearly enough time with them.
  
              Being judgmental is human nature.  Not being judgmental proves difficult.

             The strongest, most educated, most beautiful, etc. is not always the winner!

              My morals will always beat out the popular idea, even if they are not always the most commonsensical to others.

              I am more sensitive than I am strong!

              It is very important to laugh at yourself!
   
              Everyone has a breaking point!

              Feeling broken does not make you any less of a human being!

              There are some peoples shoes I NEVER want to walk in and some I wish I could just to give them a break!

              Listening is better than any advice you could ever give.

              Laughing really is the best medicine, but a good cry is cleansing for the soul!

              Everything really does happen for a reason.  

              People cross paths! Some stay, some go, but all have an effect on your life!

              Tragedy brings people together.

               Angels exist.

              My Husband really does complete me!

              I love my children with all my heart and soul, but I am not a very good role model.  I am thankful they have people in their lives that are.

              Things we want don't always come to us and those we avoid seem to run smack into us!

              There will NEVER be enough time, so don't waste what you have.

               Always try!

               Be yourself, not who others see you as.

               God carries me more than I carry myself!

Although these are not all of them, they are the ones that really made an impact on my life this year.  Add some of yours in the comments below!

May you have a Happy, Peaceful & Successful 2013!  

               


  

Remember Thanksgiving?

Year after year Christmas gets its start earlier and earlier. This year it began before Halloween. Maybe it’s because of the recession, but really do we need to see Christmas before Halloween? It’s the retailer’s way of saying “You had better start your shopping before time runs out!” I have come to the conclusion that two very important factors are being forgotten: 1) Thanksgiving is a month before Christmas and 2) Christmas is the Christian celebration of the Birth of Jesus Christ, not a celebration of retail shopping! Okay, even if you aren’t a Christian and don’t celebrate Christmas as Jesus’ Birthday, it still has more meaning to it than buying ugly sweaters and unwanted doodads (we can save this subject for another time)! Too often people are forgetting these factors. Can we please put aside the Christmas decorations and the shopping and remember Thanksgiving this year??? We have a lot to be Thankful for in this World. I for one am thankful that I had this opportunity to share my thoughts with everyone who reads this.

It was a week before Thanksgiving and preparations had already started!

Decorations crowded the stores and the season shown in everyone’s smiles.

The air was brisk, as children prayed for snow.

Traffic was backed up every street corner I turned.

The Turkey’s thawing in the refrigerator,

The china and crystal have been cleaned.

The House is in tip, top shape, for the guests we will be greeting.

Not one cobweb can be seen, fluttering from the ceiling.

Grandma’s eyes are gleaming, while Grandpa is fast asleep in front of the TV.

Finally with one flip of the switch, THE CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS UP????

WHAT?

CHRISTMAS TREE?

What happened to Thanksgiving?

You know, turkey and stuffing, family and friends, a little football on the television!

Thanking our creator and each other, for what we truly love and have!

Thanking…Thanksgiving!!

They go hand in hand!

Have we forgotten this holiday that’s so important to our lives?

Can we not set one short season aside to say THANK YOU?

Thank you that we are alive?

Or have the presents, the trees, the lights and the hype of Christmas become so much that we have forgotten, not only Thanksgiving, but that it’s not presents but the Birth of Jesus Christ, that Christmas is about?

Thanksgiving has been forgotten much earlier this year…

The trees are up,

Christmas Carols are being blared.

Santa Clause has already come to town, weeks ago apparently!

So since people have forgotten to prepare for Thanksgiving this year

Here are the thanks that are in my heart….

Thank you for my life, health, family and friends!

The food that will be at my table when others will have none!

Thank you for my husband’s job and our home!

Thank you for my community that will share with those that have no one!

Thank you for my country, great land of liberty, and those that are protecting

us far from home!

Thank you for not letting me forget that Thanksgiving is a meaningful time of

our autumn season!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING and thank you for being you, my friends and family!

Copyright © November 12, 2009

Sandie Becker

My Parents

This was my Commemorative Speech from my college public speaking class. Some of it may be a "little" exaggerated, but for the most part it really hits on what life in the Murdoch household was like! 

Mom & Dad, every day should be Mother's & Father's day for the hell you have lived through having us kids! Love you both!

My Parents

My Parents!  Mom and Dad!  Who are they?  I am really not sure.  I have known them for 20 years and I still have not figured them out.  I watched them raise five kids, including myself, and am still watching them raise another.  I am really surprised they are still alive.  After all, we have put them through hell more than a dozen times and have given them plenty of opportunities to drop dead from a heart attack.  My parents have probably seen more stationary from schools than the schools knew they had.  They received notices for detentions, suspensions, progress reports, and letters from teachers.  So, they scolded us, cursed us, grounded us, starved us, took the car away from us and have even forbidden us to breathe.  Nothing worked.  Yet, they never gave us away.  They watched us terrorize their home, put holes in the walls; more holes than anyone could ever count, break each others bones, cut each others hair and on a good day they would sit back and watch the five of us in a pile screaming and punching, trying to hurt whoever got in the way.  Sometimes even drawing blood.  Yet, Mom and Dad, stood by us through everything.  They gave us money when we were broke and still do.  They were there through all our troubles,  boyfriends, girlfriends, our first encounter with alcohol, smoking, and drugs.  Through broken friendships, problems at school and even death.  They always had a word of advice, which of course, we never listened to.  Oh, by the way, no matter what my parents say they are not always right!  Sometimes I really wonder if they are even human at all!

Our parents brought us into this world and we all knew they could have taken us out of it!  I am the only girl out of five kids, and the only normal one!  I was not the worst of us kids, but I did my share of not so smart things.  I started the bathroom garbage on fire and I crashed the snowmobile into the neighbors house.  Fortunately, we can now sit back and laugh at the holes in the walls, the fire, the crash, and the time Rich threw Dave into the bathtub and busted the tile surround down. Yes, all of us lived through this!

Mom and Dad even took us on vacations, believe it or not!  Long drives in the station wagon with five kids fighting in the back.  We went on camping trips to a place called nowhere!  You know, "Where we going Dad?"  "Nowhere!  Now leave me alone!"  You never know what could happen on a trip like this, and if it could happen, it did.  Bee stings, poison ivy, scraped knee, raccoons stealing food out of the coolers, sunburns, stepping on a rock, the gutsy little fish nibbling on you while you were swimming, the boat overturning and so much more!  The soft-shell turtle that Dad thought was a log and scaring each other with fish heads!  Hard to believe they put up with us through all of this and still took us camping again!  Of course, we never thought us kids would come back from these trips alive!

We were always crying because of this or that; my new box of crayolas that melted all over the dash of the car, a broke toy, or because of a bump on the head.  There was always those stormy nights when we fit seven people in my parents bed and of course those agonizing screams from a bad dream or a monster under the bed!  Tears were shed for everything, big or little, as long as it made Mom and Dad miserable.  Talk about making them miserable, I must not forget the time our gerbil got out of the cage and made its way to our parents bed!  I won't get into details, but you can imagine what happened after that.  It all seams unreal that they never took us out back into the woods and shot every one of us!

They took care of us when we were sick, with only one complaint:  "Quit throwing up, I'm running out of towels."  We were always too scared to get up and run to the bathroom and even if we did, we never made it.  They were even there through the five of us having chicken pox!

You know those little phases that everyone goes through when they are growing up?  Well, my parents put up with those too.  One night after a long confidential meeting in their bedroom, Rich and Dave announced to Mom and Dad they were running away.  Mom bundled them up because it was the dead of winter, and sent them on their way.  Needless to say, it was dark and they came back in a hurry asking for a ride.  After minutes of begging and getting no where, they decided to stay until morning.  Mom said it was now or never.  So, life in the Murdoch house went on as always!

My parents have seen it all!  They are still here, hopefully to see a whole lot more.  I guess they'll always be raising us kids in their own little way.  Teaching us right from wrong and all of life's little mysteries.  One day they'll be sitting back laughing as we try to do the same with our kids.  They always said "Wait until you have kids, you'll see!"  Of course, we all swore our kids would be angels, unlike the terrors we were, and if they weren't then they would be spending an awful lot of time at Grandma & Grandpa's house!  Some day we will all learn exactly what they meant!

So the question remains;  Who are my parents?  I still haven't figured it out!  Superhuman?  Maybe not, but I do know that they are terrific parents that really love us a lot!

I should note, that after I got married they up and left for Arizona, something we were all pretty shocked by!  Our kids ARE all terrors and they really don't get to spend nearly enough time with Grammie & Papa!  :)  I'm sure they are having a good laugh at our expense!

Another Milestone....

            Tomorrow will mark the end of Lilly's fifth year at Eisenhower Academy.  They have a ceremony called Fifth Grade Farewell before they move on to Junior High.  Eisenhower has been an incredible experience for Lilly and has really helped her grow academically and as a person.  Lilly completed first through fifth grade on high honors, every quarter, all five years.  I am, we are, so incredibly proud of her!  As we celebrate this amazing milestone though, I am also completely broken!  Crying for Maggie!  That she will NEVER have this opportunity!  That I was not able to heal her to a point that she could accomplish this or that she could have the chance to even try!  So often, I feel like such a complete failure in everything I have tried for her!  I had to accept a long time ago, that even though her IQ is through the roof, that she probably was not going to be given the opportunities that Annabelle & Lilly have had.  It doesn't mean I don't fight every day to get her there!  It most definitely does not mean that it doesn't break my heart! Over and over, again!  As her Mother, it devastates me!  I watch those days of complete and total "normalcy" between Maggie, Lilly and Annabelle, where they are equal!  Where Maggie's brilliance shines through with her sisters!  I ask, why not every day?  What are we missing?  It is painstaking!  She has missed out on the academic cultivation that Eisenhower could have given her, going to the same school as her sisters, the incredible music program Dist 86 offers and the friendship of kids in the same area!  I feel there is so much more for her, like she is being held back when she should be excelling!  It exhausts me! As we search for a preschool that is a right fit for Murdoch, the same feelings hit.  I am so thankful that our other children don't have the same struggles that Maggie has, but I know I will feel the same as Murdoch begins hitting his milestones!  It will be a continuous vicious cycle.  As I sit in Eisenhower's Gym tomorrow, I will beam with pride and excitement for Lilly!  I will keep it about her, but I guarantee there will be tears of both joy, for Lilly, and sadness, for Maggie!


 

A Day In The Life of...

...PDD-NOS, Sensory Processing Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, ADHD & Impulse Control Disorder!

It isn't right!

The craziness,

The chaos!

Jumping...screaming

Crying...laughing

Bumping...rolling

Pounding...hitting

IT'S ALL WRONG!

Too tired....can't sleep,

Too loud...too quiet

Turn it up...turn it down

SHUT UP!  Please?

Too soft...too crunchy

It smells...it doesn't

Icky...yummy

I DON'T LIKE THAT!

It hurts...it tickles

Hug me....squeeze me

Carry me...put me down

LEAVE ME ALONE!

Too hot...too cold

Too itchy...too soft

Too short...too long

Too loose...to tight

IT DOESN'T FIT RIGHT!

SCHOOL'S STUPID!

I CAN'T DO IT!

IT'S DISGUSTING!

YOU'RE HURTING ME!

MY BRAIN HATES ME!

MAKE IT GO AWAY!

ARGH!

MOMMY?

I LOVE YOU!

In the midst of the chaos, there is greatness! It is just my wish that the greatness would rescind the chaos! ~ Sandra Becker

* Almost four years since I originally posted this and I can tell you there is hope and the greatness does eventually rescind the chaos...and it's BEAUTIFUL!!

 

 

Another Birthday

Maggie turned 9 today.  Yesterday we celebrated with her siblings and one of her Uncles, an Aunt and two of her cousins.  It was a good day for her.  She received a new bike from us and a doll from her cousins that she had been wanting.  However, for the past 2 months have been spent telling her she cannot have a slumber birthday party.  She has one friend she could invite and her cousin who is 4 yrs the younger.  When she was in first grade we were able to have a swimming party at the park districts indoor pool for her with all the girls from her class.  This was the year she spent in an inclusion classroom and had really grown as far as attending school went.  She had a very disciplined teacher and a special education teacher that had gone to a seminar to understand her primary diagnosis, Sensory Processing Disorder.  She was doing INCREDIBLE in this classroom. She had an absolutely wonderful time.  She was, well, a normal kid on this day.  She was a normal 7 year old.  The stimulation didn't bother her, her auditory was on track, her maturity and social skills were both completely age appropriate.  This day was nothing short of MIRACULOUS.  By the time she entered 2nd grade a lot had changed at her school and change is not a good thing for Maggie!  After a rough start, classroom changes and med changes we eventually had to remove her from her school to an out of district school.  She spends her days in a classroom with other children that have diagnosed behavior, emotional, neurological and mental impairments and disabilities.  These children are all there from various school districts surrounding the school, and they are ALL boys.  You can't exactly have a princess party with a group of boys or a slumber party for that matter.  It has proven heartbreaking for me to continually tell her no.  To try and reason with her.  To try and reassure her.  I honestly thought that having the day off of school for her birthday would be considered awesome to her.  Not so much!  It isn't that she wants to be at school, but it has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster ride today.  She was sure that she was having a party even though we had not invited anyone over and there were no invitations.  She was sure that even though I had said no several dozen times over the past 2 months that there was in fact going to be a slumber party.  She is in fact devastated by it all!  Another birthday of feeling like a complete failure as a parent!  Another day of not having a clue how to make it all better.  Just another birthday!

Nightmare Weekly Appointment

We made our weekly outing to Planet Chiropractic last night.  It is the same routine every week.  We go in, do our exercises, get adjusted, spend 5 minutes with head weights, maybe pick up supplements or pay and go home.  I remind Maggie to not touch things that she isn't suppose to and don't go in rooms, specifically the x-ray room, that she is not allowed in.  This week I forgot the reminders, but you would think that after 14 months of going weekly that it would be a habit.  Not so much!  Here is yet another example of Impulse Control Disorder!  I hate this disorder!  Not that I like any of her disorders, but I really hate this one! 

Another difference with this visit was that we were having our re-exams.  A simple and quick scan of our spine.  Maggie, Lilly and I went in first while Annabelle sat with Murdoch.  Maggie finished and I sent her out to get adjusted and then told her to go sit in the play area, then Lilly and I sent her out to get Annabelle and have her adjustment.  I had my scan and Annabelle came in the room.  They gave Annabelle her scan, Dr. Wolf left the room so we could get dressed and CRASH!  "I hope that wasn't Maggie!"  I said to Annabelle.  (Insert scary Annabelle face.) I leave the room and Dr. Majors says "She broke a picture in the x-ray room."  UGH!  Once again I feel defeated, lost, angry, stressed and ultimately embarrassed!  I want to cry, bury my head and crawl away never to be seen again.  Maggie is with Dr. Jenna and I ask her what happened.  She doesn't really have an answer.  Excuses basically.  I can't even manage an "I'm sorry!" to Dr. Majors or I will break down.  I send her back to the front, I do my head weights for 5 minutes, which involved Lilly coming in three times to tell me how much Maggie is annoying her and won't leave her alone.  I send her out three times.  I walk out to the front to find them in the chairs pushing and shoving as Annabelle is oblivious listening to her music and Murdoch is running around like a banshee! I sit down to talk to Maggie and Lilly and next thing you know Murdoch is crying!  Really?  I look at Annabelle and she said he hit his head on the ground.  So I am trying to quiet him down and Maggie is up and in everyone's way.  I feel like I have the world watching me, judging me, convicting me of motherly stupidity and negligence!  I just need to get them out!  Get myself OUT!   NOW!

Finally out the door and into the van, I am buckling Murdoch and I say, "Why can't we just be NORMAL for 30 minutes!"  I knew as I was saying it that I shouldn't be saying it.  I couldn't believe I said it, but it was out there! 
Annabelle, without missing a beat, "We aren't NORMAL MOM!  We will NEVER be a NORMAL family!" 
I whisper, "Yes I know!  What I meant, Annabelle, is normal, in the sense of behavior!" 
Annabelle whispers, "Oh, sorry!"

Again, UGH!  Finally home, I ask Maggie again about the picture.  I ask her what was on it and she tells me words.  I asked what the words said and she said she doesn't know.  I ask how do you not know what it said?  If you were close enough to knock it down, you should know what it said.  Her response, "My brain told me I needed to touch it!"  I wanted to fall to the floor and cry.  We haven't heard the words "My brain...." in eight months.  She hasn't described anything using those words for so long and I was so happy to have them gone!  I know that when she uses those words that her body is in chaos and it breaks me!  All I could do was hug her and remind her about not touching, not being in the room, etc. 

At 8 years old Maggie is so immature, yet she is so smart and aware of what her brain and body are doing.  Hatefully aware!  I will do everything I can to keep the cycle from repeating, but this is where the anxiety and anger increase, and any self-esteem she has disappears!  Meltdowns become dominant and self hatred presides!   Her impulses are stronger, her sensory system unregulated, and her mind on overdrive.  We will conquer, I will cry, a lot, and things will get ridiculously frenzied.  Everyone will feel jilted, but we will come out much stronger than before!  During these chaotic times I have to remember that we are still better off than most and look to the positive of everything my kids are!

Anybody There?

This, by the way, is not meant in any way to make any of our friends feel bad.  It is merely meant for others to know they are not alone!  It may even bring some awareness to others.

I often times ponder what happened to all those awesome friendships we had before kids.  Well, really there was never a "before we had kids"!  Cam Jr. was there from day 1, he was 2 when Camron and I started dating.  Now, granted, he wasn't a 24/7 child for us, but he was just easy!  We could take him anywhere with us and he was happy.  Hanging out at the park, playing pool, going to friends, camping, fishing, canoeing, cooking out, it didn't matter.  He was a constant to our weekends.  We could take him to the car shows and boat shows, things like that.  Eventually though our friends just started to dropped off, some because their lives got busy with their own families.  Some because the older the kids got, the harder it was to go elsewhere and actually count on having a good time. It was actually pretty simple to take Annabelle & Lilly out of the house.  With a four year difference between them, Annabelle was self sufficient and pretty mature for the little 4 year old that she was.  There is a 9 year difference between Cam Jr. and Annabelle, so when he was with us, he actually was very helpful.  It wasn't until Lilly turned 1 and I found out I was pregnant that it became difficult.  Of course!  I was constantly fatigued, and maybe it just became habit, but I didn't want to go anywhere!  Maggie came along when Lilly was just 20 months old.  We really didn't have many difficulties with her early on, but it was just simply hard to get out of the house in an organized, non chaotic manner that didn't stress me out.  Most of our friends already had kids, most of them older than ours, and they had their routines.  It seemed we were always headed to someones, for something.  Eventually it got to the point that I was just declining the invites because it was difficult to get out.  We were NEVER on time, EVER!  The older Maggie got, the harder the hits.  People just didn't get that it would be so much easier for them to come to us.  We didn't know what was going on with her.  We just knew it was hard.  A kind of hard that made it grueling and exhausting just to think about it.  No one really understood!  I always felt I was under judgement.  I was actually told once that I made everything more difficult than I needed to.  Murdoch came along when Maggie was 5,  just 9 months into our discoveries of her alphabet soup of diagnosis'.  We tried to put the invites out for our friends to come here and it was always "But we have more room.  Come over here!"  The difficulties, especially with Maggie, grew more and more frustrating.  I can't tell you how many times I had to go off on my own to release the tears, recompose myself, and come back with a smile.  I cry now at the very thought of those days.  You couldn't take your eyes off of her.  There were times that I thought things were going well while we were out and I would relax a bit, but someone would always come back with "Maggie is...."  or we simply wouldn't be able to find her.  We didn't enjoy being out and the other kids had to suffer because of it.  I would be naive to say it didn't affect them.  I know that it still does.  It's not like I can just pack them up and run out with them on my own.  They feed off each other way too much, then everyone is frustrated, angry or crying.  You can't take them into a store or to the mall.  It is either take one of them or leave them all.  The only places we go together now is to gatherings at relatives and to church.  Thank God church is only an hour long, because it is arduous!  Holidays have become much easier with Maggie, but her maturity is still lacking.  She does things socially that you would expect out of a 6 or 7 year old and she is almost 9.  Things that people often times question and children don't understand.  Did you know that there is actually a diagnosis of Impulse Control Disorder?  Maggie is the epitome of Impulse Control Disorder.  She seriously cannot help herself.  Of course, I have been told that I make excuses for her also.  So, who really knows!  I always thought that I would spend my weekends with my friends and their families hanging out.  Kids playing together, some great adult conversation (that I so desperately need), and some compassion and understanding to boot!  That hasn't worked out so great for us!  Friends are few and far between these days.  Even though Belle is old enough to babysit,  we really can't expect her to be able to handle the chaos that the younger ones dish out, just so we can go hang out with friends.  I know, deep down, that the most important thing is, that we have gained so much more through our children, but I miss our friends!

Teenage Angst

Defiance: Open resistance; bold disobedience.

        As our 14 year old is quickly trying to discover who she is and what she wants, she is throwing everything she knows out the window.  Thus the word, DEFIANCE!  There have been four constants to her life: softball, drawing, volleyball and violin.  What we have come to realize is that because we enjoy that she does these things, she must eliminate them!  She dumped volleyball at the beginning of the school year, softball last Tuesday and just Tuesday night we came out of violin lesson with her intent on quitting her lessons.  Unfortunately I cannot physically pick her up and take her to these activities and force her to participate.  I was ready to cry.  She has talent!  The problem, she doesn't want to work towards better!  I gave her the typical parental talk!  Told her how lucky she is to have so many great opportunities to better herself and how all of these things will help in preparing her for great opportunities in college and beyond.  How she doesn't have to be a professional at any of them, but they will benefit her.  Most importantly, I told her, I don't want to hear in 10 years how I didn't push her to continue and how she wished I had!  I never, ever want to hear those words from my kids mouths!  She of course, huffed and sighed and rolled her eyes at me.  She yelled at me because, well, because I am apparently an idiot.  No, really, she accused me of claiming to know what she wants and what she thinks.  That I must be, in her words, a fricken' magician!  (She is very good with rhyming also.)

        Her newest infatuation is the bass guitar.  Camron got her a used bass guitar a few months ago and for Christmas she received a small amp so she could practice.  Really, for as badly as she wanted it, she isn't putting much time into it!  Of course, that is also our fault.  We have not provided enough space and time for her to practice.  We get that there is chaos in this house on a constant basis, but if you want to do something and better yourself, you will find a way!  Sitting in front of the TV during your free time isn't going to improve your bass, violin, volleyball or softball abilities!  The important thing is that I managed to keep my cool through this (there is that patience thing again)!  I wanted to yell and scream and tell her what a stupid decision this was, but I held it together, although VERY ticked off!  We made it home and I let her go to her room and cry and call me every name in the book.  After some time had passed I went up and told her that she #1 - couldn't expect us not to be mad about it and #2 - couldn't avoid hearing any of the things we had to say about it.  Then I left and told her to absorb it all.  Camron and I ultimately decided that completely quitting violin lessons was out since 4 months prior she wanted to try out for Symphony Orchestra at school and the local Metropolitan Youth Symphony Orchestra.  Not to mention she just got a new violin in August!  So we decided to COMPROMISE with a 14 year old.  I know, crazy!  We told her that she could take the rest of January off!  Starting in February she would go to violin lessons every other week and as long as she continued to practice and go to lessons that she could have bass lessons on the opposite weeks.  You know what she said?  She said, "Oh, Okay!"  I said, "HUH?"  She agreed.

         Now I know, having dealt with so many of Maggie's difficulties, that she needs more structure.  A total overhaul of her schedule.  The big question is how do you do this with a 14 year old without the fight!  I have already decided I am done with the constant drama that runs rapid through our house, so how do I do this in a nice calm, melancholy way so she won't notice?  This should be fun!  I am sure there will be many more upcoming posts regarding this subject!  Stay tuned!  I will begin today after school enforcing the violin practice!  Send me some good juju!

"You ain't suppose to be sick!"

Originally posted on Wednesday, December 16, 2009 at 9:41am on my Facebook

This is an old one, but pretty funny!

After 6 days of feeling like total crap, still playing Super Mom, not sleeping well and trying to actually get some shopping done for Christmas I decided, at 4:50 last night, when I should have been making dinner to lay down on the couch. I was done, exhausted and just couldn't handle being upright any longer. Annabelle was doing her homework in the front room, Lilly, Maggie and Murdoch were in the TV room with me, Camron wasn't home from work yet and Cam Jr had left for work. It wasn't exactly a peaceful doze, but it was good enough! Around 6:00 p.m. I had this conversation with Lilly and Maggie:

Twig: Mom what's for dinner?
Me: Nothing!
Twig: What?
Me: Nothing!
Maggie: Why not?
Me: Because I'm sick.
Twig (In dramatic Twiggy fashion): You're just going to let us starve?!
Me: Yes!
Maggie: You're not sick!
Me: I'm not?
Maggie: You ain't suppose to be sick!
Me: But I am.
Twig (again in dramatic Twiggy fashion): So, really you're just gonna let us starve?!
Me: Yes!
Maggie: Are you sure your sick?
Twig: I can't believe you!
Me: Go call your Dad!

Twiggy returned a couple minutes later with the phone:

Twig: Here, it's Dad!
Me: Hello.
Dad: What's wrong?
Me: What did she tell you?
Dad: That you WON'T make them dinner.

I, of course, laughed!

I went on to tell Camron the whole conversation and as he laughed his way through it, Twig was still in dramatic fashion going on about how I'm gonna let them starve and then Annabelle finally chimes in "So I don't have to make them anything right?". Gotta love it! In the end no one starved to death, they all got something to eat as Super Mom came to the rescue with corn dogs, tater tots, grilled cheese, veggie burgers, and peas!

Puzzled by the Puzzle

Originally posted to my Facebook Notes: Tuesday, November 2, 2010 at 10:02pm

I have a puzzle

That is quite difficult

None of the pieces seem to fit!

I've tried this way and that

Upside down, to the left, to the right

None of the pieces are tight!

It's quite a struggle

My mind is numb

My heart exhausted, It's all wrong! 

I have stretched my patience

Kept my composure

Yet silently cry into the night

I'll never give up

This puzzle is far to beautiful

Given to me whole and seemingly perfect!

Yet day by day this puzzle was changing

Things went wrong and pieces would move

My puzzle weeps from it's depths!

It knows more than you think

Aware of the confusion and chaos

That makes it's existence hell in our world!

My puzzle, can't you see, is my beautiful girl

Day by day we piece her together

Hoping today, if just for today, the pieces fit!

The Imperfect Puzzle:  Magnificent Maggie

Sandie Becker

Copyright August, 2009

From My Heart

Previously posted in my Facebook Notes


I have given you my all
     and every day I find more
     that I never knew was there.
I have taken you as far
     as our money will take you
     in the medical world.
I have tried to get you beyond the scope
     but "experimental" is out of reach,
     they don't see the NEED!
I have promised you, FOREVER, I will
    help you cope...
    and I will NEVER stop fighting!

You have come so far, my sweet child,
     Oh, if you could only see what I see.
You have succeeded beyond the experts expectations
      but you only feel failure within.
You have cried and begged for another brain,
      but you are so highly intelligent
      you don't realize where you can go!

I have watched countless tears
     I couldn't wipe away
     because you couldn't let me near.
I have missed an abundance of hugs
     because you couldn't be touched.
I have missed thousands of smiles
     because you didn't want to be looked at.
I have seen countless physically, scary meltdowns
      that have left me helpless and broken,
      scared for your life!

Then magically I see these days,
      the light emitting, total radiance,
      it's in your eyes, your smile, your laugh....You are home!

I know now, I can't fix you....
      there's no fixing to be done.
God dealt us this hand
      and he will provide.
We just have to follow the path
      that will take us there.
We will show the world, as God intended,
      that you are not broken.
First, I have to show you,
      Your worth,
        Your beauty,
          Your being,
            Your love,
             Your heart....
That SCREAMS....."I am here!"

Copyright © 2011

New Year! New Who?

End of the Pity Party:  I don't need a new me!  I need to find the old ME!

           Having Kids with special needs sets you up for a life of "The poor me" syndrome!  You can fall into a depressive, angry state of life without even realizing it.  Daily pity parties become a way of life and before you realize it years have passed.  Where did all the fun go?  Time to move on and upward from this type of life!  I woke up with only a few days left to 2011 and decided enough was enough!  I couldn't live like this anymore.  I have not only turned myself into an abominable mess of a person, but my children are now living an anxiety ridden, miserable being!  Where to start?  It is all in the attitude!  Yep, that is all it takes!  Enough of the yelling, talking down and anger.  I started to realize how much of my pity parties were about my selfishness over ridiculous things!  I have kids, why would I think I was ever going to sleep in again or get to watch television that wasn't rated G!  I had to stop and think about why I had kids and why I wanted them to begin with!  Life isn't suppose to be like this!  Why am I so unhappy?  Well, this is where I started and the path I am trying to continue on for 2012!

1. ACCEPT: Accepting the imperfection (not dysfunction) of our family was the most important!  I could not expect perfection in life when I myself could not produce it, let alone expect if from my kids or hubby!
2.  CHILL OUT:  The anxiety I produce affects everyone around me!  This had to be a very conscious effort.  I stress over everything, things I cannot change, and it can and will take over life!
3. SMILE & LAUGH:  I never smile or laugh anymore!  When, on the rare occasion that I did, it actually hurt because I wasn't use to it! Now I find myself standing in the door way watching my kids goofy antics and smiling at them instead of yelling at them.
4. THEY ARE KIDS:  Remind yourself of this!  I'm not saying let them run the house.  I still yell and get irritated.  Just remember they are suppose to have fun, not act like adults!
5. THINGS:  Quit looking for things to make you happy!  Teach your children this (I have totally failed at this)!  Keeping up with the Jones' is not getting you anywhere. Time is all you really need, TOGETHER!  Sometimes ALONE! Sometimes a date with your SPOUSE (or significant other)!
6. SUPPORT: You will need to be upset, sad, angry, etc. You will need to vent without laying all on your kids.  Find a friend who gets it or find a group.  I found mine on Facebook through a group called Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid.  A group for parents of Special Needs Children.  There are a lot of people that do not care for the title of this group or the book written by Gina Gallagher and Patricia Konjoian. However, through this group, I found a judgement free zone of love, caring and understanding.  I also found a way to give back by simply being able to say to others "I get it"!  There are many on-line support groups, find one that is right for you!
7. DROP THE DRAMA:  I realized I can be as big of a drama queen as my kids! (Need I say more?)
8. PICK YOUR BATTLES:  Is it a big deal if your 7 year old goes to bed wearing a winter hat when the heat index is 112? Or, for that matter, if your 10 year old is running around the house in a tank top and shorts when there is a -10 degree wind chill?
9. MANNERS: Remember the age old saying "Do as I say, not as I do."?  That is out the door.  I found if I am polite with a please and thank you then my kids are typically very accommodating to my requests.  If I demand things of them, they give me attitude.
10. LOVE: "All you need is Love!"  Lennon knew what he was talking about.  Hugs and kisses all around make for happier children, making for happier parents!

           Think of your own ways to have a "Happy" Life!  I could go on forever with this.  End the Pity Party and find the old you!

Patience Please

Here is a past post I wrote that was only published on Facebook.  It gives you a little background and the reasons for a lot of my craziness. 
                 

                      There came a time when Annabelle was 4 and Lilly was newborn and I was begging God on a daily basis for patience.  Where is it?  I can't do this!  Hello?  Are you listening God?  Nothing.  I battled and battled daily not to explode and couldn't understand why God wasn't helping me.  I spent the first year of Annabelle's life home with her and thoroughly enjoyed it, and was now again three years later doing it again with Lilly.  Only this time was much different.  I had a very active 4 year old to deal with as well as Lilly as a baby.  I was sleep deprived and overwhelmed in every aspect of my life.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to work, but WOW was this hard!!  I was still praying 15 times a day for patience and still didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.   A year later I found out I was pregnant again.  I was very excited for another chance to have a boy!  In Camron's mind we were done having kids so it was a bit of a shock to him!  Of course things got harder. I had literally just finished nursing Lilly, Annabelle was turning 5 and starting Kindergarten in a couple months, I was exhausted.  God, where is that patience I keep asking for?  Again, nothing!  Daily tribulations continued.  I fought myself to stay in control and continued on with life!  Maggie came along 4 months before Lilly's 2nd birthday.  Seemingly perfect!  Perfect APGAR, perfect face, 10 fingers, 10 toes!  She nursed, she slept....Life was good, except for that patience thing!  As time went on and the girls got older, I really was in need of patience.  Begging God, PLEASE SEND ME SOME PATIENCE!  NOTHING!  As Maggie got older we noticed little things didn't seem right, she wouldn't respond when talked to, but her hearing tested fine, her vocabulary was slim at best, but improved quickly after mention to the pediatrician, eye contact was little, she would NEVER EVER wear clothes, pulled her diapers off constantly, would rip pony tails out of her hair, and was impossible to potty train, constantly fighting with her sisters.  I needed that patience more than ever now!  Maggie started preschool in September after her 4th Birthday on February 20.  We didn't get very far into it when the teacher was complaining daily, Maggie won't listen, Maggie won't share, Maggie is screaming at us, Maggie is hitting staff.  I took her to the Pediatrician and he immediately said Sensory Processing Disorder.  I said "What?"  We went and had her evaluated with an Occupational Therapist, Physical Therapist and Speech Therapist.  They felt she only needed OT.  It was an hourly struggle with Maggie.  Her brain couldn't process her senses properly basically causing a traffic jam of signals to the brain.  The poor girl was in total chaos all the time.  I read books, researched on the web, changed her diet, but it did very little for her.  PATIENCE WHERE ARE YOU?  What?  I'm pregnant again?  Um, God, I asked for patience not another baby!  Thank God it was a boy!  Murdoch was born June, 2008.  Psst God, where is that patience?  We have struggled as a family through the past 4 years and added ADHD, General Anxiety Disorder, Impulse Control Disorder and even have an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis.  We have tried so many things and so many things are out there that could help, but insurance won't cover them because they are experimental and we would have been out on the street long ago had we tried to pay out of pocket.  In the mean time I learned you had to take things minute by minute with Maggie because her senses could change in a nanosecond.    I would hear from friends & family what a great Mom I was and how incredibly PATIENT I was.  I would say "Are you crazy?"!  I still felt on the edge, I was losing my mind.  My whole sense of self was out the window a long time ago.  God help me, I thought!  Then it hit me the other night as I was standing outside in the frigid winter cold watching it snow (yes I was hiding from the kids), He answered me the day Maggie was born!  God gave me Maggie and every bit of her quirks to show me that I had it all along.  He was saying "Hey Sandie, you already have the patience, you just have to dig down inside and find it!"  I didn't have a choice with Maggie.  Maggie couldn't stand for impatience, it would just set her off and make things worse.  It took me a while to figure this out, and I still lose it once in awhile, but I am a better and more patient mom because of Maggie! Annabelle & Lilly both also deal with some of the same sensory issues that Maggie does, just not to the same extreme & they both have ADHD. Patience is not an easy thing with 3 girls, especially 3 who all have disorders!  I guess some of those people are right, I am patient.  So I no longer ask God "Why would you trust me with a child with so many difficulties?"  I know why, I asked God for patience!