Patience Please

Here is a past post I wrote that was only published on Facebook.  It gives you a little background and the reasons for a lot of my craziness. 
                 

                      There came a time when Annabelle was 4 and Lilly was newborn and I was begging God on a daily basis for patience.  Where is it?  I can't do this!  Hello?  Are you listening God?  Nothing.  I battled and battled daily not to explode and couldn't understand why God wasn't helping me.  I spent the first year of Annabelle's life home with her and thoroughly enjoyed it, and was now again three years later doing it again with Lilly.  Only this time was much different.  I had a very active 4 year old to deal with as well as Lilly as a baby.  I was sleep deprived and overwhelmed in every aspect of my life.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to work, but WOW was this hard!!  I was still praying 15 times a day for patience and still didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.   A year later I found out I was pregnant again.  I was very excited for another chance to have a boy!  In Camron's mind we were done having kids so it was a bit of a shock to him!  Of course things got harder. I had literally just finished nursing Lilly, Annabelle was turning 5 and starting Kindergarten in a couple months, I was exhausted.  God, where is that patience I keep asking for?  Again, nothing!  Daily tribulations continued.  I fought myself to stay in control and continued on with life!  Maggie came along 4 months before Lilly's 2nd birthday.  Seemingly perfect!  Perfect APGAR, perfect face, 10 fingers, 10 toes!  She nursed, she slept....Life was good, except for that patience thing!  As time went on and the girls got older, I really was in need of patience.  Begging God, PLEASE SEND ME SOME PATIENCE!  NOTHING!  As Maggie got older we noticed little things didn't seem right, she wouldn't respond when talked to, but her hearing tested fine, her vocabulary was slim at best, but improved quickly after mention to the pediatrician, eye contact was little, she would NEVER EVER wear clothes, pulled her diapers off constantly, would rip pony tails out of her hair, and was impossible to potty train, constantly fighting with her sisters.  I needed that patience more than ever now!  Maggie started preschool in September after her 4th Birthday on February 20.  We didn't get very far into it when the teacher was complaining daily, Maggie won't listen, Maggie won't share, Maggie is screaming at us, Maggie is hitting staff.  I took her to the Pediatrician and he immediately said Sensory Processing Disorder.  I said "What?"  We went and had her evaluated with an Occupational Therapist, Physical Therapist and Speech Therapist.  They felt she only needed OT.  It was an hourly struggle with Maggie.  Her brain couldn't process her senses properly basically causing a traffic jam of signals to the brain.  The poor girl was in total chaos all the time.  I read books, researched on the web, changed her diet, but it did very little for her.  PATIENCE WHERE ARE YOU?  What?  I'm pregnant again?  Um, God, I asked for patience not another baby!  Thank God it was a boy!  Murdoch was born June, 2008.  Psst God, where is that patience?  We have struggled as a family through the past 4 years and added ADHD, General Anxiety Disorder, Impulse Control Disorder and even have an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis.  We have tried so many things and so many things are out there that could help, but insurance won't cover them because they are experimental and we would have been out on the street long ago had we tried to pay out of pocket.  In the mean time I learned you had to take things minute by minute with Maggie because her senses could change in a nanosecond.    I would hear from friends & family what a great Mom I was and how incredibly PATIENT I was.  I would say "Are you crazy?"!  I still felt on the edge, I was losing my mind.  My whole sense of self was out the window a long time ago.  God help me, I thought!  Then it hit me the other night as I was standing outside in the frigid winter cold watching it snow (yes I was hiding from the kids), He answered me the day Maggie was born!  God gave me Maggie and every bit of her quirks to show me that I had it all along.  He was saying "Hey Sandie, you already have the patience, you just have to dig down inside and find it!"  I didn't have a choice with Maggie.  Maggie couldn't stand for impatience, it would just set her off and make things worse.  It took me a while to figure this out, and I still lose it once in awhile, but I am a better and more patient mom because of Maggie! Annabelle & Lilly both also deal with some of the same sensory issues that Maggie does, just not to the same extreme & they both have ADHD. Patience is not an easy thing with 3 girls, especially 3 who all have disorders!  I guess some of those people are right, I am patient.  So I no longer ask God "Why would you trust me with a child with so many difficulties?"  I know why, I asked God for patience!