Thursday, January 19, 2012

Teenage Angst

Defiance: Open resistance; bold disobedience.

        As our 14 year old is quickly trying to discover who she is and what she wants, she is throwing everything she knows out the window.  Thus the word, DEFIANCE!  There have been four constants to her life: softball, drawing, volleyball and violin.  What we have come to realize is that because we enjoy that she does these things, she must eliminate them!  She dumped volleyball at the beginning of the school year, softball last Tuesday and just Tuesday night we came out of violin lesson with her intent on quitting her lessons.  Unfortunately I cannot physically pick her up and take her to these activities and force her to participate.  I was ready to cry.  She has talent!  The problem, she doesn't want to work towards better!  I gave her the typical parental talk!  Told her how lucky she is to have so many great opportunities to better herself and how all of these things will help in preparing her for great opportunities in college and beyond.  How she doesn't have to be a professional at any of them, but they will benefit her.  Most importantly, I told her, I don't want to hear in 10 years how I didn't push her to continue and how she wished I had!  I never, ever want to hear those words from my kids mouths!  She of course, huffed and sighed and rolled her eyes at me.  She yelled at me because, well, because I am apparently an idiot.  No, really, she accused me of claiming to know what she wants and what she thinks.  That I must be, in her words, a fricken' magician!  (She is very good with rhyming also.)

        Her newest infatuation is the bass guitar.  Camron got her a used bass guitar a few months ago and for Christmas she received a small amp so she could practice.  Really, for as badly as she wanted it, she isn't putting much time into it!  Of course, that is also our fault.  We have not provided enough space and time for her to practice.  We get that there is chaos in this house on a constant basis, but if you want to do something and better yourself, you will find a way!  Sitting in front of the TV during your free time isn't going to improve your bass, violin, volleyball or softball abilities!  The important thing is that I managed to keep my cool through this (there is that patience thing again)!  I wanted to yell and scream and tell her what a stupid decision this was, but I held it together, although VERY ticked off!  We made it home and I let her go to her room and cry and call me every name in the book.  After some time had passed I went up and told her that she #1 - couldn't expect us not to be mad about it and #2 - couldn't avoid hearing any of the things we had to say about it.  Then I left and told her to absorb it all.  Camron and I ultimately decided that completely quitting violin lessons was out since 4 months prior she wanted to try out for Symphony Orchestra at school and the local Metropolitan Youth Symphony Orchestra.  Not to mention she just got a new violin in August!  So we decided to COMPROMISE with a 14 year old.  I know, crazy!  We told her that she could take the rest of January off!  Starting in February she would go to violin lessons every other week and as long as she continued to practice and go to lessons that she could have bass lessons on the opposite weeks.  You know what she said?  She said, "Oh, Okay!"  I said, "HUH?"  She agreed.

         Now I know, having dealt with so many of Maggie's difficulties, that she needs more structure.  A total overhaul of her schedule.  The big question is how do you do this with a 14 year old without the fight!  I have already decided I am done with the constant drama that runs rapid through our house, so how do I do this in a nice calm, melancholy way so she won't notice?  This should be fun!  I am sure there will be many more upcoming posts regarding this subject!  Stay tuned!  I will begin today after school enforcing the violin practice!  Send me some good juju!





"You ain't suppose to be sick!"

Originally posted on Wednesday, December 16, 2009 at 9:41am on my Facebook

This is an old one, but pretty funny!

After 6 days of feeling like total crap, still playing Super Mom, not sleeping well and trying to actually get some shopping done for Christmas I decided, at 4:50 last night, when I should have been making dinner to lay down on the couch. I was done, exhausted and just couldn't handle being upright any longer. Annabelle was doing her homework in the front room, Lilly, Maggie and Murdoch were in the TV room with me, Camron wasn't home from work yet and Cam Jr had left for work. It wasn't exactly a peaceful doze, but it was good enough! Around 6:00 p.m. I had this conversation with Lilly and Maggie:

Twig: Mom what's for dinner?
Me: Nothing!
Twig: What?
Me: Nothing!
Maggie: Why not?
Me: Because I'm sick.
Twig (In dramatic Twiggy fashion): You're just going to let us starve?!
Me: Yes!
Maggie: You're not sick!
Me: I'm not?
Maggie: You ain't suppose to be sick!
Me: But I am.
Twig (again in dramatic Twiggy fashion): So, really you're just gonna let us starve?!
Me: Yes!
Maggie: Are you sure your sick?
Twig: I can't believe you!
Me: Go call your Dad!

Twiggy returned a couple minutes later with the phone:

Twig: Here, it's Dad!
Me: Hello.
Dad: What's wrong?
Me: What did she tell you?
Dad: That you WON'T make them dinner.

I, of course, laughed!

I went on to tell Camron the whole conversation and as he laughed his way through it, Twig was still in dramatic fashion going on about how I'm gonna let them starve and then Annabelle finally chimes in "So I don't have to make them anything right?". Gotta love it! In the end no one starved to death, they all got something to eat as Super Mom came to the rescue with corn dogs, tater tots, grilled cheese, veggie burgers, and peas!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Puzzled by the Puzzle


Originally posted to my Facebook Notes: Tuesday, November 2, 2010 at 10:02pm

I have a puzzle
That is quite difficult
None of the pieces seem to fit!

I've tried this way and that
Upside down, to the left, to the right
None of the pieces are tight!

It's quite a struggle
My mind is numb
My heart exhausted, It's all wrong! 

I have stretched my patience
Kept my composure
Yet silently cry into the night

I'll never give up
This puzzle is far to beautiful
Given to me whole and seemingly perfect!

Yet day by day this puzzle was changing
Things went wrong and pieces would move
My puzzle weeps from it's depths!

It knows more than you think
Aware of the confusion and chaos
That makes it's existence hell in our world!

My puzzle, can't you see, is my beautiful girl
Day by day we piece her together
Hoping today, if just for today, the pieces fit!

The Imperfect Puzzle:  Magnificent Maggie




Sandie Becker
Copyright August, 2009

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

From My Heart

Previously posted in my Facebook Notes


I have given you my all
     and every day I find more
     that I never knew was there.
I have taken you as far
     as our money will take you
     in the medical world.
I have tried to get you beyond the scope
     but "experimental" is out of reach,
     they don't see the NEED!
I have promised you, FOREVER, I will
    help you cope...
    and I will NEVER stop fighting!

You have come so far, my sweet child,
     Oh, if you could only see what I see.
You have succeeded beyond the experts expectations
      but you only feel failure within.
You have cried and begged for another brain,
      but you are so highly intelligent
      you don't realize where you can go!

I have watched countless tears
     I couldn't wipe away
     because you couldn't let me near.
I have missed an abundance of hugs
     because you couldn't be touched.
I have missed thousands of smiles
     because you didn't want to be looked at.
I have seen countless physically, scary meltdowns
      that have left me helpless and broken,
      scared for your life!

Then magically I see these days,
      the light emitting, total radiance,
      it's in your eyes, your smile, your laugh....You are home!

I know now, I can't fix you....
      there's no fixing to be done.
God dealt us this hand
      and he will provide.
We just have to follow the path
      that will take us there.
We will show the world, as God intended,
      that you are not broken.
First, I have to show you,
      Your worth,
        Your beauty,
          Your being,
            Your love,
             Your heart....
That SCREAMS....."I am here!"


Copyright © 2011

New Year! New Who?

End of the Pity Party:  I don't need a new me!  I need to find the old ME!

           Having Kids with special needs sets you up for a life of "The poor me" syndrome!  You can fall into a depressive, angry state of life without even realizing it.  Daily pity parties become a way of life and before you realize it years have passed.  Where did all the fun go?  Time to move on and upward from this type of life!  I woke up with only a few days left to 2011 and decided enough was enough!  I couldn't live like this anymore.  I have not only turned myself into an abominable mess of a person, but my children are now living an anxiety ridden, miserable being!  Where to start?  It is all in the attitude!  Yep, that is all it takes!  Enough of the yelling, talking down and anger.  I started to realize how much of my pity parties were about my selfishness over ridiculous things!  I have kids, why would I think I was ever going to sleep in again or get to watch television that wasn't rated G!  I had to stop and think about why I had kids and why I wanted them to begin with!  Life isn't suppose to be like this!  Why am I so unhappy?  Well, this is where I started and the path I am trying to continue on for 2012!

  1. ACCEPT: Accepting the imperfection (not dysfunction) of our family was the most important!  I could not expect perfection in life when I myself could not produce it, let alone expect if from my kids or hubby!
  2.  CHILL OUT:  The anxiety I produce affects everyone around me!  This had to be a very conscious effort.  I stress over everything, things I cannot change, and it can and will take over life!
  3. SMILE & LAUGH:  I never smile or laugh anymore!  When, on the rare occasion that I did, it actually hurt because I wasn't use to it! Now I find myself standing in the door way watching my kids goofy antics and smiling at them instead of yelling at them.
  4. THEY ARE KIDS:  Remind yourself of this!  I'm not saying let them run the house.  I still yell and get irritated.  Just remember they are suppose to have fun, not act like adults!
  5. THINGS:  Quit looking for things to make you happy!  Teach your children this (I have totally failed at this)!  Keeping up with the Jones' is not getting you anywhere. Time is all you really need, TOGETHER!  Sometimes ALONE! Sometimes a date with your SPOUSE (or significant other)!
  6. SUPPORT: You will need to be upset, sad, angry, etc. You will need to vent without laying all on your kids.  Find a friend who gets it or find a group.  I found mine on Facebook through a group called Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid.  A group for parents of Special Needs Children.  There are a lot of people that do not care for the title of this group or the book written by Gina Gallagher and Patricia Konjoian. However, through this group, I found a judgement free zone of love, caring and understanding.  I also found a way to give back by simply being able to say to others "I get it"!  There are many on-line support groups, find one that is right for you!
  7. DROP THE DRAMA:  I realized I can be as big of a drama queen as my kids! (Need I say more?)
  8. PICK YOUR BATTLES:  Is it a big deal if your 7 year old goes to bed wearing a winter hat when the heat index is 112? Or, for that matter, if your 10 year old is running around the house in a tank top and shorts when there is a -10 degree wind chill?
  9. MANNERS: Remember the age old saying "Do as I say, not as I do."?  That is out the door.  I found if I am polite with a please and thank you then my kids are typically very accommodating to my requests.  If I demand things of them, they give me attitude.
  10. LOVE: "All you need is Love!"  Lennon knew what he was talking about.  Hugs and kisses all around make for happier children, making for happier parents!
           Think of your own ways to have a "Happy" Life!  I could go on forever with this.  End the Pity Party and find the old you!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Patience Please

Here is a past post I wrote that was only published on Facebook.  It gives you a little background and the reasons for a lot of my craziness. 
                 
                      There came a time when Annabelle was 4 and Lilly was newborn and I was begging God on a daily basis for patience.  Where is it?  I can't do this!  Hello?  Are you listening God?  Nothing.  I battled and battled daily not to explode and couldn't understand why God wasn't helping me.  I spent the first year of Annabelle's life home with her and thoroughly enjoyed it, and was now again three years later doing it again with Lilly.  Only this time was much different.  I had a very active 4 year old to deal with as well as Lilly as a baby.  I was sleep deprived and overwhelmed in every aspect of my life.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to work, but WOW was this hard!!  I was still praying 15 times a day for patience and still didn't feel like I was getting anywhere.   A year later I found out I was pregnant again.  I was very excited for another chance to have a boy!  In Camron's mind we were done having kids so it was a bit of a shock to him!  Of course things got harder. I had literally just finished nursing Lilly, Annabelle was turning 5 and starting Kindergarten in a couple months, I was exhausted.  God, where is that patience I keep asking for?  Again, nothing!  Daily tribulations continued.  I fought myself to stay in control and continued on with life!  Maggie came along 4 months before Lilly's 2nd birthday.  Seemingly perfect!  Perfect APGAR, perfect face, 10 fingers, 10 toes!  She nursed, she slept....Life was good, except for that patience thing!  As time went on and the girls got older, I really was in need of patience.  Begging God, PLEASE SEND ME SOME PATIENCE!  NOTHING!  As Maggie got older we noticed little things didn't seem right, she wouldn't respond when talked to, but her hearing tested fine, her vocabulary was slim at best, but improved quickly after mention to the pediatrician, eye contact was little, she would NEVER EVER wear clothes, pulled her diapers off constantly, would rip pony tails out of her hair, and was impossible to potty train, constantly fighting with her sisters.  I needed that patience more than ever now!  Maggie started preschool in September after her 4th Birthday on February 20.  We didn't get very far into it when the teacher was complaining daily, Maggie won't listen, Maggie won't share, Maggie is screaming at us, Maggie is hitting staff.  I took her to the Pediatrician and he immediately said Sensory Processing Disorder.  I said "What?"  We went and had her evaluated with an Occupational Therapist, Physical Therapist and Speech Therapist.  They felt she only needed OT.  It was an hourly struggle with Maggie.  Her brain couldn't process her senses properly basically causing a traffic jam of signals to the brain.  The poor girl was in total chaos all the time.  I read books, researched on the web, changed her diet, but it did very little for her.  PATIENCE WHERE ARE YOU?  What?  I'm pregnant again?  Um, God, I asked for patience not another baby!  Thank God it was a boy!  Murdoch was born June, 2008.  Psst God, where is that patience?  We have struggled as a family through the past 4 years and added ADHD, General Anxiety Disorder, Impulse Control Disorder and even have an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis.  We have tried so many things and so many things are out there that could help, but insurance won't cover them because they are experimental and we would have been out on the street long ago had we tried to pay out of pocket.  In the mean time I learned you had to take things minute by minute with Maggie because her senses could change in a nanosecond.    I would hear from friends & family what a great Mom I was and how incredibly PATIENT I was.  I would say "Are you crazy?"!  I still felt on the edge, I was losing my mind.  My whole sense of self was out the window a long time ago.  God help me, I thought!  Then it hit me the other night as I was standing outside in the frigid winter cold watching it snow (yes I was hiding from the kids), He answered me the day Maggie was born!  God gave me Maggie and every bit of her quirks to show me that I had it all along.  He was saying "Hey Sandie, you already have the patience, you just have to dig down inside and find it!"  I didn't have a choice with Maggie.  Maggie couldn't stand for impatience, it would just set her off and make things worse.  It took me a while to figure this out, and I still lose it once in awhile, but I am a better and more patient mom because of Maggie! Annabelle & Lilly both also deal with some of the same sensory issues that Maggie does, just not to the same extreme & they both have ADHD. Patience is not an easy thing with 3 girls, especially 3 who all have disorders!  I guess some of those people are right, I am patient.  So I no longer ask God "Why would you trust me with a child with so many difficulties?"  I know why, I asked God for patience!