2015.....

Lack of words....

My words elude me. Daily. I sit to write or type and they're missing. I dream them, watch them, hear them as I walk, drive, mow the lawn, paint, make lunches, give baths and then, POOF, gone.  They seem brilliant at the time, almost not me. Definitely not me.  I go to place them on paper and I've lost them, forever.  Elusive ideas and thoughts, brilliantly meant for only me! Dammit!  You would have really liked some of them!

My shoes...

My shoes are dirty
Though spirited and strong
So far from home
not yet defeated.

They continue the path
and eventually wander off
looking for something anew
amongst the tree's or even the roadside.
Something magical 
to bring back home.
Yet, there is an endless expanse awaiting.

My shoes, no one knows
a place for only me
you can try them
but you won't feel or see as me.

They take me through my life
my journey through time
looking for adventure
sometimes, rough terrain.
Meeting new people
or recconnecting with old friends
they never tire of smiling faces.

 My shoes are worn
They're tired and torn
So far from home
and nowhere near done.

They have seen some miles...
on paths of the countryside
on sidewalks of the cities
in puddles on rainy days
in the mud of flower gardens
in newly fallen snow
in piles of crunchy fall leaves
They still have great lengths to go.

My shoes won't stop
a new path they'll find
until my limbs won't go
and my heart says, enough.

They will blaze trails
into rising & setting suns
to greater lengths
than my mind thought possible
until they land back home
when my journey is done.

From My Heart

I originally posted this on Facebook in 2011......

From My Heart

October 6, 2011 at 1:27pm

I have given you my all
     and every day I find more
     that I never knew was there.
I have taken you as far
     as our money will take you
     in the medical world.
I have tried to get you beyond the scope
     but "experimental" is out of reach,
     they don't see the NEED!
I have promised you, FOREVER, I will
    help you cope...
    and I will NEVER stop fighting!

You have come so far, my sweet child,
     Oh, if you could only see what I see.
You have succeeded beyond the experts expectations
      but you only feel failure within.
You have cried and begged for another brain,
      but you are so highly intelligent
      you don't realize where you can go!

I have watched countless tears
     I couldn't wipe away
     because you couldn't let me near.
I have missed an abundance of hugs
     because you couldn't be touched.
I have missed thousands of smiles
     because you didn't want to be looked at.
I have seen countless physically, scary meltdowns
      that have left me helpless and broken,
      scared for your life!

Then magically I see these days,
      the light emitting, total radiance,
      it's in your eyes, your smile, your laugh....You are home!

I know now, I can't fix you....
      there's no fixing to be done.
God dealt us this hand
      and he will provide.
We just have to follow the path
      that will take us there.
We will show the world, as God intended,
      that you are not broken.
First, I have to show you,
      Your worth,
        Your beauty,
          Your being,
            Your love,
             Your heart....
That SCREAMS....."I am here!"

Copyright © 2011
Sandra Becker

11 Years

        Eleven Years ago, daughter number three was born.  She wasn't an easy pregnancy by any means and she has proven to be quite the adventurous, stubborn, non-stop one through these eleven years.  She has had to endure much, as have we and her siblings.  Actually, everyone that has encountered her has had to endure her quirks, more difficult ones through a large part of her time here, than easy.

       As the past four months has flown bringing us to her Birthday, she has blossomed. (I actually hate that word, "blossomed".)  It seems to be that girly word that everyone uses. She has grown, progressed, matured, flourished, evolved, blossomed.... however you want to put it, she's getting it!!

      Things have calmed at home, school has become fantastic for her social/emotional well being, she started playing the harp, and she has quit refusing to do her homework and schoolwork. Being the pessimist that I am, I'm waiting for the bomb to go off.

      She no longer seems to hate her little brother (although she does still become agitated by his existence).  She doesn't stomp around slamming doors. She hasn't destroyed a room in at least a year.  She isn't fighting with us every minute of her awake time at home.  She feels accomplished and proud!  FINALLY!  She hasn't asked for a new brain in a quite some time or wished herself dead.  She is simply, HAPPY!  The only thing we ever hoped for, for her, is happiness!

      No more meds, psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists or behavior therapists.  It was like a switch was flipped.  Don't get me wrong, we don't have perfection. There will never be perfection. Perfection is highly overrated! Her long list of diagnosis' haven't gone away, but she has learned to cope and overcome.  She is conquering her demons and finding strength in her abilities.  She has found positivity in adversity.  She discovered self confidence!

       I couldn't be prouder of the young girl that our Maggie has become.  I can't wait to see what she will continue to accomplish and throw in our path's!  Through every mountain we've had to climb and hole we've had to dig out of there has always been hope and love!  Yes, a lot of tears and why's and wanting to give up.  Yet, we never stopped hoping, we never stopped loving. 

      Magnificent Maggie will be blazing a new trail in the next 6 months when she enters Junior High.  Back to district, new friends, new adventures and new goals to achieve!  I can't wait to see where this journey will lead.......